Quotes From An Accident Involving a Nashville MTA Bus and an Izuzu Rodeo

So, getting home today was fun. I took the number 5 bus from the central MTA station and, near Hume Fogg, the bus was involved in an accident with an Izuzu Rodeo. I don’t know who was responsible, since I was reading a book by Carl Sagan, but I do know from experience that the bus driver isn’t the best. At several points over the last couple of weeks, he’s almost been in wrecks, and I knew it was just a matter of time.

What I do know, however, is that the people who were on the bus alongside me had some serious issues centered around dealing with the compulsion to shout out stupid shit. To whit, I provide the following quotes. Context appears where necessary, but, by and large, the quotes are unedited.

  • “I got you son, I got eyes like a bald eagle, watchin what happen. In slow motion, man.”
  • Another one of the West End corridor buses passes by: “Yo, shit that’s the bus I need! What the hell bus am I on? 5? What’s that shit, I need to be on the 3! Yo, driver, why you make me get on the 5, yo?”
  • The woman in front of me, who had developed her own musk to the point of ripeness, and had a purse bulging with Whitney Houston memorabilia, was on the phone: “Yeah, dumb bitch was on the phone. Stupid to be on the phone when you drivin. Everyone knows that. Idiots always on the phone.”
  • The same woman: “You can’t drive anywhere. Everywhere’s an accident. Maybe one or three of em. What you watchin? Tyler Perry? That’s good, funny shit. Good for you. You need to laugh.”
  • A man with a prodigious, blonde mullet: “Man lookit her. Drivin an Izuzu Rodeo. Idiot.”
  • After six times telling his version of what happened in the wreck, a man’s version was countered by a woman’s. “Bitch, I got good-ass eyesight I know what I’m talkin about, you wrong. It was HER fault.” Good-ass.
  • “Supervisor. Yo. Listen. Lady had her phone–hey, yo–dog, listen–no I saw what happened.” “She only had her phone on after the wreck! Didn’t you see that?” “Oh, she had her phone on after? Shit.”
  • “Homebody! Supervisor, yo, I know what–no I didn’t see it.”
  • “Bitch probably got some nigga insurance.”
  • “YO! BITCH! WHEN WE GETTIN ANOTHER BUS? I GOTTA GET TO MY DESTINATION!”

And that, my friends, is why we need to fund education in the U.S. So idiocy, which knows no racial, religious, or ethnic bounds, may be expunged from the nation.

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My Brief Time As A Marvel Writer

The following is a transcript of Aaron Simon’s appearance as the new sole writer of Spider-Man at Comic-Con, San Diego, where he was the featured speaker on a panel of Marvel writers. It is notable since he was fired shortly thereafter.

MC: So join me in welcoming the new writer of Spider-Man, Aaron Simon.

[Applause. Simon walks in from stage left. He wears what could be described as hobo clothes, has about three weeks’ facial hair growth, and it does not look like he has bathed in a while. He carries a bottle of whiskey in his right hand. As he approaches the table, a stage hand runs out of the wings and grabs the bottle. Words are exchanged, though it is unclear what was said, and, after a couple minutes of grunting and struggling, Simon lets the whiskey go. He sits at the table in front of him and positions the microphone in front of his face.]

AS: Hi. So. Uh. [He shields his eyes from the glare of the auditorium lights.] Fuck, those are bright. Can we get that shit turned down?

MC: Can we? [MC holds his hand to his ear.] No we can’t. Okay, Mr. Simon, how about you introduce yourself to everyone here. You’re kind of a newcomer to the comics industry, aren’t you?

AS: Fuck yeah. I don’t read this garbage.

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Missed Call

From: Darlene-Lynn Brown

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 9:46 AM

To: _EVERYONE

Subject: Missed a phone call???!!(!)

Hi Guys,

I got a voice mail from a female asking me to return the telephone call to 573-1729. The only other thing I could understand on this message was “this is very important to me, have a blessed day.”  When I attempted to return the telephone call, I explained to her that she had left a message, but I couldn’t understand the rest of the voice mail and I was returning her telephone call. She told me that if I didn’t know who I was calling, I had the wrong number. The person I spoke with was clearly the same person that left the voice mail.   I have no recollection of anyone with this number and think I may have gotten the voicemail by mistake. Have any of you all attempted to make contact with someone at this number?  I sure don’t want her to fall through the cracks!

Darlene-Lynn Brown
Employed Vagabond

 

From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 9:52 AM

To: Darlene-Lynn Brown

Subject: RE: Missed a phone call???!!(!)

Darlene:

I’m so, super psyched that you felt the need to tell us that you received a phone call. Here I was, wondering whether or not Darlene keeps her work phone hooked up throughout the day, and then, verily, the Lord blesses me with an answer in the form of a missed call. Truly, we live in Holy times.

Often, I receive odd calls. Sometimes, they are in Spanish, as it turns out that the previous owner of my cell phone number was an immigration lawyer. Now, the only foreign language I can speak is French, and—even then—I sound like a mentally deficient five year old. (Or, alternatively, you. I’m joking. Or am I?) So, naturally, being as compelled as I am to get in contact with these people, I will return their phone call, but only to shout, “JE NE PARLE PAS ESPAGNOL! JE NE PARLE PAS ESPAGNOL!” The people then start shouting in Spanish, and I have to continue shouting in French until either my throat starts bleeding or they hang up. Generally, after that, they don’t call again. May I suggest trying that?

I have a very important question for you, and I want you to devote all of your mental faculties to answering it: In your wall of text, you mention that a female called you. My question is this:

A female of what species?

Darlene, I know you are Southern, and thus believe science is some Satan-led plot to destroy Christianity, but you must realize that a female of any species other than homo sapiens using the telephone would be earth shattering. The way we view life would change monumentally and it would be you in the spot-light.

Maybe you could afford some language classes so you wouldn’t tack on an extra eight syllables to every word. You know. Food for thought.

Anyway, please let me know. Unlike you, I have many friends in the hard sciences would would be absolutely pumped to hear about this sort of stuff.

Best,

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Guy

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