The Aaron Simon Guide to Life

It’s been a while since I’ve had anything to post on here. Sorry for that. I guess. (I haven’t checked my stats in a while, so God only knows if anyone loads the site on days when I don’t post anything. [And no, man, I’m not going to, like, check that shit. I got stuff to do.])

Anyway, it hit me this morning as I was walking out of the restroom that people really need me to tell them how to live their lives. I mean, come on. I graduated Phi Beta Kappa, am a published author (yay), and have been to other countries. You don’t get much cooler than me.

So with that in mind, I thought about it and realized that I have two pieces of advice for people:

  1. Be as Dudelike as you can
  2. If you’re playing Pyro, friggen airblast people when they’re on fire

He cares, deep down inside.

Then I realized that would make for a shitty blog post, so I decided that I’d come up with some stuff that actually mirrors the rare occasions that I have a fully coherent thought. (FACT: It’s taken me six days to write this many words.)

So I did what came naturally and decided to base things off of my family. Names omitted because, well, yeah.
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FYI

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Monday, January 9, 2012 9:34 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: FYI: From The New York Times

Nursing Homes To Patients: “Meh”

Nursing homes have been making the news for tragic reasons more than anything else. Recently, in a nursing home in Tennessee, an orderly broke a resident’s legs and then left that resident in their room, screaming, for six hours while “on break.”

The orderly was quoted as saying, “Bitch deserved it.”

This isn’t an isolated case. In nursing homes across the country, staff are abusing residents in record numbers for perceived injustices perpetrated against them by residents and management.

In Oregon, two orderlies took a paraplegic resident on a walking path and then stole his wheelchair to pawn for “drinking money.”

The nursing home has not reprimanded the orderlies other than telling them, “Do it quietly next time,” according to in-house memoranda forwarded to the New York Times by concerned staff.

Local law enforcement are reticent to step in and put a stop to the matter because, according to a police chief in Mississippi, “I got my mother-in-law in one a them homes. Reckon they’re the reason she can’t speak no more, but, hell, they did me a favor.”

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, January 9, 2012 10:13 AM
To: Rhonda Langley
Subject: FYI

FYI:

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Guy

“Shut up and let me finish my Goddamn drink.”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Monday, January 9, 2012 10:20 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: FYI

What? I don’t get it.

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 9:30 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: FYI: From The New York Times

POTUS’s New Head on Older Americans Relations: “Lolwut?”

The President’s new appointee to the position of Head on Older Americans Relations, an oversight position dealing mainly with various Federal Department of Human Services offices across the country, has come out as utterly clueless about his job.

“I hate the elderly,” he said in his introductory remarks to the press. “They smell. They’re self-entitled. They’re frail. I hate weakness.”

He went on to detail his plans for the future in the three-hour long press conference.

“I’m going to push for a three-strikes-you’re-out rule. After the third time an older American complains, they’re cut off from Medicare. Let’s see how they like the taste of that shit.”

Unsurprisingly, the AARP has reacted negatively to the appointee’s statements, calling him, among other things, “Hitler.”

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 9:45 AM
To: Rhonda Langley
Subject: FYI

FYI:

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Dude

Interblags Ruler

“Damn your eyes.”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 10:02 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: FYI

What am I looking at?

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:02 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: FYI: From The New York Times

Romney Kicks The Elderly, Aide Says

Latest news from the campaign trail: A former campaign aide for Mitt Romney has come to the New York Times with shocking allegations that Romney has a history of breaking into nursing facilities and kicking the elderly while they sleep.

The aide, who asked to remain anonymous, said that she witnessed Mr. Romney break into three different facilities in three different states and go on what can only be described as “a serial kicking spree.”

The facilities have denied that they have any knowledge of the Presidential hopeful’s alleged elderly kicking, but it has recently come to light that several facilities have had financial windfalls that may or may not be traced to Mitt Romney’s former companies.

When reached for comment, the Head of the Older Americans Relations said, “If he loses, I might have him on staff.” He then laughed uproariously.

Mr. Romney’s campaign did not respond to requests for an interview.

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:04 AM
To: Rhonda Langley
Subject: FYI

FYI:

—-

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Guy

Too Old For This Shit

“Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:12 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: FYI

Why do you keep sending me these things?

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:23 AM
To: Rhonda Langley
Subject: RE: RE: FYI

FYI:

—-

Aaron Simon

Guitar Shredder

“Jumbo paper clips smooth steel finish”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:40 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: FYI

Okay…

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 9:52 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: FYI: From The New York Times

AARP To Members: “Take up arms!”

After the events of this week, the AARP has sent out a newsletter to its members advising that they “[t]ake up arms against the greatest threat to the elderly in the history of the world.”

Though the AARP has not called for violence, certain human rights’ groups are concerned that the call to arms will inevitably lead to bloodshed. “We’re fucked, man!” private Hudson of the Marines said, “That’s it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?”

The President has called for clear heads, while his appointed Head of Older Americans Relations has called this “Just the opportunity I’ve been looking for.”

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 9:54 AM
To: Rhonda Langley
Subject: FYI

FYI:

http://i.imgur.com/cyRPU.jpg

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Dude

“Saigon. Shit.”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 10:00 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: FYI

Why do you keep doing this?!

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 10:05 AM
To: Rhonda Langley
Subject: RE: RE: FYI

Watch this. It will all make sense.

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Coordination Bullshit

“You smell that? That’s the smell of bastards.”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 8:39 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: FYI

I don’t get it.

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”