An Open Letter in the Wake of the UK General Election

Dear Brits:

You probably know that the Tories have taken another win in the general election. I know, because, like an idiot, I forgot to set my phone to silent last night. The BBC’s app doubles as an alarm clock, where the time is dictated not by the rising or setting of the sun, but the neverending onslaught of information.

You’re probably thinking a lot about what’s in store for you. Whether or not Cameron’s going to gut the NHS, school system, social services, and public support infrastructure – basically everything that makes the UK as good as it is. Or, perhaps, whether he’ll continue to bow to increasingly ill-informed public outcry against foreigners, the decadent Continentals, or, possibly, Muslims. Maybe the world in general. When people start getting angry, there’s no stopping them.

Yes, Western democracy is founded upon the idea that the will of the people is sacrosanct, but you have cause for concern, becauseā€¦ well, here:

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But, never fear my friends, for I’ve put my thinktank, the Simon Institute for Macro-Organizational kNowledge, on the job of analyzing trends in Britain. We’ve come to the conclusion that you’re not headed toward a Fourth Reich led by a pudgy, pasty-faced, Oxford-educated member of the elite. Nope. What you’re heading toward is AMERICA!

What can you look forward to as the future America No. 2? Well, first of all, you’ll start seeing an increased and worrying influence of industrial and commercial entities in politics. Oh, you think that you have that now? That’s charming! So British and twee of you. No, just wait until you have your very own Koch brothers to bolster the ranks of the Conservatives while Labour continues to flounder. Liberal Democrats eventually apologize for losing their spine and the Greensā€¦ well, yes. The Greens.

You’ll also start noticing more borderline hatespeech creep into national discourse. No, not the charming Victorian kind that was just The Way Things Were and gave us legitimately amazing books like King Solomon’s Mines or, like, anything set outside Europe. But terrifyingly racist ideas held by people in power, like judges passing around racist caricatures of the President and his wife. But that’s fine, friends, because it’s freedom of speech – not endemic racism rearing its ugly head.

Further, you’ll notice more of your counties moving further to the right. We here at SIMON are not quite sure which counties they’ll be, but eventually, you’ll start to notice that you have dead-ringers for Mississippi, Alabama, and Idaho within your very borders! Yes, soon you’ll notice survivalist rhetoric popping up in casual conversation. People will talk about how they need handguns because “you can’t trust anyone.” And, if things get really bad, you’ll start seeing people talk about “cosmopolitan bankers.”

I know, it’s a bleak future you’re looking at, but you’ll also see an amazing film industry pop up, probably in London because, let’s be honest, that’s the only city you actually have. You’ll also notice more billionaires flouting their wealth! What this means is that, while you’re wallowing in poverty, at least you’ll have something shiny to look at.

If you’re really lucky, you’ll have baseball. You really do want baseball, by the way. Baseball is the glue holding the world together. That and Star Wars.

So, it may look like a bleak, desolate future, but hey: At least UKIP didn’t gain power! Then you’d be really screwed!

 

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