The Twilight Review

Me as I read this book

A few brief things:

  • This is not the full review. That’ll be up on Bullet Reviews tomorrow–by which I mean past noon on the 26th.
  • This is rife with spoilers, but if you care about the integrity of Twilight‘s plot, then I have no respect for you.
  • This is not a traditional review, but the traditional review would be roughly equivalent of the Nazis melting as they open the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
  • Reading this book drove me to drink more than anything else ever has or ever will.

The Positives:

Meyer really does a good job of nailing despicable teenage angst.

The Negatives

Everything so far is a sarcastic riff about life how shitty Bella’s “self-imposed exile” is. My question is: Why is this self-imposed? What thought process led to you moving somewhere you knew you’d hate when you didn’t have to?

When Charlie, her father, steps aside to show all the family pictures around the house. Bella: Easy to see that he never got over my Mom; silly man and his emotions!!!!!!!! LOL ;P

Bella is confused that there aren’t metal detectors at her new high school. Did Bella go to South Central L.A., Phoenix, Arizona? Nope, she went to the really super nice part of town (evidenced by the prevalence of Porsches in the parking lot – that had metal detectors at its high school.)

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One Does Not Simply Walk Into Mordor

Pic unrelated

First of all, I’d like to thank the Gondor Academy for extending its invitation for me to speak at this, ah, gathering of the minds. Is that the correct term for a quasi-militaristic endeavour? Perhaps; for does not every military action require a substantial amount of forethought if it is to succeed? But I digress: All of you are aware of the purpose of this Conference of Interested Peoples. The purpose, of course, is for a preemptive attack on the nation of Mordor, and the ease with which that may be undertaken. As I am aware, the leaders of this Conference have certain intelligence in their possession of a ways to the end we all seek. By which I mean, the destruction of the Dark Lord, Sauron.

For those of you who are unaware of my credentials, I am a scholar of such things, and have been since the age of twelve when a party of Orcs raided my home and village, not two hours’ travel from here. I have spent my years learning of the History and Religion of the Dark Lord and his creations and minions, and have, by doing so, established myself as the foremost scholar on Mordor Studies. [chuckles] Despite that, the highest number students to enrol in my courses have been three. I guess I’m just a bit dull.

[audience gently laughs]

Right, levity aside, my conclusion, summarised in a snappy, easy-to-remember slogan to be printed upon pamphlets and distributed to troops, is simple: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

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As some of you know, I’ve been endeavouring to read and comment on the steaming pile of rancid nonsense dogshit that is Twilight.

I’m doing this for Bullet Reviews, mainly because I feel like I need to give out a few one or two star ratings. My plan is that I’m going to read some Godawful stuff, create a running commentary on it in Google Docs and use that as my review. Twilight was my first experience.

In order to get through it, I had to drink six cups of coffee, three Earl Grey tea lattes, and six beers. In addition, I had to track down a really friendly shepherd-like dog’s owner in order to balance out all of the evil issuing forth from that book.

My reaction can be summed up thusly:

I’ll put the full review up on here and at Bullet Reviews when the time comes in a few days, I think.

As of now, more beer to numb the pain.