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First of all, I’d like to thank the Gondor Academy for extending its invitation for me to speak at this, ah, gathering of the minds. Is that the correct term for a quasi-militaristic endeavour? Perhaps; for does not every military action require a substantial amount of forethought if it is to succeed? But I digress: All of you are aware of the purpose of this Conference of Interested Peoples. The purpose, of course, is for a preemptive attack on the nation of Mordor, and the ease with which that may be undertaken. As I am aware, the leaders of this Conference have certain intelligence in their possession of a ways to the end we all seek. By which I mean, the destruction of the Dark Lord, Sauron.

For those of you who are unaware of my credentials, I am a scholar of such things, and have been since the age of twelve when a party of Orcs raided my home and village, not two hours’ travel from here. I have spent my years learning of the History and Religion of the Dark Lord and his creations and minions, and have, by doing so, established myself as the foremost scholar on Mordor Studies. [chuckles] Despite that, the highest number students to enrol in my courses have been three. I guess I’m just a bit dull.

[audience gently laughs]

Right, levity aside, my conclusion, summarised in a snappy, easy-to-remember slogan to be printed upon pamphlets and distributed to troops, is simple: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

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