The Twilight Review

Me as I read this book

A few brief things:

  • This is not the full review. That’ll be up on Bullet Reviews tomorrow–by which I mean past noon on the 26th.
  • This is rife with spoilers, but if you care about the integrity of Twilight‘s plot, then I have no respect for you.
  • This is not a traditional review, but the traditional review would be roughly equivalent of the Nazis melting as they open the Ark of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Ark.
  • Reading this book drove me to drink more than anything else ever has or ever will.

The Positives:

Meyer really does a good job of nailing despicable teenage angst.

The Negatives

Everything so far is a sarcastic riff about life how shitty Bella’s “self-imposed exile” is. My question is: Why is this self-imposed? What thought process led to you moving somewhere you knew you’d hate when you didn’t have to?

When Charlie, her father, steps aside to show all the family pictures around the house. Bella: Easy to see that he never got over my Mom; silly man and his emotions!!!!!!!! LOL ;P

Bella is confused that there aren’t metal detectors at her new high school. Did Bella go to South Central L.A., Phoenix, Arizona? Nope, she went to the really super nice part of town (evidenced by the prevalence of Porsches in the parking lot – that had metal detectors at its high school.)


“clouds and senses of humor don’t mix” No, you miserable twit, you’re just humorless

“I might just forget how to use sarcasm” INCONCEIVABLE!

Inside Bella’s head: “Forget these normal schlubs, look at the HOT RICH MODEL TYPES!!!! OMFG!”

“Forks was literally my personal hell on earth” – FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU

Hooray, Little Shickseh, let’s focus on material possessions and outward appearances! FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!

My reaction to Bella thus far: “THE WORLD DOES NOT STOP AND START AT YOUR CONVENIENCE, YOU MISERABLE LUMP OF SHIT!”

Like, omigawd, mom was getting all pissy, or, whatever, so I totally, like, moved to the other side of the country.

If one were to edit out all of the complaining Bella does, Twilight would be reduced to a pamphlet.

To her credit, Bella does appear mildly self-aware, in the sense that self-awareness can be ascribed to dolphins.

“To make matters worse, [Charlie] arrived [on the scene].” FUCK. My STUPID DAD is doing his STUPID JOB and showing STUPID CONCERN for me, who was just in a car wreck.

p. 60: Holy shit, she just used the phrase “stupid-looking” as a description.

p. 61: “a musical voice asked.” This reminds me of Roland from The Dark Tower describing Japanese as bird-like; the difference being Roland is a person from another dimension, whereas Bella is a self- and appearance-obsessed idiot.
p. 61: All Edward does is grin and smirk. At least my two-dimensional characters frown and get drunk, Stephanie Meyer.

p. 62: At this point, I can guess that anyone who is described as “beautiful” is a vampire.

p. 63: referring to Edward telling Dr. Cullen what happened, “I repeated with a sigh, throwing a quick scowl toward Edward.” What a twit, Bella thinks, the Greek god who deems to look upon me told a doctor some useful information. That fucker.

p. 63: ALL VAMPIRES DO IS SMILE! WHENEVER YOU SEE SOMEONE SMILING, THEY ARE A VAMPIRE!

p. 64: “It was like trying to stare down a destroying angel.” “And it came to pass at midnight, that HaShem smote all the firstborn in the land of Egypt, from the first-born of Pharaoh that sat on his throne unto the first-born of the captive that was in the dungeon; and all the first-born of cattle.

30 And Pharaoh rose up in the night, he, and all his servants, and all the Egyptians; and there was a great cry in Egypt; for there was not a house where there was not one dead.” – Shemot (Exodus) – 12: 29 – 30, tr: Virtual Jewish Library.

Keep in mind, Ed is described as a destroying angel after saving her life.

p. 66: “I was appalled. ‘You told Mom!'” What this really means: “How DARE you tell my mother about my near-death experience, you responsible parent, you!”

p. 69: “No one else watched him the way I did. How pitiful.” Yep, pitiful that not everyone possesses insane obsessive tendencies.

p. 70: “skin stretched even whiter” All this talk about beautiful pale skin and whatnot is starting to make me think that Bella’s a closet white supremacist.

p. 71: “Did Edward notice how Mike’s eyes flickered in his direction?” Well, no. Ed’s probably thinking about that time Nosferatu showed him the best way to bleed out a Romanian peasant.

p. 72: “as soon as his eyes released me…” Because I’m occasionally blacking out whilst reading this, I just had the mental image of two eyes holding someone hostage a la the Taliban. THAT’S entertainment.

p. 75: “Gym was brutal.” “Gym was brutal. They brought out the explosive baseballs today. Anyone who didn’t catch one was blown to smithereens. I almost dropped one, since I’m so clumsy, but Edward saved me again.”

p. 77: “I considered taking out the rear of his shiny Volvo.” Remember, kids: If you’re upset with someone, damaging their car is the best way to express it.

p. 78: “He was unquestionably shaking with laughter, as if he’d heard every word Tyler had said.” Wow, Edward’s got a real shitty sense of humor if he finds a girl shooting down a guy the funniest thing ever. I want to send this fictional character a DVD of Rocko’s Modern Life. Maybe he’ll burst his heart from all the laughing.

p. 79: “I wasn’t interesting.” Nope. You are, however, infuriating.

Side note: I hope I don’t have daughters, if this book is an accurate portrayal of teenage girls.

p. 79: “I would get through my self-imposed sentence here in purgatory, and then hopefully some school in the Southwest [FROM WHENCE YOU FLED?!?!?!?!?], or possibly Hawaii, would offer me a scholarship.” “GAWD,” she thinks, “it’s like I didn’t HAVE to come up here.” Also, you won’t get a scholarship, Bella. You’re not interesting, remember?

p. 80: “I had more money than I was used to having…” Where are you getting this money, Bella? You don’t have a job and you haven’t mentioned your dad giving you any money.

p. 81: Stephanie Meyer has succeeded in demonstrating that she cannot write male dialogue that’s not oozing with sleaze or Victorian expressions of lust.

p. 82: “So you are trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler’s van didn’t do the job?” So Tyler’s van was trying to irritate or crush you to death? I’m confused now.

p. 83: “‘My truck works just fine, thank you very much for your concern.'” Edward: “Oh, well, I guess I’ll just be following you all along the way, then.”

p. 85: “Hi, I’m Stephanie Meyer, the author. I can’t write dialogue, so that’s why all the teachers are cliches of teachers in high school movies.”

p. 87: “I decided as long as I was going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.” This is the line a rapist would use, Edward. This is not the line a boy asking someone to sit with them at lunch would use.

p. 88: “I may not give you back, though.” Yep, Ed’s a rapist.

p. 88: “But I’m warning you now that I’m not a good friend for you.” Ah, well Ed, maybe you should stop stalking her.

p. 89: “I’m trying to figure out what you are.” HE’S H.Y.D.R.A.! (A whopping two people will laugh at that joke.

p. 92: “Um, well, bitten by a radioactive spider?” SUE HER, STAN LEE! SUE STEPHANIE MEYER! And Julie Taymor while you’re at it.

p. 92: “What if I’m the bad guy?” Ah, so that’s why Edward makes all the rapist comments.

p. 96: “‘Bella?’ a different voice called from the distance.” God damn, this book could really use a serial killer or some aliens or something right about now.

p. 97: “‘Put me down!'” Edward: “No can do, Bella, I’m gonna take you to my van.”

p. 98: “He muffled a snicker.” WHY? WHY WOULD HE LAUGH? THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ON THIS PAGE OR ANY OTHER.

p. 99: “I thought Newton was dragging your dead body off to bury it in the woods.” Didn’t want another man stealing your fun, huh, Ed?

p. 101: “‘Go sit down and look pale,’ he muttered.” Okay, I’ll admit, that’s got a certain James Cagney or Cary Gant about it tha–DEAR GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

p. 105: Bella and Edward both like Debussy. Good thing I’m more of a Shostakovich man myself, don’t want classical ruined for me.

p. 105: “‘I’m seventeen.’ ‘You don’t seem seventeen.'” The finished thought: “You don’t seem seventeen. You seem mentally challenged.”

p. 106: “Almost two months ago.” Holy fuck, it’s been two months? Why, Stephanie? Why the time leap?

p. 109. “He was still smiling as he drove away.” I imagine Ed’s smile as Jack Nicholson’s Joker smile.

p. 114: “It was so easy to make Mike happy.” So easy to manipulate people, isn’t it, Bella, you little sociopath?

p. 117: “As we got closer we could see the shining, straight black hair and copper skin of the newcomers, teenagers from the reservation come to socialize.” What this sub-textually means: “I looked at them, the native savages, and was filled with an overwhelming disgust. They did not share our God, instead electing to believe in their savage deities. I knew then that I wanted nothing more than to see their homes burned and their society civilized.”

p. 119: So this is our first look at Jacob. Dear God, he’s just as much a creep as Edward. Stephanie Meyer, why do you hate Native Americans?

p. 120: “‘Rebecca married a Samoan surfer'” Rebecca, by the way, is Jacob’s big sister. The following was not said in the book, but I think it’s implied: “So, you know, she’s getting tribal tattoos and killing whitey a lot now.”

p. 120: Hey, it turns out Jake’s a character with interests other than Bella! This makes him, by default, The Most Interesting Character In The Book!

p. 122: I had so much respect for Native Americans before this. I wonder if Sherman Alexie had anything to say about the Blacks or just did the noble thing and ignored the book altogether.

p. 123: “I purposefully lumped myself in with the youngsters.” I have two step-sisters, and I know for a fact they would never use the word “youngsters.” SHENANIGANS!

p. 124: “Another legend claims that we descended from wolves – and that the wolves are our brothers still.” Fun fact: The Quileutes are a real tribe and this is grade-a bullshit. Steph, did you know there’s a legend in Judaism that states we descended from bald eagles?

p. 125: “‘[T]he cold ones are traditionally our enemies.'” Stephanie Meyer hitting you with a shitton of Plot Injection, people.

p. 126: “‘He’d been here and gone before your people had even arrived.'” Finished thought, as provided by my drunken mind: “By which I mean, by the time your people arrived and raped and killed my people, then threw us into a ‘reservation.’ You know, if you didn’t know what I was going for.”

p. 126: “‘You’re a good storyteller.'” Actually, Jake’s kind of a meh storyteller. Go read something outside of the YA section, Bella.

p. 127: “I felt guilty as I said this, knowing that I’d used him.” Bella acknowledges that she’s a sociopath.

p. 129: So we can add self-hatred to Bella’s list of fun personality traits. When looking for music to soothe myself after a bad day, I know I dive right for horrible, horrible music that I despise.

pp. 133 – 35: Ah, so the Cullens are from a tribe of good vampires. Gotcha. Fuck you, Stephanie Meyer for making them part of a whole race of good things and not going rogue. Jesus, at least make them interesting, have some conflict with the legend instead of creating your own. [Sighs heavily]

pp. 136 – 141: There was very little interesting or remarkable in these pages. I skimmed through, caught something about Edward being too good to be bad or some shit. Then I took a drink and the world regained a little bit of brightness.

p. 142: Bella’s just been on a bit of a tirade about how she saw how her dad could have been attractive when he was younger. This marks the first positive thing she’s said about him other than “he holds a job.” Also, we’ve just learned her mother’s name. One hundred and forty-two pages in we’ve just learned her name.

p. 142: The first usage of a variant of “cheer,” and, by extension, “happy.”

pp. 141 – 42: Dialogue and narration with no advancement of plot save Bella talking about her homework. I know this is supposed to be the narrative of a self-obsessed seventeen year-old, but, fuck, I didn’t not buy this book to read a fucking livejournal entry.

p. 145: I think the saddest thing about this is that it’s taken Bella a few months to piece together the possibility that Ed’s something other than a male model living in the sticks. I mean, she had to be told, point blank, that he was a vampire. Even then, she had to look “vampire” up on Wikipedia. Another drink.

p. 145: “As was my routine, I glanced first toward the Cullens’ table.” Ah, so leering’s part of your routine now? Is it in your agenda? Marked off with a red pen and a heart?

p. 146: “In Gym, we had a lecture on the rules of badminton, the next torture they had lined up for me.” THE WORLD DOES NOT START AND STOP AT YOUR CONVENIENCE, YOU MISERABLE LUMP OF SHIT!

p. 147: “I had a small collection of books that came with me to Forks, the shabbiest volume being a compilation of the works of Jane Austen.” Ah, it all starts to make a bit more sense. [Tips the bottle all the way back.]

p. 148: “I looked around, muddled…” After she discusses how sunlight, er, seeped through her clothes, it becomes clear that Bella has just… yeah.

p. 149: “I wouldn’t have to explain this to a woman.” Bella said that to her Dad while explaining a trip to buy clothes. Stupid boys not giving each other constructive criticism on clothes!

pp. 152 – 56: OMG GOSSIP!!!!!!

p. 158: “I could still hear them chortling behind me.” In the words of Dr. Bill Larson, the best writing professor I’ve had, “Move over, ‘heaved,’ ‘chortle’ is the new King of Bad Writing.”

pp. 157 – 163: Man, we almost had a semblance of a plot before Ed swooped in just then to save Bella from getting assaulted by random guys on the mean streets of Seattle.

p. 164: So, in Phoenix, Bella wasn’t even looked at. Here, in Washington, the boys fall all over her and random men try to corner her on the street? Standards don’t change that much.

p. 166: Edward’s “humor me” in this case translates to “obey me.”

p. 167: “The host was female.” So hostess. Unless there’s a host of hosts, and  the plural “host” in English is feminine.

p. 168: The waitress just introduced herself. I’m not trying to say that servers aren’t worthy of consideration in a novel, but, Jesus, this is unnecessary. When I read stories I’ve written and see bits like this, I go “eugh” and cut them. I don’t think Meyer has an “eugh” reflex. [drinks again]

p. 169: Yet more examples of how Ed only has eyes for Bella.

p. 170: “‘I’m not going into shock.’ ‘You should be – a normal person would be.'” Ah, but Bella is not a normal person, Ed, she is uninteresting and you are a stalker.

p. 176: At this point, and you’ll just have to take my word for this, Edward describes how he’d liked to have killed four people. I’m against sexual assault as much as the next person, but if someone tells you they’d like to kill, while muffling their voice against their arm as Edward just did, then that’s a sign that said person is just as terrifying as the people he’d like to kill.

p. 181: “‘I hear voices in my head and you’re worried that you’re the freak,’ he laughed.” Edward acknowledges his insanity. That’s good. That’s the first step, Ed. I’m proud of you.

p. 181: “‘Holy crow!’ I shouted.'” Holy crow? I know Meyer’s a Mormon, and thus all of her characters share her beliefs, but does Mormonism state that cows are sacred, and thus shouting, “holy cow!” would be blasphemous? Looks like I’ve got something to research.

p. 184: “‘It doesn’t matter to me what you are.'” Well it fucking should. This isn’t a race issue, this is a–[dives for the bottle]. Hundred and eighty-four pages before she tells Ed she knows what she suspects. They didn’t take this much time to run up to a battle in Dragonball Z. Did I just make a DBZ reference? [Dives for the bottle.]

p. 186: After Ed says everything except blood-drinking is a myth, we’re forced to conclude that Stephanie Meyer had no idea what a vampire was before starting the book, then, halfway through, realized what it was and figured, “fuck it, I’ll just create my own mythos.”

p. 188: I know it’s important for Meyer to establish that she’s heard of all of the vampire stories and whatnot, and thus Edward has to be back story central and not discuss anything besides ethics, but I’m actually interested in what Edward was before he turned into a vampire. Was he a Victorian nerd? Newsie? Fucking anything beyond the shell of a character? [After reading the novel, I’ve learned that no, he’s pretty uninteresting all of the time. – Future Aaron] My eyes feel as if they’re hollow. My spirit cries, “Why are you doing this to me?”

p. 190: “I tried very hard not to look like a sulky child.” Well you fucking fail, don’t you, you little moron?

p. 191: “‘I’m definitely fighting fate to keep you alive.'” Even Edward acknowledges that The Universe wants Bella to die.

p. 197: “and sooner than should be possible, he was sitting next to me, starting the car.” Edward Cullen uses his super speed for the the least impressive acts in he history of having superhuman abilities. If, for example, I had super speed, I would use it in order to reverse time by running around the world and thus reversing the orbit and–so Superman is an acceptable alternative to this? Is that right, brain? Is that what you’re saying? [Drinks more beer, sighs.]

p. 199: “We all like to drive fast.” This just isn’t fun any more, but I have to continue on. If I’d ever have thought that there was exaggeration about just how bad this book was, that thought’s as dead as Attila the Hun.

p. 209: After a tedious ten pages, we’re brought to a scene where, once again, Bella and Ed declare their love for each other and have a couple fight which, essentially, consists of “I love you,” “I love you more,” “Nuh uh,” “Yeah huh,” “Nuh uh,” ad infinitum. Maybe I’m just heartless and have given myself up to a cynical life, but this is mind-numbing.

p. 210: Okay, look, I’ve done this stuff before. I’ve done this “you’re incredibly beautiful and” yadda yadda, and I’ve gotten dates out of it, but oh my God, there is no feasible way, regardless of how much I like the person, that I could spend three months in this continuous state of uber infatuation. There’s only so long you can keep up with the “you are a bright spark in the darkness and, yea, you keep me going” before just wanting to say “Hey, wanna go see Tron and then stage a lightsaber fight?” You know, something normal. And good God the book is making me think these thoughts. [dives desperately for the bottle.]

p. 213: “‘With Charlie, less is always more.'” Oh? Like less description? Is that the case?

p. 215: Edward embarks on a non-Bella-related speech about how the vampires only hunt overpopulated animals. Folks, we have the first pacifist and environmentalist vampires on record.

p. 216: When Ed says “You need a healthy dose of fear. Nothing could be more beneficial for you,” what I hear is: “Baby, when I beat you it’s for your own good. I love you, baby.”

HERE ENDETH THE READING FOR DAY ONE

Day Two

I had a dream last night in which I ran through the darkened twisted ruins of a city at night. I was pursued by some unseen horror that opened pits underneath my feet as I ran. The city was Literature; the horror was Twilight.

p. 220: “His face startled me – his expression was torn, almost pained, and so fiercely beautiful that the ache to touch him flared as strong as before. My goodbye stuck in my throat.” You’re not going to war, you’re going to P.E. class. And he’s probably torn and pained and emoing out because he hasn’t ejaculated in a hundred years. Man, this is going to be a fun day, I can already tell. [Future Aaron note: It was! I got to reunite a dog with its owner! Happy times.]

p. 221: “‘He looks at you like…like you’re something to eat,'” At least Mike’s perceptive enough to realize that Ed’s criminally insane.

p. 223: Ed and Bella have a brief conversation about Rosalie’s car, in which Bella says she doesn’t know what it is. There are two things odd about this, on two different levels. On the first, in-text level, Bella seems ignorant of one of the most recognizable icons in the world: The BMW icon – I can understand not knowing what BMW stands for, but you, Bella, went to a upscale high school in Phoenix; no chance you don’t know what this is. On the meta, text-as-text level, Meyer goes out of her way to avoid mentioning name brands for everything except cars. This bothers me, but I don’t know why.

p. 224: “‘Don’t worry about it, I’ll be there, no car.'” See, one of the perks of being a vampire is you’re issued a rad set of wheels as well as a Segway!

p. 227: Bella’s Dad expresses concern about Bella’s social life. “‘Oh,’ he frowned as he dried his plate.'” What he’s thinking: “Well, I was wondering… if I could… if I could take you to the dance.”

p. 228: “He snorted, dropping his serious expression. ‘Brown?’ he asked skeptically.” That’s right, Ed, your girlfriend’s favorite color is the same color as feces.

p. 230: Ed interrogates her as to her favorite stuff. I’m reminded of Henry Rollins’s schpiel on dating.

p. 238: You know, perhaps it’s because these guys are the only non-Aryans in the book, but I really like the Blacks, even though the patriarch of the family is just as much a caricature as anyone else in the novel.

p. 239: Jacob and Billy Black have stayed for the duration of “the game,” though we don’t know what “the game” was, and “the game” seemed to have lasted for all the time it took for Bella and Jake to have a whopping thirty-line conversation.

p. 241: “‘You’re cheerful this morning,’ he commented over breakfast” What Charlie means: “Looks like those anti-depressants in the water supply are finally kicking in.”

p. 244: “His anger was much more impressive than mine.” That’s just one step above “His anger was much more angry than mine.”

p. 245: “‘You always take me by surprise.'” It’s almost like Ed’s telling her that she’s completely illogical in everything he does. Is that too good to be true? Probably.

p. 247: “‘And you try to be safe… Promise.'” Because Edward has plans for you, Bella. Grand plans.

p. 249: Bella unrolls a note from Edward that reads “Be safe.” Meyer took the time to change the font from regular, Times New Roman type to something that looks like the title from Quills. Just… was “calligraphy” too hard for your readers to imagine, Meyer? Is that what you’re saying?

pp. 250 – 254: Blacked out again. Luckily I doubt anything important happened.

p. 258: “His smirk grew even more pronounced.” Dating advice from Aaron, everyone: If you’re around someone who smirks this much, do not go out with them. There is something wrong in their head.

p. 260: We’re treated to another heavy-breathing description of Ed. This time, he’s sparkling. Bells describes him as a perfect statue, which I take to mean this – after all, you don’t get much more perfect than an enlightened being, right?

p. 261: So yep, Stephanie Meyer treads upon all that was interesting and vulnerable about the vampire mythology by having Ed here plop down on the grass and describe sparkling in the sunlight in a way that’s reminiscent of the old Christian texts about the sublime and ecstasy in God’s presence. (Thanks, Dr. Carniello, for allowing me to link Medieval Studies to Twilight.)

p. 263: Bells “inhales” Ed’s breath, and the vampire reacts in the same way you’d expect someone to react if you told them you ripped their family to shreds. So they can’t even kiss? Is that why Edward backed the fuck away like that? Hell, I’m neurotic as all get out and I’ve still kissed before. Edward, you are Uranian. (Look that up! Brownie Points!!!!)

p. 265: Wait, so all that so he could avoid sucking her blood? Edward, Jesus, learn some self control. Read Dracula if nothing else – have some pride, man.

p. 268: “‘Yes, you are exactly my brand of heroin.'” No, Edward, you can’t have heroin. Not even as an analogy. Heroin is for cool rock stars who off themselves. Like Cobain. Or the guy from Blind Melon who didn’t actually commit suicide, but shut up.

p. 274: Edward just went on like a five page rant about how Bella’s all the best thing ever and the most important thing ever and yadda yadda yadda. See, I’d chalk this up to love at first sight and all that comes with it, but I know that this persists through four or five books or whatever, so it’s just nonsense. SHENANIGANS!

p. 277: “for I was touching his face, something I’d dreamed of constantly since the first day I’d seen him.” Slowest moving relationship ever.

p. 281: “Running is second nature to me, it’s not something I have to think about.” I can’t think of a typical person for whom running is something they have to think about.

p. 282: There we go, they kissed. Awwww. It was described as making Bella’s blood boil, which, as far as I can imagine, would be a painful rather than an enjoyable thing.

p. 283: “I can drive better than you on your best day.” You know Bella, because you’re a woman.

p. 286: Edward likes oldies. I remember seeing a comic a while ago where Edward talks about his love of jazz, calling Scott Joplin’s “Maple Leaf Rag” “aces.” Anyone know where that comic is? I’m drawing up a blank on Google. He then calls the 60s and 70s music unbearable. Yeah, Meyer, like all that heathenous free love and liberalism, right? MORMON SHENANIGANS!

p. 289: Look, guys, look. If you’re trying to be a nomadic band of vampires who–Jesus, I can’t get through this thought. Why even enroll in high school? There’s no point. Just make it clear you’re home schooled. Once again, Meyer: SHENANIGANS for shoehorning something in to make it accessible to your audience!

p. 294: So what I’m learning from this is that it’s perfectly acceptable for one person to watch you while you’re sleeping if you and that other person are in love. I wonder if they have a safety word when Bells doesn’t want Ed watching her one night. “BANANA!” Bells screams, and Ed disappears into the night.

p. 298: Just when Bells seemed like she’d be a normal, lascivious girl her age while name dropping “Victoria’s Secret” [another instance of Meyer’s choosiness in brand dropping…] it’s followed by “pajamas,” and the uptight Mormonism creeps back in.

p. 300: “‘In the last hundred years or so… I never imagined anything like this. I didn’t believe I would ever find someone I wanted to be with.'” SHENANIGANS! This man is more Christ-like than Christ.

p. 301 – 307: Intermittently blacked out. I think it was more “I love you,” “No, I love you,” “I love you more” bullplop.

p. 308: “‘Or, if you don’t believe that all the world could have just happened on its own, which is hard for me to accept myself…'” So Edward was home-schooled for a while? You’d think a person with access to a hundred years of changing scientific thought and discussion as it happened would maybe disagree with Creationism. But maybe that’s just because I’m a heathen myself.

pp. 310 – 11: An extended conversation between a hundred year-old man and a seventeen year-old that could be summed up with Edward: “Bells, I wanna be in you.”

p. 313: “‘You’re not that creative,’ he scoffed.” Unironic usage of the word “scoffed” aside, further proof that Ed’s a crotchety 100-year-old man.

p. 314: “‘You are my life now.'” This is what cult members say.

p. 317: “‘I was under the impression that you were something more, actually,'” What? You haven’t had sex; you aren’t lovers; what are you if not boyfriend-girlfriend? Oh, God, help me.

p. 319: “‘You are utterly indecent – no one should look so tempting.'” For the record, she is wearing a long khaki skirt and a deep blue blouse. This is a man who lived through the 60s and the 70s and, well, up until in-text-now. I don’t think he got out much.

p. 319: What the hell? He touched her and she fainted. SHENANIGANS!

p. 322: And of course, Ed’s “parents” are standing by a grand piano as they walk in the door. Because, you know, this book has to read as if it’s written by Norman Rockwell or something.

p. 323: One more mention of the family being like stone, sculptures, or chiseled, or anything like that, and I’m going mad.

p. 324: “Leonine.” Well, Meyer used an adjective not relating to stone or beauty to describe someone in the vampire household. Good on her, she’s learning… over three hundred pages into the book. [sigh]

p. 326: I know it’s hard to describe music, but if something’s breathtaking, then give it a shot. (You know, you manage to do it so well between Ed and Bells, Steph.) I can’t imagine “a composition so complex, so luxuriant, it was impossible to believe only one set of hands played.” (The Twisted Sister playing on Pandora doesn’t quite fit the bill.) I can, however, imagine, “Music that transcended all the piano concertos of Beethoven and Chopin mixed together” – but that might be asking a bit too much, wouldn’t it?

p. 327: Wait, so Ed’s mom – Esme, which is the worst name ever – was concerned that Ed was changed into a vampire too young and, thus, didn’t have hormones enough to be attracted to a girl? That makes no sense; he was a teenager when–you know, fuck it.

p. 328: HINT OF ACTION! HINT OF ACTION! HINT OF ACTION–oh it’s gone in favor of overly vague and loverly descriptions of the house. Joy.

p. 329: Did… did he just drink her tears? Dear God he did. He just drank her tears.

p. 331: “‘In those days, when monsters were not just myths and legends.'” Okay, really, are you getting a sense of humor, Ed, or are you just overly serious for the sake of being stupid?

p. 334: Meyer just used “volume” again. I don’t think the book Carlisle’s reading is a part of the Brittanica, but I can’t be sure.

p. 336: All of this stuff, the interesting bits about the vampire’s family really should have come earlier in the book if Meyer wanted to make the characters seemed like they had anything else in their lives other than Bella. But, then again, I don’t think that was her intention.

p. 337: “‘People swim the Channel all the time, Bella'” NO. No they do not. They swim in the Channel, but swimming from fucking Brighton to Le Havre is not a weekend family excursion. Does Stephanie Meyer know how big the Channel is?

p. 338: AND THEN SHE ACKNOWLEDGES IT’S AN INSANE THING TO SAY! WHAT IS GOING ON IN THIS NARRATIVE?! Oh, wait, she’s objecting to them not needing to breathe (apparently, vampires are not living creatures, then), but not the Channel. The Channel claim still stands.

p. 339: “found his calling, his penance” Carlisle found his penance for what? So far all Carlisle has done in his history has run away from home and killed a deer. Oh, and swam the Channel.

p. 341: So nothing happens in Carlisle’s life after he moves to the New World save turning Ed into a vampire? Nothing like how he met Indians? Or is that all just too boring for your dimwitted self, Ms Meyer?

p. 343: “terrible and glorious as a young god” I was going to put a bit of the legend where Zeus seduces a girl while in the form of a swan, but, meh.

p. 343: Noted: There are no books in Ed’s room. The man is a troglodyte.

p. 345: Got close to Edward killing/having his way with her there, but it’s all in jest, so there’s no reason why Bells should be alarmed! Right girls? It’s like how if your boyfriend says, “I’m gonna kick your ass,” but he’s smiling, then it’s okay cause it’s a joke.

p. 347: Yes, vampires like baseball, and the sport has been forever ruined for me by this book.

p. 352: Would it be out of line to insinuate that the reason Bells doesn’t like Bill Black is because he’s an Indian? It would? Meh. She’s a racist and he’s not Aryan. There. I said it.

p. 357: “‘You are going out with Edward Cullen?’ he thundered.” “Now I’m going to have to arrest him for pedophilia!”

p. 357: “The beautiful one, the godlike one…” [Insert description of Odin sentencing Loki to be tortured until Ragnarok]

p. 360: “He grinned tightly.” I just tried doing that and I think I have to go to the hospital.

p. 360 – 66: Blacked out. Caught snatches of horrible dialogue. The horror.

p. 369: “‘Was that a strike?'” Those are the rules of baseball, you vacuous idiot.

p. 370: So the reason they need to play in thunderstorms is they’re so awesome that the crack of the ball on the bat sounds like a thunderclap. Right. [shakes head]

p. 371: “‘it would be nice if I could find just one thing you didn’t do better than everyone else on the planet.'” Well, he hasn’t had sex, so I’m sure you could find someone who’s better in that regard.

p. 372: “The steel bands of muscle flexed along his massive arms.” So Emmett’s got metal in his muscle? Does that make him Cable? Then who’s Deadpool? Ooo! Can Jacob Black be Deadpool? TEAM DEADPOOL! YEYS!

p. 376: So what I gather from the description of the bad group of vampires is that they’re hippies. And I’m guessing hippies are bad in this instance.

p. 377: Worse! They’re French! Sacre bleu! Je suis disgusted!

p. 378: EVEN WORSE! Quebecois!

p. 381: All of a sudden, there’s a lot of profanity. Also, I’ve never understood why some people spell it “Dammit!”

p. 383: Why does everyone want to hump/kill Bella? Is she Neo? Barbarella? What?

p. 386: “‘Listen, Charlie’s not an imbecile,'” Sure had me convinced he was, Bells.

p. 388: GET ON WITH IT!

p. 394: Good to see Bells isn’t bothered at all by ditching her father. Don’t want to get hung up in things like loving anyone who doesn’t remind you of a god.

p. 398: “‘The only way to be sure is to tear him to shreds…'” Yep, too easy to just sever the head or drive a stake through the heart, isn’t it, Steph?

p. 399: “‘He’s tracking us'” REALLY? AFTER YOU SPENT SO MUCH TIME CALLING HIM A TRACKER, THE BAD VAMPIRE IS TRACKING YOU? GET OUT OF TOWN!!!!

p. 410: For a minute there, I was really peeved that everyone was so bent on protecting Bells, but then Jasper dropped it that the only reason they care is they don’t want to deal with Ed being emo for another hundred years.

p. 418: I would comment on the convoluted way this fight’s taking place, but, you know, apathy is a warm, comfortable blanket that smells of childhood.

p. 432: “And then I carefully sealed away my heart.” Man, it’s always a bummer when someone removes their heart without being in a sanitized environment, isn’t it?

p. 435: “So she could tell him that they were doing something wrong.” But they can communicate telepathically. There’s no reason to talk!

side thought: Screw this. Starbucks is cold and I need beer.

21:12, CDT. Home stretch, then I can read Confederacy of Dunces before trying to hunt down a copy of the Glen Beck book at the library.

p. 436: So, when I blacked out in the last reading session, Bella apparently planned to run from Alice and Jay, even though they’re protecting her. Once again, the illogic is baffling. Guess that’s why it’s not logic, though.

p. 436: Alice and Jasper discuss going to Atlanta. Why? Why would they go to Atlanta? That’s just asking to be shot, especially as pale and Aryan as they are.

p. 440: Bella pays $80 for a cab ride from Phoenix from Scottsdale. I looked this up on the Internet to see if that was accurate. If you, as a writer, lose readers as they go to research cab fare mentioned in your book, you have failed.

p. 442: Oh I see, she was on the phone with the tracker guy back… wherever she was. Somehow the girl who can see the future didn’t notice this.

p. 445: I’m really concerned about the dichotomy between the good vampires being super beautiful and the bad vampires being Quebecois, dirty, and average-looking. Especially since you can taste the disgust when reading “He was so very average-looking.”

p. 446: Worst villain monologue ever. Dear Lord, four paragraphs of shit. You want good villain monologues, read Sherlock Holmes.

p. 448: Tracker is responsible for Alice, kinda. This would be shocking if the reader, at this point, still gave a damn about the characters in the book.

p. 452: Well, she didn’t die. That’s a damn shame. No surprise, we don’t see the fight, since Bella’s unconscious. So yeah, she wakes up, is confused, thinks she’s in heaven hears Ed speaking and assumes it’s an angel. For the record, here’s a description of a cherubim the most popular of all the angels, from the Jewish Virtual Library’s translation of Ezekiel, chapter 10: 8 And there appeared in the cherubim the form of a man’s hand under their wings.

9 And I looked, and behold four wheels beside the cherubim, one wheel beside one cherub, and another wheel beside another cherub; and the appearance of the wheels was as the colour of a beryl stone.

10 And as for their appearance, they four had one likeness, as if a wheel had been within a wheel.

11 When they went, they went toward their four sides; they turned not as they went, but to the place whither the head looked they followed it; they turned not as they went.

12 And their whole body, and their backs, and their hands, and their wings, and the wheels were full of eyes round about, even the wheels that they four had.

13 As for the wheels, they were called in my hearing The Wheelwork.

14 And every one had four faces: the first face was the face of the cherub, and the second face was the face of a man, and the third the face of a lion, and the fourth the face of an eagle.

Yep, describes Edward to a T.

p. 460: “‘You have a broken leg, four broken ribs, some cracks in your skull, bruises covering every inch of your skin, and you’ve lost a lot of blood.'” The excuse Ed gave Bell’s mom was that she fell down two flights of stairs and out a window. It’s a damn good thing Bella comes from a long line of idiots, if that’s to be believed.

p. 465: Yep, the mother’s just as vapid and stupid as Bella.

p. 466: This is the most retarded book I’ve read. The… just… oh God, it’s terrible.

p. 469: “Edward” is going to be an incredibly popular name for a ways to come, isn’t it? [sigh] Deadpool should be an incredibly popular name. Deadpool Simon. Got a ring to it.

p. 472: “‘Are you tired of having to save me all the time? Do you want me to go away?'” Yes. Please go away.

p. 474: “‘I want to be Superman, too.'” Well you can’t be. You’re not from Krypton.

p. 476: “‘I refuse to damn you to an eternity of night'” That would be the case if you weren’t apparently Christ incarnate. You know, if you were actually some sort of vampire instead of a woman-child’s projection of her bad marriage.

p. 488: And it’s going to end at the prom. You know, I didn’t go to my prom. I went camping in 20 degree weather, in the snow and freezing rain. Because I am a man, and I don’t like cavorting around in a tux, damn it.

p. 491: Okay, so I already know that the Native Americans are werewolves, but does Jake know this? He keeps referring to his Dad as superstitious, but that doesn’t make any sense if he knew that he was a werewolf, which I don’t think he does know, and if that’s the case, then that brings up a whole lot of questions about how any of them know they’re werewolves if that effects the memory and [face melts]

p. 493: Edward the one hundred year old vampire feels threatened by an awkward fifteen year-old Native American kid. Senility or yet more evidence that Twilight is a white supremacist novel?

p. 496: The word “twilight” has been repeated about six times over the past couple of pages.

Final thoughts: Well, the book’s finished. It’s painfully obvious that it’s written for teenage girls, and thus, with my logical, working mind, I’m well outside of its intended audience. It’s infuriating, infantile, filled with plot holes and bad metaphors and similes, weak characterization, shitty plotting, shitting pacing, a complete lack of understanding of how to write dialogue, and, good God, there’s really nothing good to say about this book. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to dash for my bottle of Glen and make it all okay again.

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2 thoughts on “The Twilight Review

  1. I saw the film. The book sounds unbelievably worse. I was going to read, for the laughs, but it sounds like there’s not enough to make it worth my while.
    I did, however, laugh muchly at your commentary.

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