The Bulletin Board

From: Toya Carmel
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:39 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

Guardianship is missing a bulletin board. It was in our dead file room next to my office. I don’t know why it would be removed without our permission, but it is gone.

Please return it if you have it. If you know who might have it, please let me know.

– Toya Carmel

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:40 AM
To: Toya Carmel
Subject: RE: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

You’ll never find it, you know.

Aaron Simon
Enrollment Guy, Loki Impersonator

From: Toya Carmel
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:45 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

What? Does that mean you took it? Do you know who took it?

Toya Carmel

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:46 AM
To: Toya Carmel
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

Toya,

Oh yes, I took it. Last night around eleven p.m., if you must know. I found myself quite unable to sleep and, with no recourse found in my usual methods of going to sleep (among them consuming an entire bottle of NyQuil), I realized that I should embark on an adventure of sorts.

I took the car, started it, and drove downtown. When I reached 5th Avenue, I had a sudden epiphany: Rather than taking part in my intended method of wearing myself out (starting fights in the honkey-tonks downtown), I would have a little bit of mischief. I pulled up to the curb outside of our building, entered, and went to the file room and stole away with the bulletin board.

You may check the security footage if you wish, but it won’t give you any hints as to where I hid it. Indeed, I believe that it would be very difficult for you to ascertain its location.

I can be quite clever, you see.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Loki Impersonator

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:56 AM
To: James Gottfried
CC: Toya Carmel; Aaron Simon
Subject: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

Hi James,

Toya forwarded me this e-mail exchange. I know that I’m technically not supposed to perform any of my duties since I’m currently on forced administrative leave as a result of the FBI’s accusations, but, and correct me if I’m wrong, this is a punishable offense, stealing organizational equipment.

And, though I don’t have any legal training, I’m pretty positive that this would constitute a confession on Aaron’s part. Right?

Best,

Ted Hayward
Sent from my BlackBerry™

From: James Gottfried
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 11:14 AM
To: Ted Hayward
CC: Toya Carmel; Aaron Simon
Subject: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

You’re right. You’re not supposed to be handling any business while on forced administrative leave. Please stop using organizational equipment – i.e., server space for these e-mails – until your misuse of company equipment has been fully investigated by the authorities.

Also, it’s a damn bulletin board. We’ll get another one from one of the empty offices.

Best,

James Gottfried
Executive Director

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 11:16 AM
To:Toya Carmel
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

Toya:

You see? You cannot win.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Loki Impersonator

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Bullet Reviews – Broke

My review for the pointless waste of time called BROKE is up over at Bullet Reviews.

SPOILER ALERT: I did not like it. END SPOILER

That said, there might be a new post coming your way in the next few days, depending on whether or not McSweeney’s rejects it outright, as I expect them to. It’s an open letter to people who try to talk in the restroom.

Welp, I’m done

Gave up reading Glenn Beck because it was throwing me into a minor psychotic breakdown evidenced by a three day existential hell.

Not proud of that, really, but at the same time, I needed to stop reading his stuff.

Review will go up on Bullet Reviews after Jon Lim and I smooth it out; it’s pretty rough right now.