Notes from the Worst Apocalypse

Day 84
It’s really hot outside. I can’t go to the movie theater for air conditioning because it’s shut down. Decided to fake a doctor’s appointment to get on the bus for a couple of hours just for the air conditioning and someone coughed in the back of the bus. Do they have COVID-19 or is it just a cough? Impossible to tell since we still don’t have widely-available tests.

Day 122
Went to the store for groceries. Still no beans. Walked through the produce section and someone behind me coughed. I looked around – the person was a man about 35. He turned pale at the realization that someone saw him cough. He knelt down on his knees. I wondered what he was doing. He pulled a long knife from his backpack and apologized for coughing and, before I could react, gutted himself. He collapsed forward on the Fred Meyer floor. The other shoppers and I looked at each other, wondering what to do. Finally, the stillness was broken after someone saw that he had a roll of toilet paper in his shopping cart and a melee broke out over it. The PA system chimed on and a staff member said: “Associates, we have another brawl in Produce.” The system turned off and then back on: “Also, another honor-suicide in Produce. Bring a mop.”

Day 180
I forget what it is to do things in person. We never got the 2-months-on-1-month-off-plan that the Brits and MIT recommended, so we’ve just been confined – more or less – to home. Cops are now tailing “suspicious” people and marking the amount of time they’ve spent outdoors at any given point. It’s like having a walking buddy, but one that can fine you for wanting fresh air. The hospital system collapsed today. Trees in Laurelhurst are dropping their leaves – much like I dropped my good mood when a cop told me that I had been outside too long when I just wanted to walk down to Laurelhurst, yknow?

Day 210
Mitch McConnell shot Chuck Schumer on the Senate floor. I joined an “e-community” that I’m pretty sure is a cult.

Day 211
It’s a cult. Their leader keeps referring to himself as Brother Hyman and reminding us all that the continued presence of the Internet is his doing. I’m thinking about dropping out, but none of my friends are answering their phones anymore and I refuse to get back on Facebook. (Fuck Zuckerberg, right?) The cult – “companionhoodspace” – communicates mostly through charades. Kill me.

Day 215
Left the cult when I remembered I joined using my spam email account and they couldn’t do anything to stop me. Schumer died of complications and Trump gave McConnell a medal of honor.

Day 223
Biden and Trump have announced that they will be co-Presidents. This follows the shutdown of all voting places in the country. I still have not contracted the coronavirus and am beginning to think I never will. Test kits are still not available and Lindsey Graham has announced that he has contracted it for the fourth time but “each time makes me stronger and more vibrant than ever.”

Day 224
Joe Biden has died and Trump has crowned himself Imperator.

Day 225
Vague reports out of Washington that Trump killed Lindsey Graham and ate his heart for strength.

Day 300
Still can’t find beans. I miss my kale and white bean stew something fierce, I tell you what.

Day 314
Work is still going strong, though Europe has been on shutdown for almost a year and China is in its fourth lockdown. I had to write someone and tell them that they could not use a logo because the text was too thin. As I hit “Send” I wondered just what the hell it is I’m doing with my life. I looked out the window and saw a shanty town on the street where, the day before, there was not one. All I wondered was if they had the coronavirus.

Day 353
Had a long phone call with a product submitter wherein I had to explain the need to comply with logo guidelines during the state of a global pandemic. Why? I don’t know anymore.

Day 365
I made it one year! [party horns] There are rumors that Trump has created an “Infinite Life Throne” in the West Wing and that he has suggested that sacrifices from ICE detention centers will carry him through to eternity. A massive government bill in support of this proposal has been fast-tracked by McConnel and Graham. Still no beans in the grocery store.

Day 370
Found a can of beans! They’re pinto beans but good enough!

Day 371
Recovered from the assault and robbery. They stole my can of pinto beans.