Vote Aaron Simon for Chairman Potentate of the United States of America

With the campaign season nearing an end and many undecided voters wondering what their options are, I thought I’d give my fellow Americans another option. Hold out my hand and try to aid my fellow man, as it were.

See, I know many undecided people. They call themselves “moderate.” The true voice of America. They eschew the rhetoric of the party-line voter and simply ask what the candidates offer. Many times, and this election is no different, they feel left out. Thrown to the wayside as they perceive the major parties to be moving to one extreme or the other.

As always, I call it hogwash. The GOP is becoming a fascist, neo-Nazi institution. That is an established fact that no one in their right mind would contest. But to say that the Democrats are shifting socialist is absurd. First of all, no one in the party refers to Obama as “Comrade President.” Second, I’ve yet to hear them call for the blood of fascists and Christians. And no matter how many times I bring that up to a typical Republican, their reaction is the same: Their head spins, green vomit spews from their mouth as if they were a broken fire hydrant, and the GOP motto is sounded like the shofar on Rosh Hashana: “Ia! Ia! C’thulhu p’thagn!”

And so, in order to help my non-Elder God-worshipping friends, I’d like to offer my name as an alternative this election cycle. I’m not on any ballot, but you can write my name in. And sure, I may not have “traditional” experience, but what I do have is 180 hours logged in Civilization V. My opponents will – no doubt – claim that many of those hours have been spent with me doing something else, not paying attention to the game, but fuck them. They probably play on Settler.

So, without further ado, my platform:

Foreign Policy:

  • First off, I have never annexed a city-state. I have puppeted city-states, but only 1) after I research Giant Death Robots or 2) if they’re being douchey and keep allying with jerks.
  • War is always a last resort. Unless we have Giant Death Robots.
  • Nukes are rarely to be used. Like, if the Aztecs are being jerks and keep denouncing us, but never do anything but sit in their cities? I’ll nuke ‘em.
  • I disagree with opponents who say that Gandhi is to be wiped out. Gandhi can be a staunch trade partner. America can gain much more from trade and research agreements than she can from war.
  • Some may say that Declarations of Friendship are to be used sparingly. I disagree. America needs all the allies she can get in the coming world, leading up to either the Utopia Project (unlikely) or my plans for space colonization.
  • Diplomacy above all else, but if another civ is being jerky to someone else? Our B-52s and stealth bombers will rain fire from the heavens.

On Faith:

  • Judaism will be the state religion.
  • We will spread Judaism across the world to get that sweet science bonus from Interfaith Dialogue.
  • So help me God, if someone converts an American city, there will be war.
  • All religious prophets will be referred to as “Great Prophet x,” where x = number of prophet in chronological order so as to not offend our Muslim friends.

On Scientific Advancement:

  • Our first goal should be to ensure that all cities have universities. The science they generate – along with the free tech provided by Oxford University’s construction is imperative in being foremost in the world in technological advancement.
  • Beeline to Apollo Program. Trust me. The last thing you want is for the damn Babylonians to nab it. They do, and they might as well will the space station into existence.
  • Science above all else. Seeing as how we’re in the Information Age already (yikes!) all cities need to be focused on research.
  • I know we’re attached to the Freedom policy tree, but that’s for mooks. Order is the most efficient track for a society focused on science. Get used to it, everyone. Once we adopt Communism, we’ll have a bounty like none other, but if you criticise me, you’re getting exiled to that shitty Antarctic colony we established for “research purposes.”

On Social Issues:

  • As long as you do not harm others or interrupt Progress or Science!, you are free to do as you will.
  • Pro-gay marriage.
  • Pro-legalization of marijuana.
  • Monuments, amphitheatres, and opera houses everywhere.
  • We will transplant all of the world’s wonders for the massive boot in culture. Suck it, everyone else. Chitzen Itza is now in Atlanta.

On the Economy:

  • A strong economy leads to growth, which leads to more population to work in factories and increase Science! production for the State.
  • I will encourage international trade.
  • Our nation’s roads, highways, rails, and harbors are integral to trade, and so I will increase infrastructure spending for improvement and upkeep.
  • Buildings that increase happiness are expensive, and so, unless absolutely necessary, they will not be built. No stadiums or theaters. Only Science! and Production.
  • The State will gladly sell you and your home if it means increased revenue.
  • When the time comes – unless we’ve colonized space – all your shit’s gonna be nationalized.

That about covers it. Come Election Day, vote Aaron Simon for Chairman Potentate of the United States of America.

BREAKING: Mitt Romney Debating Under The Influence!

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Institute for Honesty in Political Discourse has announced that they have received evidence that Republican candidate for President of the United States was under the influence of performance-enhancing drug, caffeine, during Wednesday night’s debate.

The Institute, a watchdog group created soon after members of the public were shocked by the sheer amateurish nature of Secretary of State Colin Powell’s presentation of satellite images of alleged Iraqi WMD bases, has announced that it has intelligence from a source inside the Romney campaign that former Governor Mitt Romney consumed “three to five” beverages containing espresso.

“We do not break this news lightly,” said the spokeswoman for the organization, Jessica Chalmers. “We know the implications of imbibing caffeine, not only on an individual level, but what it means for American political discourse.”

“Further,” she continued, “our source has confirmed that Governor Romney began utilizing caffeine during the Republican primary elections.”

The Institute primarily fact-checks political discourse, but will occasionally push politicians to be open about their private actions. One such controversial point in their history came in their involvement in the Representative Anthony Weiner Twitter debacle.

The Institute utilized a combination of evidence and guilt-laden recordings of Weiner’s mother to push the Congressman to admit his wrongdoing, a tactic that embroiled the organization in controversy.

Since then, the Institute has been largely silent, posting updates on claims made by politicians on its website, and little else.

However, with this latest announcement, the Institute has been thrust in the spotlight. Its president – Landon Jones, a former computer programmer from Amherst, Massachusetts – appeared on Anderson Cooper 360 to speak about the Institute’s past, its partisan relations, and where he wants to take it.

“We are not affiliated with either party,” he said. “That should be clear.”

Jones then brought the focus back to the Romney issue. “What we have here is a clear example of a politician utilizing drugs to gain the upper hand against his opponent. We at the Institute want to know: What sort of precedent does this set?”

Though the country has been sent into a whirl of speculation over the allegations, there is a history of caffeine in politics.

It has been said that Abraham Lincoln drank “copious amounts” of coffee while drafting the Gettysburg Address.

Theodore Roosevelt was a rumored coffee-fiend, as well; the assassination attempt on his life rumored as having been funded by a coffee roaster whose business was shunned by the president.

And, at the root of it all, the Boston Tea Party, the singlemost important event that brought America from the tea-drinking world to the coffee-drinking sphere of influence.

Political precedent aside, caffeine has become a mark of shame, an indicator that a politician cannot hold his or her own.

“Governor Romney has never – I repeat, never – utilized caffeine on the campaign trail,” said Romney campaign spokeswoman, Andrea Saul. “He comes from a strict Mormon upbringing, and to use caffeine would be tantamount to blasphemy.”

The candidate himself spoke out: “My track record of success in both business and politics is founded on a natural work ethic. Caffeine is a tool of the sheep-like mass of humanity who want nothing more than to be coddled by the government.”

Allegations that President Obama’s bedraggled appearance was a result of caffeine withdrawals have so far been met with silence from the campaign.

I’m Terrible At This

So I realized two things this morning.

  1. I’ve forgotten about this blog
  2. Holy shit, that fake e-mail about the short story is all sorts of screwed up.

As for the first point, my bad, dudes. My creative juices are mostly all going to editing the second volume of the Justice Trio, recording lines for a couple of mods, and opening the Skyrim Creation Kit, being intimidated, and closing it.

So, allow this post to be amends and forgive me for all my sins.

Further, I’m going to just delete that e-mail chain because it’s not that funny. Oh well. You win some and you lose some. 

– AS