Vote Aaron Simon for Chairman Potentate of the United States of America

With the campaign season nearing an end and many undecided voters wondering what their options are, I thought I’d give my fellow Americans another option. Hold out my hand and try to aid my fellow man, as it were.

See, I know many undecided people. They call themselves “moderate.” The true voice of America. They eschew the rhetoric of the party-line voter and simply ask what the candidates offer. Many times, and this election is no different, they feel left out. Thrown to the wayside as they perceive the major parties to be moving to one extreme or the other.

As always, I call it hogwash. The GOP is becoming a fascist, neo-Nazi institution. That is an established fact that no one in their right mind would contest. But to say that the Democrats are shifting socialist is absurd. First of all, no one in the party refers to Obama as “Comrade President.” Second, I’ve yet to hear them call for the blood of fascists and Christians. And no matter how many times I bring that up to a typical Republican, their reaction is the same: Their head spins, green vomit spews from their mouth as if they were a broken fire hydrant, and the GOP motto is sounded like the shofar on Rosh Hashana: “Ia! Ia! C’thulhu p’thagn!”

And so, in order to help my non-Elder God-worshipping friends, I’d like to offer my name as an alternative this election cycle. I’m not on any ballot, but you can write my name in. And sure, I may not have “traditional” experience, but what I do have is 180 hours logged in Civilization V. My opponents will – no doubt – claim that many of those hours have been spent with me doing something else, not paying attention to the game, but fuck them. They probably play on Settler.

So, without further ado, my platform:

Foreign Policy:

  • First off, I have never annexed a city-state. I have puppeted city-states, but only 1) after I research Giant Death Robots or 2) if they’re being douchey and keep allying with jerks.
  • War is always a last resort. Unless we have Giant Death Robots.
  • Nukes are rarely to be used. Like, if the Aztecs are being jerks and keep denouncing us, but never do anything but sit in their cities? I’ll nuke ‘em.
  • I disagree with opponents who say that Gandhi is to be wiped out. Gandhi can be a staunch trade partner. America can gain much more from trade and research agreements than she can from war.
  • Some may say that Declarations of Friendship are to be used sparingly. I disagree. America needs all the allies she can get in the coming world, leading up to either the Utopia Project (unlikely) or my plans for space colonization.
  • Diplomacy above all else, but if another civ is being jerky to someone else? Our B-52s and stealth bombers will rain fire from the heavens.

On Faith:

  • Judaism will be the state religion.
  • We will spread Judaism across the world to get that sweet science bonus from Interfaith Dialogue.
  • So help me God, if someone converts an American city, there will be war.
  • All religious prophets will be referred to as “Great Prophet x,” where x = number of prophet in chronological order so as to not offend our Muslim friends.

On Scientific Advancement:

  • Our first goal should be to ensure that all cities have universities. The science they generate – along with the free tech provided by Oxford University’s construction is imperative in being foremost in the world in technological advancement.
  • Beeline to Apollo Program. Trust me. The last thing you want is for the damn Babylonians to nab it. They do, and they might as well will the space station into existence.
  • Science above all else. Seeing as how we’re in the Information Age already (yikes!) all cities need to be focused on research.
  • I know we’re attached to the Freedom policy tree, but that’s for mooks. Order is the most efficient track for a society focused on science. Get used to it, everyone. Once we adopt Communism, we’ll have a bounty like none other, but if you criticise me, you’re getting exiled to that shitty Antarctic colony we established for “research purposes.”

On Social Issues:

  • As long as you do not harm others or interrupt Progress or Science!, you are free to do as you will.
  • Pro-gay marriage.
  • Pro-legalization of marijuana.
  • Monuments, amphitheatres, and opera houses everywhere.
  • We will transplant all of the world’s wonders for the massive boot in culture. Suck it, everyone else. Chitzen Itza is now in Atlanta.

On the Economy:

  • A strong economy leads to growth, which leads to more population to work in factories and increase Science! production for the State.
  • I will encourage international trade.
  • Our nation’s roads, highways, rails, and harbors are integral to trade, and so I will increase infrastructure spending for improvement and upkeep.
  • Buildings that increase happiness are expensive, and so, unless absolutely necessary, they will not be built. No stadiums or theaters. Only Science! and Production.
  • The State will gladly sell you and your home if it means increased revenue.
  • When the time comes – unless we’ve colonized space – all your shit’s gonna be nationalized.

That about covers it. Come Election Day, vote Aaron Simon for Chairman Potentate of the United States of America.

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