From: Darlene-Lynn Brown

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 9:46 AM

To: _EVERYONE

Subject: Missed a phone call???!!(!)

Hi Guys,

I got a voice mail from a female asking me to return the telephone call to 573-1729. The only other thing I could understand on this message was “this is very important to me, have a blessed day.”  When I attempted to return the telephone call, I explained to her that she had left a message, but I couldn’t understand the rest of the voice mail and I was returning her telephone call. She told me that if I didn’t know who I was calling, I had the wrong number. The person I spoke with was clearly the same person that left the voice mail.   I have no recollection of anyone with this number and think I may have gotten the voicemail by mistake. Have any of you all attempted to make contact with someone at this number?  I sure don’t want her to fall through the cracks!

Darlene-Lynn Brown
Employed Vagabond

 

From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 9:52 AM

To: Darlene-Lynn Brown

Subject: RE: Missed a phone call???!!(!)

Darlene:

I’m so, super psyched that you felt the need to tell us that you received a phone call. Here I was, wondering whether or not Darlene keeps her work phone hooked up throughout the day, and then, verily, the Lord blesses me with an answer in the form of a missed call. Truly, we live in Holy times.

Often, I receive odd calls. Sometimes, they are in Spanish, as it turns out that the previous owner of my cell phone number was an immigration lawyer. Now, the only foreign language I can speak is French, and—even then—I sound like a mentally deficient five year old. (Or, alternatively, you. I’m joking. Or am I?) So, naturally, being as compelled as I am to get in contact with these people, I will return their phone call, but only to shout, “JE NE PARLE PAS ESPAGNOL! JE NE PARLE PAS ESPAGNOL!” The people then start shouting in Spanish, and I have to continue shouting in French until either my throat starts bleeding or they hang up. Generally, after that, they don’t call again. May I suggest trying that?

I have a very important question for you, and I want you to devote all of your mental faculties to answering it: In your wall of text, you mention that a female called you. My question is this:

A female of what species?

Darlene, I know you are Southern, and thus believe science is some Satan-led plot to destroy Christianity, but you must realize that a female of any species other than homo sapiens using the telephone would be earth shattering. The way we view life would change monumentally and it would be you in the spot-light.

Maybe you could afford some language classes so you wouldn’t tack on an extra eight syllables to every word. You know. Food for thought.

Anyway, please let me know. Unlike you, I have many friends in the hard sciences would would be absolutely pumped to hear about this sort of stuff.

Best,

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Guy

From: Darlene-Lynn Brown

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 10:02 AM

To: Aaron Simon

Subject: RE: RE: Missed a phone call???!!(!)

Who do you think you are??? I am a VERY busy worker and employee of this organization and you need to mind your own friggen business or I will get ted hayword ion you

Darlene-Lynn Brown

Employed Vagabond

 

From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 10:04 AM

To: Darlene-Lynn Brown

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Missed a phone call???!!(!)

I don’t think you understand the severity of this situation. If this is a female, well, dog, for example, then we, as humans, have the imperative to outlaw dog ownership as it would be tantamount to slavery. If it is a chimpanzee that called you, then we may presume that the connection between humans and chimps is even closer than we had thought. You owe this to humanity to respond, Darlene.

Also, I beg to differ on your “VERY busy worker” claim. I have been told by little birds that you spend most of your time on eBay searching for baby clothes.

Tell me, Darlene, why are you searching for baby clothes when both of your children have outgrown that stage? Planning something, are we? It would be a shame if the TBI were to get wind of a person who kidnaps babies. Well, it would be a shame for that person. I think that I’d just be doing my civic duty by putting away such a dangerous person.

Remember, Darlene. My little birds see all.

 

Aaron Simon

The Spider

Enrollment Guy

 

From: Darlene-Lynn Brown

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 10:36 AM

To: Aaron Simon

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Missed a phone call???!!(!)

U r sick. Where are you I just went by ur desk to tell you off and u wernt there u sick jerk. IT WAS A PERSON DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU IDIOT!!!!!

STOP WATCHING ME IT IS NONE OF UR BUSNESS WHAT I DO IONNLINE!

Darlene-Lynn Brown

Employed Vagabond

 

From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 10:36 AM

To: Darlene-Lynn Brown

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Missed a phone call???!!(!)

Darlene:

I am saddened to hear that you have just now decided to tell us that the entity who called you was not a chimpanzee. Surely, science is hurting today. …

Of course, there is always the possibility that you are lying. But you wouldn’t do that, would you, Darlene? Especially when little Darryl is struggling so much in his Physical Sciences class at Dickson County Middle School. It would be such a shame to get on the wrong side of an organization as important and, well, ruthless as White Mesa Biotic Engineering.

As for your concerns about my presence in the office: I can assure you that I am in the building. The desk is but a decoy. I have many enemies in this organization, the detestable lackey Ted Hayward among them, and it would not do to have them know where I actually do my job. Nor would it do for you to know where I do my job.

As to your concern that I need to watch you to know what you’re doing, it’s baseless. I am not watching you. I don’t watch anyone. I am not some sad voyeur who spends their life in the darkness, peeking through blinds. That’s my brother. I have a deep network of informants, whom I call my “little birds.” They are the ones watching you.

Be careful.

Best,

Aaron Simon

The Spider

Enrollment Guy

P.S. You keep getting error messages on your computer because you continuously visit PicsOfCuteCatsOMG.com. Those error messages are viruses.

 

From: Ted Hayward

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 12:02 PM

To: Aaron Simon

Subject: Workspace

Dear Mr. Simon,

I kindly remind you of the policy manual, which states that if an employee is not working from home, then they are to be at their assigned workspace during working hours. Obviously, there is leeway here, but we do not allow employees to have more than one workstation.

Please return to your desk on the second floor.

Best,

Ted Hayward

Director, Human Resources

 

From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 12:04 PM

To: Ted Hayward

Subject: RE: Workspace

Dear Ted,

I kindly remind you of the policy manual, which states that no illegal activity is to be conducted during work hours on company property. This includes downloading torrents of, oh my, German interracial gay pornography.

Ted, I didn’t know you swung that way. What will your wife and sons think?

Best,

Aaron Simon

The Spider

Enrollment Guy

P.S. I also kindly remind you to take a flying fuck at the moon.

 

From: Ted Hayward

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 1:13 PM

To: _EVERYONE

Subject: Change in policy

Dear all,

I thought I’d take the time to let you know that there will be a change in the policy manual soon. You may, with sufficient reason, have an alternate workspace in the building.

Best,

Ted Hayward

 

Director, Human Resources

 

From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 1:22 PM

To: Darlene-Lynn Brown

Subject: RE: Workspace

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From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 12:04 PM

To: Ted Hayward

Subject: RE: Workspace