My Brief Time As A Marvel Writer

The following is a transcript of Aaron Simon’s appearance as the new sole writer of Spider-Man at Comic-Con, San Diego, where he was the featured speaker on a panel of Marvel writers. It is notable since he was fired shortly thereafter.

MC: So join me in welcoming the new writer of Spider-Man, Aaron Simon.

[Applause. Simon walks in from stage left. He wears what could be described as hobo clothes, has about three weeks’ facial hair growth, and it does not look like he has bathed in a while. He carries a bottle of whiskey in his right hand. As he approaches the table, a stage hand runs out of the wings and grabs the bottle. Words are exchanged, though it is unclear what was said, and, after a couple minutes of grunting and struggling, Simon lets the whiskey go. He sits at the table in front of him and positions the microphone in front of his face.]

AS: Hi. So. Uh. [He shields his eyes from the glare of the auditorium lights.] Fuck, those are bright. Can we get that shit turned down?

MC: Can we? [MC holds his hand to his ear.] No we can’t. Okay, Mr. Simon, how about you introduce yourself to everyone here. You’re kind of a newcomer to the comics industry, aren’t you?

AS: Fuck yeah. I don’t read this garbage.

[Grumbling from the crowd.]

MC: [Nervous laugh] You must mean DC Comics.

[Raucous laughter from the crowd.]

AS: What, seriously? You virgins are laughing at that shit? Fuck off. No, comics. Garbage. Big scam. You gotta read everything by a company to understand what’s going on. I mean, shit, literature’s hostile to newcomers, but with comics, you bastards might as well have been drugging newcomers and then [redacted] before [redacted].

[Dead silence from the crowd.]

MC: I—er, maybe—

AS: But, you know, I mean, I haven’t read anything in comics for a while now. Specially not Spider-Man. [Leans forward and addresses the panel.] What was that shit you guys pulled a while back? Made a deal with the devil so May could keep living? Then there was some crap about totems and shamans and bullshit like that? Then the whole “Oooh, everyone forget what Spider-Man’s identity is after Civil War?” Spineless assholes.

[From the crowd]: So what was the last comic you read?

AS: Eh, Preacher, probably. That had some balls. Killed God. Wasn’t afraid to step on toes.

[Crowd Member]: What the hell are you planning to do?

AS: Oh, I’m gonna kill the little prick. Badly. Taking a page from American History X. But I doubt you freaks have seen that movie. It calls for intelligence on the part of the viewer. No catsuits and big tits in that movie.

[The crowd begins to shout at the panel. The other panelists grow visibly upset, while Simon sits back and stares at the crowd.]

MC: Okay, let’s all settle down, now. Mr. Simon is obviously just pulling your chain—collectively, of course—and doesn’t mean any of this.

AS: Oh, I mean every bit of it, my friend.

MC: How did you get hired?!

AS: Marvel finally realized that they were being fuckin assholes and screwing their customers for, how many years?

[Boos from the crowd]

AS: Jesus Christ, talk about Stockholm Syndrome. You bastards serious? A book costs, what, three bucks? Okay, that’s not much, but you read a comic book in the main Marvel line and it’s peppered with asterisks and admonishments for not reading Fantastic Four #Whatever, the one-time crossover between Hulk and Spider-Man, that one issue of Punisher where dude was like “Whoops, I’m a jerk,” and then the issue of Avengers where Marvel’s trying to just convince people to see the movie that they’re already going to see because it’s comics and Joss Whedon.

[More boos]

AS: Seriously, it’s nuts. You want the full story, you gotta buy six line-ups. I bet you’re the sons of bitches who complain about downloadable content in video games, too. Oh, you think don’t get the full story and so it’s all “Video game publishers are Satan!” But here, you see a bunch of asterisks everywhere and you take it. God knows why, though, ya fuckin shouldn’t. Consumer whores.

[Screaming from the audience. The MC signals to security to escort Simon from the panel.]

AS: Oh, you can’t take the fucking truth, huh? You just love being fucked by the comic book industry that much that you stone the prophet. That’s fine. Crucify your comics Jesus all you want, but I’m going to kill Spider-Man. [Holds the mic close to his face.] You hear me? I’m going to end the web-slinger. I’m going to do what Green Goblin, Mysterio, Venom, and The Vulture could never do. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

[Items fly at the panel from the audience.]

MC: Please don’t throw memorabilia at the panel.

[Two security guards come up on stage to apprehend Simon. The writer jumps up and grabs another panelist and uses him as a human shield.]

AS [shouting]: You think you can stop me? You can’t!

Panelist: Put me down! I’m just an inker!

AS: Nothing you can do will save Spider-Man! The industry must learn that they cannot fuck over their customers! Spider-Man must die!

[The security guards tackle both the inker and Simon to the ground and carry the screaming writer off stage.]

Press release, three days later:

Marvel announces that they have decided to end their partnership with Aaron Simon, former writer of The Amazing Spider-Man. Mr. Simon penned zero issues.

“We had creative differences,” Marvel editor-in-chief Joe Quesada said, “and both parties agreed it was best to part ways.

Mr. Simon could not be reached for comment on a telephone call, but a relevant blog post stated: “Marvel are fucking up again, and it won’t be me who’s going broke in two years. Bastards think movies can save them. They can’t.”

Marvel is pleased to announce that the next Spider-Man story arc will feature Peter Parker struggling with the choice of letting Aunt May die by zombie attack, or killing the zombies, who are Mary Jane Watson and Gwen Stacy.

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The following is a transcript of Aaron Simon’s appearance as the new sole writer of Spider-Man at Comic-Con, San Diego, where he was the featured speaker on a panel of Marvel writers. It is notable since he was fired shortly thereafter.

MC: So join me in welcoming the new writer of Spider-Man, Aaron Simon.

[Applause. Simon walks in from stage left. He wears what could be described as hobo clothes, has about three weeks’ facial hair growth, and it does not look like he has bathed in a while. He carries in his right hand a bottle of whiskey. As he approaches the table, a stage hand runs out of the wings and grabs the whiskey bottle. Words are exchanged, though it is unclear what was said, and, after a couple minutes of grunting and struggling, Simon lets the whiskey go. He sits at the table in front of him and positions the microphone in front of his face.]

AS: Hi. So. Uh. [He shields his eyes from the glare of the auditorium lights.] Fuck, those are bright. Can we get that shit turned down?

MC: Can we? [MC holds his hand to his ear.] No we can’t. Okay, Mr. Simon, how about you introduce yourself to everyone here. You’re kind of a newcomer to the comics industry, aren’t you?

AS: Fuck yeah. I don’t read this garbage.

[Grumbling from the crowd.]

MC: [Nervous laugh] You must mean DC Comics.

[Raucous laughter from the crowd.]

AS: What, seriously? You virgins are laughing at that shit? Fuck off. No, comics. Garbage. Big scam. You gotta read everything by a company to understand what’s going on. I mean, shit, literature’s hostile to newcomers, but with comics, you bastards might as well have been drugging newcomers and then [redacted] before [redacted].

[Dead silence from the crowd.]

MC: I—er, maybe—

AS: But, you know, I mean, I haven’t read anything in comics for a while now. Specially not Spider-Man. [Leans forward and addresses the panel.] What was that shit you guys pulled a while back? Made a deal with the devil so May could keep living? Then there was some crap about totems and shamans and bullshit like that? Then the whole “Oooh, everyone forget what Spider-Man’s identity is after Civil War?” Spineless assholes.

[From the crowd]: So what was the last comic you read?

AS: Eh, Preacher, probably. That had some balls. Killed God. Wasn’t afraid to step on toes.

[Crowd Member]: What the hell are you planning to do?

AS: Oh, I’m gonna kill the little prick. Badly. Taking a page from American History X. But I doubt you freaks have seen that movie. It calls for intelligence on the part of the viewer. No catsuits and big tits in that movie.

[The crowd begins to shout at the panel. The other panelists grow visibly upset, while Simon sits back and stares at the crowd.]

MC: Okay, let’s all settle down, now. Mr. Simon is obviously just pulling your chain—collectively, of course—and doesn’t mean any of this.

AS: Oh, I mean every bit of it, my friend.

MC: How did you get hired?!

AS: Marvel finally realized that they were being fuckin assholes and screwing their customers for, how many years?

[Boos from the crowd]

AS: Jesus Christ, talk about Stockholm Syndrome. You bastards serious? A book costs, what, three bucks? Okay, that’s not much, but you read a comic book in the main Marvel line and it’s peppered with asterisks and admonishments for not reading Fantastic Four #Whatever, the one-time crossover between Hulk and Spider-Man, that one issue of Punisher where dude was like “Whoops, I’m a jerk,” and then the issue of Avengers where Marvel’s trying to just convince people to see the movie that they’re already going to see because it’s comics and Joss Whedon.

[More boos]

AS: Seriously, it’s nuts. You want the full story, you gotta buy six line-ups. I bet you’re the sons of bitches who complain about downloadable content in video games, too. Oh, you don’t get the full story—or so you think—and so it’s all “Video game publishers are Satan!” But here, you see a bunch of asterisks everywhere and you take it. God knows why, though, ya fuckin shouldn’t. Consumer whores.

[Screaming from the audience. The MC signals to security to escort Simon from the panel.]

AS: Oh, you can’t take the fucking truth, huh? You just love being fucked by the comic book industry that much that you stone the prophet. That’s fine. Crucify your comics Jesus all you want, but I’m going to kill Spider-Man. [Holds the mic close to his face.] You hear me? I’m going to end the web-slinger. I’m going to do what Green Goblin, Mysterio, Venom, and The Vulture could never do. And there’s nothing you can do to stop me.

[Items fly at the panel from the audience.]

MC: Please don’t throw memorabilia at the panel.

[Two security guys come up on stage and try to apprehend Simon. The writer jumps up and grabs another panelist and uses him as a human shield.]

AS [shouting]: You think you can stop me? You can’t!

Panelist: Put me down! I’m just an inker!

AS: Nothing you can do will save Spider-Man! The industry must learn that they cannot fuck over their customers! Spider-Man must die!

[The security guards tackle both the inker and Simon to the ground and carry the screaming writer off stage.]

Press release, three days later: Marvel announces that they have decided to end their partnership with Aaron Simon, former writer of The Amazing Spider-Man. Mr. Simon penned zero issues.

“We had creative differences,” Marvel editor-in-chief Joe Quesada said, “and both parties agreed it was best to part ways.

Mr. Simon could not be reached for comment on a telephone call, but a relevant blog post stated: “Marvel are fucking up again, and it won’t be me who’s going broke in two years. Bastards think movies can save them. They can’t.”

Marvel is pleased to announce that the next Spider-Man story arc will feature Peter Parker struggling with the choice of letting Aunt May die by zombie attack, or killing the zombies, who are Mary Jane Watson and Gwen Stacy.

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