While I’m working on another book, there’s been a distinct lack of posts on the site. You have my sincerest apologies. In an attempt to make it up to you, I’ve gotten in contact with a certain street urchin who’s posted on this site before. He agreed to “write” a guest post for you in honor of Charles Dickens’s birthday.
The only edits I’ve made have been spelling when it hasn’t taken away the charm of Tim’s distinct writing style. Clarity and cohesion be damned.
Hullo there, friends! It’s me, Tim Timiny Cheerio Idiot again and let me tell you, it has been a long while since I was last able to put me thoughts down on paper. It is like that mostly because I had a job at a steel mill! That was fun! There was all sorts of men who looked at me all weird-like and said, “Boy, yer accent is fuckin fake, don’t fuck with us.” But my accent isn’t fake because I’m from London Town and this is how we all talk at least from the time when I was born. I can’t die, you know. It’s because a Gypsy woman put a curse on me when I was ten and stole a pocket watch from her because it was shining in the light and my boss the man who takes things said, “Timothy, you go steal that watch or I’ll beat the piss outta ya” and so I did. But the Gypsy woman caughted me and said, “No,” and then put a curse on me that made me never age or die.
So you’ve found yourself in a den of racism—oh, no!
What was until this point a gathering of like-minded individuals in a social setting, filled with hope, promise, and joy, has suddenly turned into the Nuremberg Rally. And you happen to be the sole minority in a crowd of goose-stepping fascists.
But don’t worry, there are ways out of this predicament. First, though, you have to figure out what kind of racists these people are. Let’s take a look, using the scientific Simon Strata of Shitheads, Racist Edition.
- Overt Racists – These are the fellows who have barbed wire tattoos on their biceps, wear shirts that feature either Confederate flags or swastikas, and have no qualms about telling you what they think the NBA stands for.
- Casual Racists – The name tells you everything you need to know. This is a group found quite often in the South for various reasons, each as stupid as the last. While overt racists mean to really take down other groups by any means necessary, casual racists just don’t really know what they sound like to anyone that’s outside of their own social strata. While overt racists are to be hated or feared, casual racists are to be pitied.
- Casual, Stupid Racists – These are people whose brains are little more than silly putty. Like silly putty, if they view mainstream media, they will repeat—ad nauseum—everything they see that draws laughs, even if they don’t understand the context which makes it funny. Especially when they don’t understand it. You’ll be able to spot this person by hearing incessant quotes from Family Guy, South Park, and regurgitated, horrible memes from the /b/ board of 4Chan. The CSR is harmless because they lack a working mind, but that shouldn’t stop you from mocking them and/or throwing a punch as the case may be.
So, now that you’ve identified which group you’re dealing with, you need to get out of this. In my never-ending mission to assist my fellow man, I’m going to provide some suggestions. But, above all, good luck. You’re gonna need it.