So you’ve found yourself in a den of racism—oh, no!

What was until this point a gathering of like-minded individuals in a social setting, filled with hope, promise, and joy, has suddenly turned into the Nuremberg Rally. And you happen to be the sole minority in a crowd of goose-stepping fascists.

But don’t worry, there are ways out of this predicament. First, though, you have to figure out what kind of racists these people are. Let’s take a look, using the scientific Simon Strata of Shitheads, Racist Edition.

1. Overt Racists – These are the fellows who have barbed wire tattoos on their biceps, wear shirts that feature either Confederate flags[1] or swastikas,[2] and have no qualms about telling you what they think the NBA stands for.
2. Casual Racists – The name tells you everything you need to know. This is a group found quite often in the South[3] for various reasons, each as stupid as the last. While overt racists mean to really take down other groups by any means necessary, casual racists just don’t really know what they sound like to anyone that’s outside of their own social strata. While overt racists are to be hated or feared, casual racists are to be pitied.
3. Casual, Stupid Racists – These are people whose brains are little more than silly putty. Like silly putty, if they view mainstream media, they will repeat—ad nauseum—everything they see that draws laughs, even if they don’t understand the context which makes it funny. Especially when they don’t understand it[4]. You’ll be able to spot this person by hearing incessant quotes from Family Guy, South Park, and regurgitated, horrible memes from the /b/ board of 4Chan[5]. The CSR is harmless because they lack a working mind, but that shouldn’t stop you from mocking them and/or throwing a punch as the case may be.

So, now that you’ve identified which group you’re dealing with, you need to get out of this. In my never-ending mission to assist my fellow man, I’m going to provide some suggestions. But, above all, good luck. You’re gonna need it.

Method 1: The Chameleon

 

This method is best used in the presence of Overt Racists. You probably should have realized something was terribly wrong when your friends started dressing like they were going to a white pride rally, but no matter. Here you are. The trick is to deal with them until you can extract yourself from the premises and go get a nice, calming, blackout.

You could start throwing punches, but these people are used to fighting. Just look at their eyes. Each one has the ocular equivalent to bright red, threatening buttons that say “Certain Death Comes From Pushing This Button.” You’re no match for one of them, let alone a whole group of them.

So, what do you do? Blend in. Dig deep within your soul and come out with the most heinous, hateful words and phrases you can think of. They’ll accept you as one of their own and, eventually, let you leave. This is opposed to the alternative, where if they knew what you really were, you’d wind up in the hospital.

It won’t feel right, but your imperative as a human being is to live, and unless you’re in a group of right-thinking individuals who can match these Overt Racists, then you won’t be doing much of that by stepping up to them.

Afterwards, find a member of whatever group you were disparaging and apologize profusely. They won’t know what you’re talking about, but you’ll feel much better afterwards.

 

Method 2: The Rhetor

 

Ah, the Casual Racist. Often, these people are surprisingly logical and are actually quite fine on their own. You may find that several of your good friends are Casual Racists, and you had no idea until now. If this is the case, don’t despair: You can explain your point of view and, hopefully, they’ll listen.

Now, this is actually much harder than the Chameleon—or the method that follows—because it requires you to use all those skills you developed in your English Lit classes and then let fester because you never found a job that requires critical thinking skills.

Establish common ground. You both have a sense of humor, you both know each other quite well, but you both come from different backgrounds. Use the first two to influence the latter, and then explain why what that person said is abhorrent. It will probably spark a debate[6] that will leave both of you more knowledgeable than you were before.

Or, if not, then at least you can leave without feeling like your skin is crawling every time you see the other person.

 

Method 3: Nuke It From Orbit

 

This method, it shouldn’t surprise you, is for use with the Casual, Stupid Racist. There is no hope for the CSR, as their brain is silly putty. They hear something funny and are compelled to repeat it whenever they’re reminded. “Context” is a foreign concept to them, on par with the machinations of the Large Hadron Collider.

As there is no hope for them, you need to get out of the situation as soon as humanly possible. Whereas with the Overt Racist, your best bet is to play along before fleeing, to do so with this group would only mean that you’re in the club and will receive e-mails, facebook messages, and text messages with horrible, horrible things in them followed by “lol :p.”[7]

Your only option is to start swinging, or just leave. If you start swinging, you’ll probably win, as the CSR is too emaciated from spending 16 hours a day in front of a computer to win in a fight, but you’ll end up getting bad karma.

If you just leave, make sure that you do so with a big, “Fuck you, cocksuckers.” It doesn’t matter, because they’ll forget you said anything five minutes after you’ve left.