Punny Story

From: Hera Jones

Sent: Monday July 11, 2011, 8:34AM

To: _EVERYONE

Subject: PUNNY STORY!!!!

 

This is your Monday humor . . . enjoy!

Punny story!

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty
old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John
Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is
also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone
else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift

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Please, Send Me Hate Mail

Welp, I’ve been feeling disheartened lately. Kind of an ennui brought about by yet more rejections and some legit thought about this whole teaching abroad thing. (Which is completely different from how I decided to earn my M.A., which was more along the lines of “Hey, that’d be cool, I’ll go… there!”)

But anyway, this isn’t about my feelings, because feelings are scary and terrifying and require one to look seriously at one’s self in order to determine something, anything about one’s self. And I don’t like doing that, because that’s how literary stories are born, and I find those to be detestable and boring by virtue of their navel-gazing and lack of spaceships.

If it doesn't involve at least one X-Wing, I'm not that interested.

And I was thinking earlier, as I am sometimes wont to do, that it’s been a while since I’ve had a good blood-boiling rage-fest. Or, at the very least, had a blood-boiling rage fest directed at me. This got me thinking about my brief stint at The Daily Beacon, where I was so damn enthused to receive hate mail about all of my wholly irrelevant columns–which I might post up here one day, because hey, why not?

So, please, send me hate mail. I’ll go ahead and tell you my beliefs to make it easier for you.

Also, e-mails, please. (AaronCSimon[at]Gmail[dot]com) I forget about comments on here, and if it goes down on facebook, I’ll just try to troll you.

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Rage E-mail

From: Tasha Gordon
Sent: Monday, June 20, 2011 10:34 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: Stop messing with my desk!!!!!!

I don’t know WHO it is but SOMEONE keeps putting STUPID FACES all over my desk. PLEASE STOP!!!!! Im already harased by you people enough for NO GOOD REASON and here you are TRYING TO GET ME EVEN MORE ANGRY

ARGH

Tasha Gordon
Case Manager

 

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, June 20, 2011 10:35 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: RE: Stop messing with my desk!!!!!!

Aaron Simon
Enrollment Guy, Loki Impersonator, Troll
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