They did a repair on the building across the street.  Part of the façade had been missing for a while.  Well they trapped pigeons in the building and they are flying up to the window trying to get out.  It is freaking me out – does anyone have any suggestions?  I went across the street yesterday and told the young lady working the counter and she said that she would tell the owner…..?

Thanks

Leeane Hickum

Neighborhood Watch Coordinator

 

Hello Leeane,

Perhaps I might be able to offer some assistance.

You see, I lived for a year in the most pigeon-infested nation in the world: England. As I learned, pigeons are naught but flying rats, and should be treated with the same disdain as one would show a rat.

However, I see that you are held back by those paltry things known as emotions and concerns for fellow living creatures. I once felt those things, but then I was called a “bloody Yank” during the World Cup and now, I hate everything.

But that is immaterial.

Apropos your concern for the pigeons, I may be able to help. You see, I know how the pigeon thinks. Wholly unlike humans, who, in the vast world of animalia, may be equated to predators, pigeons barely crest the border of sentient beings. They have no thought processes of their own, and simply react. Thus, it is wholly possible that they are attempting to just get out of the window, when there is a door open behind them.

Thus, I suggest going into the building and opening doors. The pigeons will flock to you, thinking that you are their Messiah. Do not be afraid, though. They may peck and claw at your face, but it is only out of fear. Once they have all perched upon you—as they surely will—just leave the building and, thus, free them.

Regards,

 

Aaron Simon

Problem Solver

 

That’s very weird. You talk like a serial killer, you know that?

No, I don’t want to go into the building I just want to not have to see them trying to fly out of the window like that please give me a good suggestion.

Leeane Hickum

Neighborhood Watch Coordinator

 

 

I do not, and if you say that again I may have to use some tools and training I have acquired in the past.

Now, if you don’t actually want to do anything to free the birds, then you will have to be content in the knowledge that, in your inaction, the birds will have starved to death.

Tell me, Ms Hickum, how does it feel being a bird murderer?

If you’re looking for a suggestion other than the quite simple one I provided, then may I suggest breaking the window?

Regards,

 

Aaron Simon

 

Problem Solver

Loki Impersonator

 

 

I don’t want to know.

I don’t want anything to starve to death, I just want to stop being freaked out. How would I break a window from across the street?

Leeane Hickum

Neighborhood Watch Coordinator

 

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Trapped Pigeons

 

A cannon

Aaron Simon

Caonnoneer

Hoo-ah

 

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Trapped Pigeons

 

How would I get a friggen cannon?

 

Leeane Hickum

Neighborhood Watch Coordinator

 

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Trapped Pigeons

 

I have a cannon. Just ask.

 

Aaron Simon

Mortaaaaaar Combat

 

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Trapped Pigeons

 

Why do you have a cannon?

 

Leeane Hickum

Neighborhood Watch Coordinator

 

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Trapped Pigeons

 

That doesn’t matter.

All that does matter is that I have a cannon in the office, with cannonballs, and you may use the cannon to free the pigeons if you wish.

$50 a shot.

 

Aaron Simon

You Can Have My Cannon When You Pry It From My Cold, Dead Hands

 

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Trapped Pigeons

 

Hi Aaron,

Thanks for the cannon offer, but I found out who owns the building and talked to them. They’re going to go free the pigeons.

Best,

 

Leeane Hickum

Neighborhood Watch Coordinator

 

Subject: Leeane Hickum

 

Hi Aaron,

Dropping you a line to say please don’t e-mail Leeane Hickum again. She thinks you have a cannon.

Best,

 

Ted Hayward

Director, Human Resources

 

Subject: RE: Leeane Hickum

Hi Ted,

Glad to see we’re on speaking terms again, you wretch.

Wonder where she got that idea.

-Aaron

Enrollment Guy

 

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Trapped Pigeons