The 2012 Christmas Letter

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, December 19, 2012 4:00 PM
Subject: Christmas Letter 2012

Dear Coworkers,

It’s that time of the year. We look back upon the artificial construct known as the calendar and consider all that we have lost, accomplished, and put up with over the past year. You may be struck by this e-mail, as this is one of the few I have sent this year. There are many reasons for that, but chief among them was that the detestable Ted Hayward (hello, Ted), upon hiring a new IT guy, had that IT guy block Microsoft Word on my computer. Well, I bypassed the block – you prick – so now you’re all getting an e-mail.

I’ve read your Christmas letters. All of them. How you all have so much to write about, especially since “fluff” would be an overgenerous description of the contents of the missives, is beyond me. I have spoken to most of you over the course of this year, and I can safely say that there is nothing redeeming about 90% of you. Despite my best efforts, though, none of you have yet broken. This may be because of your antiquated faith, or some reserve of willpower that I did not think you possessed, but rest assured, in 2013, you will be reduced to a mindless husk.

But Christmas is not a time for threats, it is a time for joy! Sadly, I do not have much in the way of joy. Our agency is fraught with infighting and strife. And, though our Great Director has his own methods of salvaging the remnants of good cheer that may still be found in dark corners of utility closets, know that, were I in his position, it would go differently. Every time the lot of you complain about some miniscule thing, you would be moved from offices to cubicles. The windows would be shuttered, and the light of day would never again be seen in this building.

Over the past year, I have had much time to reflect upon my station in life. I am still alive and – despite my best efforts to the contrary – my liver still functions. I briefly considered krokodil as a method of making the days go by in a more interesting way, but decided that my aim with a needle was not precise enough to indulge. I would most likely miss a vein and wind up with half of my flesh disintegrated. And, while I have plenty of sick leave saved up, I am not certain it would be enough to allow everything to regrow.

But it is not all negative! I read one good novel. I would tell you what it is, but I sincerely doubt that you would bother to pick up even the audiobook. Very well. It was Camus. L’Etranger. It spoke to my soul. And no. While I have read more contemporary novels, not one of them was worth the paper on which they were printed. Acres of forest were destroyed for this garbage, hastening not only the demise of our culture, but our planet.

And, just last month, as I sat in our department meeting, looking up at the ceiling and wishing upon all that I once held dear that the roof of the building would collapse, I came to a rather freeing revelation: Nihilism, in all of its dead-end philosophy and soul-crushing miasmic power, is the only true ethos. Consider even the greatest of our scientists and thinkers. In three generations’ time, all of their hard work will be obsolete and their names will be erased from everything but their tombstones. So, then, why do we insist upon this repetitive life we call reality?

I realized, then, that there is no reason to do so. Thus, I pledged to break free from the chains of “optimism,” that con. Further, because I believe in all of you, I will do the same for you, whether or not you wish it to happen. The light you believe to be life shall be extinguished and you shall see that the dark oblivion of the future is the only Truth.

Merry Christmas,


P.S. I note that many of you are bringing in baked goods. As is custom, I shall bring in a jar of store-bought, cold, beet borscht.


From: Don Langley
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 8:45 AM
Subject: Their ‘Oak Ridge’ Could Have Been Ours


On March 28, 1979, America’s worst commercial nuclear accident occurred inside the Unit Two reactor at the Three Mile Island plant near Middletown, Pa.

Consider, for a minute, please, what you should do if a news flash announced a ‘significant’ radiation spill in the Cumberland River of a magnitude endangering human life .  .  .


.  .  . please do not lull yourself into thinking that we in Nashville need not be prepared to react intelligently to a radiation threat.


Don Langley

Safety Czar


From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 8:53 AM
To: Don Langley
Subject: RE: Their ‘Oak Ridge’ Could Have Been Ours


Thank you so much for bringing this to people’s attention. I often wonder about the threat of every nuclear facility in the state exploding simultaneously—for reasons varying from terrorism to Ragnarok—and it’s great to see that someone else shares my concern.

I think you’ll be interested in knowing that I’ve been rather proactive in my concerns about this threat. I have taken the initiative and found a company—very hush hush, so you’ll excuse me if I omit their name for the moment—that is preparing an initiative to protect a significant percentage of the American populace from the threat of a nuclear holocaust.

Think of the bomb shelters in the 1950s, except at a much larger scale. The “Vaults,” as they are called, are built to withstand thermonuclear blasts that are far, far greater than those that destroyed Hiroshima and Nagasaki—not to mention they are being built into the sides of geographic features like mountains and canyons.

If you’d like, I can give you more information, but you must swear to keep it on the down-low, okay? There’s only so many slots open, and the screening process is quite thorough.

Quite. Thorough.

Aaron Simon


From: Don Langley
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 9:00 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Their ‘Oak Ridge’ Could Have Been Ours


Good to hear another person has the same thinking ive already gottenemaisl from people who think im overreacting to something that hasn’t happened in ages and wont again but I just said LOOK WHAT HAPPENED IN JAPAN!!!!!

Whats the name of this company Im sure interested….


You said that the screening is thorough……. What does that mean? My wife is interested too


Don Langley

Safety Czar


From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 9:12 AM
To: Don Langley
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Their ‘Oak Ridge’ Could Have Been Ours

The company is called Vault-Tec. Don’t bother running a search online for them; you’ll only get results from some childish game that took inspiration from their efforts.

They’re a group of people who have the best interests of humanity at heart, hence the thorough screening process.  The philosophy behind the way they operate has been criticized as “nearly eugenics,” though that is little more than hate- and fear-mongering by those too short-sighted to acknowledge that the way the world operates is a one-way track to destruction.

The screening involves a complete genetic analysis, psychological profile, and several tests of your willingness to engage in martial combat.

On a somewhat ironic note: Do you recall in earlier in this e-mail, when I mentioned a video game? Well, Vault-Tec, displaying great magnanimity,  has, rather than sued the makers of the game, arranged for the games to be used as part of their screening process.

I have to go take care of a few things, but if you have any more questions, please let me know.

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Guy


From: Don Langley
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 9:30 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Their ‘Oak Ridge’ Could Have Been Ours

You are darn tootin Im interested!!! Don’t know about playing a vddeio game to get into it though… that seems just a BIT WEIRD but if that’s what the man wants. That’s what he gets………

Get back to me when your’e back. I need to know who to contact!

Don Langley

Safety Czar


From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 1:08 PM
To: Don Langley
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Their ‘Oak Ridge’ Could Have Been Ours

Hi Don,

It so happens that the way they’ve got their organization set up is that interested parties contact proxies. It’s kind of like how you don’t go up to a Masonic Lodge and be like, “I’m a Mason now.” You know someone who’s a Mason, then they ease you in.

Same thing.

Lucky for you, Don, I am your proxy. I’ve already got a few things lined up in terms of getting your foot in the door. All I need you to do is run a couple of the simulation/appraisal sections of the game, and then we’ll ship off the data and see if you meet the cut.

Don’t worry: If you’re in, they’ll write your wife in as well.

Enrollment Guy


From: Don Langley
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 1:14 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Their ‘Oak Ridge’ Could Have Been Ours


What do I need to do?

Don Langley

Safety Czar


From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 1:16 PM
To: Don Langley
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Their ‘Oak Ridge’ Could Have Been Ours

I’ll bring in my console tomorrow, hook it up in your office, and show you what to do.

Good luck!


Aaron Simon

Enrollment Guy


From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 1:30 PM
To: Chris Flynn

Dude! You remember me telling you about that part in Old World Blues I couldn’t get past? The part with the Robot Radscorpions and when you have to deal with the Doctor?

Anyway, I got some rube at my office to beat it for me! He thinks there’s an actual Vault-Tec and he’s doing this to get a place in one of the Vaults in case of a nuclear explosion!



From: Chris Flynn
Sent: Wednesday, March 28, 2012 1:35 PM
To: Aaron Simon

You are a sad little man.



AFLAC Interview

My name is Rebecca DuPardue, and I am the office administrator for Kandi McIntyre, Regional Sales Coordinator for Aflac. We have reviewed your resume on and would like to speak with you regarding a career opportunity with our company.

Our Regional Office in Brentwood, TN has an immediate opening on our business- to-business sales and marketing team. Primary responsibilities will include new business development achieved through identifying, pursuing, and closing sales opportunities. Initial concentration will be on the small and medium sized business market in Nashville and the surrounding area. As a member of our team, you will receive top-notch professional training, world-class products and solutions from the leader in our industry, a comprehensive compensation package, and advancement opportunities.

You may reach me at in order to schedule an appointment.


Rebecca DuPardue

Regional Office Administrator


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