From: Ted Hayward

Sent: Monday, August 15, 2011 8:58 AM

To: _EVERYONE

Subject: Your Health Coach

Happy Monday, everyone.

As you may be aware, the state employees’ insurance program requires you to hold to their standards. (Don’t worry. As long as you don’t eat fried chicken and Jell-O for every meal, you will be fine.) One of the ways they enforce the standards are the annual physicals you already came across for your Partnership Promise.

You’ll also be in contact with your “health coach.” They’ll be helping you along the way to better health and a better lifestyle. Your health coach should be in contact with you soon. It is imperative that you work with them, as they are responsible for turning in reports that may result in increases to your premiums.

If you have any questions, please let me know. I’m back in my office.

Best,

Ted Hayward

Human Resources Director

From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Monday, August 15, 2011 9:00 AM

To: Ted Hayward

Subject: RE: Your Health Coach

What are you doing back, you whelp?

Aaron Simon

Pissed

From: Ted Hayward

Sent: Monday, August 15, 2011 9:15 AM

To: Aaron Simon

Subject: RE: RE: Your Health Coach

Hi Aaron,

Yeah, it’s great to be back. Especially after seeing some of the things that happen in federal prisons. That isn’t anything I would wish on anyone.

Not even you.

In the interests of a working environment, I suggest putting an end to whatever hostilities you might want to strike up against me. It’s pointless and juvenile.

Best,

Ted Hayward

Human Resources Director

From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Monday, August 15, 2011 10:01 AM

To: Ted Hayward

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Your Health Coach

Your face is pointless and juvenile.

-Aaron Simon

Just Owned You

From: Robert Smithy

Sent: Thursday, August 25, 2011 11:13 PM

To: Aaron Simon

Subject: Greetings from your health coach

Hi aaron

Robert smithy here and im the healthcoach assigned to you from the insurance program of the staeat.

Ted forwarded some information my way about you and I have to say im kind of concerned about your drinking habites is it normal in teh office to be intoxicated ha ha joke i kno its not. How much do you drink a week I ask because it cn be quiet defastaeting to your body you know

Illbe calling you soon and we can have a talk about your personalized pklan

Robert smithy

Health Coach

From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Thursday, August 25, 2011 11:30 AM

To: Robert Smithy

Subject: RE: Greetings from your health coach

Dear God, you type like a Nigerian prince. What is wrong with you? Do you have a learning disability? If not, don’t worry; I have a certification in teaching English as a foreign language. It’s not quite what you need, but it would be better than languishing in a world where “habites” and “pklan” are legitimate words.

As for your questions about my imbibing alcohol at work and outside the office: Well, sir, that is my business and not yours. If I wish to indulge in the occasional tipple then—hold on a sec.

Okay, sorry. Had to take a shot.

I drink every time one of my office mates’ accents gets on my nerves. It’s a fun little game. Really blow through the Scotch, though, and—oh, damn, one sec.

Sorry again. Sometimes it’s like fuckin Hee Haw in here, man.

Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah, Glennfidditch. Expensive stuff. Might knock myself down to bourbon. This salary doesn’t pay for my booze.

Nice to meet you, though. Good to see that the state is willing to give jobs to people who, in a better time, would have been stuck in the deepest recesses of a factory, putting a shine on metal rods or something.

Au revoir,

Aaron Simon

Would rather be speaking The Queen’s English

From: Robert Smithy

Sent: Thursday, August 25, 2011 11:45 AM

To: Aaron Simon

Subject: RE: RE: Greetings from your health coach

I dont no exactly what you mean, aaron. If this is your actual drinkings habites then you need o watch out what you say to me because if I have reasn to beliv that u r costing the state more money then other pepol then i am required t o report that ur premins shuld be rased and i dont want to do that u kno?

Just tryin to help u out bro

Maybe i shuld tell yu about myself a bit so i dont come across as some freak in a chat room lol i got out of mtsu with a degree in general education and I like running so I work here now

Any idea what your average blood pressure is? Need it for my report and dont want to look it up computers suck ha ha

Robert Smithy

Health Coach

From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Thursday, August 25, 2011 11:50 AM

To: Robert Smithy

Subject: RE: RE: RE: Greetings from your health coach

Jesus Christ, you’re borderline illiterate, aren’t you? You know, man, there’s a saying that I like to use around these parts whenever one of my coworkers says something like, “Aaron, you can’t use the break room as your storyboard repository.”

The saying is one you might have heard before: Snitches get stitches.

Remember that, Bob. Just putting that out there.

As for raising premiums—or so I believe you mean by “premins”—well, all I have to say is that money is a collective illusion brought upon us all by humans’ bizarre ability to give up their own happiness for something as fragile as a television, or car, or house, or anything that, with just the slightest amount of fire, can be ruined. Essentially: Your threat of taking away more of my money falls on deaf ears. With the Internet, the lie of scarcity is shattered, and all one needs to do is download, tweak, or hack.

Don’t call me bro. No one calls me bro. Not even my brother—who has the most claim to calling me ‘bro’—calls me ‘bro.’

You shit.

I wouldn’t go around bandying about your MTSU degree like it means something. It’s not really worth the paper it’s printed on unless you went through Digital Animation or something. And since you, quite proudly, claim that you graduated in “General Studies,” I can assume that you, in fact, didn’t even do that.

My average blood pressure? Enough.

Oh, shit, Tasha Gordon is in the office. Time for drinkin.

-Aaron Simon

Plans On Getting Shitfaced

From: Robert Smithy

Sent: Thursday, August 25, 2011 12:35 PM

To: Aaron Simon

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Greetings from your health coach

Hey tghans in advance for not being a prick k thanks

I forwarded this email to my superviseor to wonder how you keep ur job with thjat sorta shit

I need you to tell me your daily actifitys so I can judge whether or not you need to see a nutricion specialist.

Mtsu is a good school bro I went there nad all my friends and bros and sisters went there and I m a member of kappa sig so fuck off

From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Thursday, August 25, 2011 1:34 PM

To: Robert Smithy

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Greetings from your health coach

Robert:

I’d generally say that my activities are as follows:

5:45 AM: Awaken with a crushing feeling on my chest. Wipe the drool off my face and realize that the pressure isn’t anything to be worried about, simply the realization that we all live in an existential hell, and that there is no way to avoid it save for a retreat into a rapidly-disappearing wilderness.

6:00 AM: Shower.

6:10 AM: Prepare a simple breakfast, usually bagels with a glass of milk or coffee.

6:30 AM: Walk to the bus stop and get on the bus. Sleep for a blessed thirty minutes when I can further delude myself into thinking that all my life will be magical, and this is just a temporary setback.

7:45 AM: Walk into the office, clutching my coffee as if it is my only life-support system. In many ways, it is. Open Outlook and Word, start working on the day’s writing quota.

8:00 AM – 11:00 AM: Dick around on the Internet, waiting for work to hit my inbox.

11:15 AM: After my coworkers are roundly caught up on the events of reality television from the last day, I proceed to set to work.

11:30 AM: With my work for the day completed, I drink.

12:15 PM: Enjoy lunch, accompanied by whiskey.

1:00 PM: Stagger down to Starbucks for some espresso. Return to the office for my Bailey’s stash and toss in the espresso. Drink.

1:45 PM: Overhear marital issues. It’s not that I’m trying to eavesdrop; it’s that my coworkers shout everything. Inside voices are a dead concept. I drink some more.

2:30 PM: Gaze out the window for a while, contemplating at what point society turned for the worse.

2:45 PM: Harass people in the office for minor grammatical slip-ups.

3:15 – 4:00 PM: Send out more dickish e-mails. Drink more whiskey.

4:15 PM: Leave the office, get on the bus, return home, and play video games into the night.

Is that what you were looking for, Coach?

From: Robert Smithy

Sent: Friday, August 15, 2011 8:58 AM

To: Aaron Simon

Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Greetings from your health coach

Hy,

Were gonna reassign u a different coach. Great working with you and i wish u all the best

Robert smithy

Health Coach