Missing Shoulder Bag

From: Elaina Slusher
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2011 08:35 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: missing shoulder bag

If you find a purple shoulder bag anywhere, please let me know. I took it off sometime yesterday, and haven’t been able to find it. It’s from Guatemala and is one of a kind. It was made by a village elder when I was visiting there on my vacay around South America.   Thx. Elaina

Elaina Shlusher, BSW; MS

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2011 09:00 AM
To: Elaina Slusher
Subject: RE: missing shoulder bag

Elaina:

Sorry to hear about your loss. Judging by the efficiency by which this place runs, you probably won’t be seeing it again.

Good news, though. I have come into recent possession of a purple shoulder bag from Guatemala and would be willing to part with it—for a price, you see. It’s one of a kind. I’ve been told that it was made as a Western schmuck.

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Guy

From: Elaina Slusher
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2011 09:10 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: missing shoulder bag

Please give my bag back. It means a lot to me.

Elaina Slusher, BSW; MS

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2011 09:11 AM
To: Elaina Slusher
Subject: RE: RE: RE: missing shoulder bag

How hurtful, you thinking I stole it. I clearly stated that I came into possession of a shoulder bag—though it matches your description of your bag, if I had stolen it, I would have said something along the lines of:

I stole your bag and am holding it for ransom lol

However, as I did not say the above, then clearly I did not steal it.

If you’re not interested in the purple shoulder bag from Guatemala, I happen to have a green shoulder bag from Peru. It is made from the fur of retired pack llamas, who were killed after their owners realized that elderly llamas are no good to them alive. They live on—in memory and in shoulder bag.

The purple bag, I’ll sell to you for $300

The green one, for $250.

Those are discount prices, of course. Wouldn’t want to gouge a fellow employee of this fine agency.

Aaron Simon, BA, MA

Enrollment Coordination Dude

My Mom Has MS and I Don’t Appreciate You Mocking It.

From: Elaina Slusher
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2011 09:20AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE:missing shoulder bag

I’m not paying you three hundred dollars for my Guatemalan shoulder bag. I was given it because I helped brace the village against a deadly flood, due to its proximity to a raging river. It was featured on NPR, if you listen to it.

Please return the Guatemalan bag.

Elaina Slusher BSW, MS

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2011 09:21 AM
To: Elaina Slusher
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: missing shoulder bag

You’re not paying three hundred dollars for your shoulder bag; you’re paying three hundred dollars for a shoulder bag I procured from a traveling band of Guatemalans while I studied in Canterbury.

If you’re not interested in shoulder bags, then I’d appreciate if you stopped dicking around. I have several people willing to pay $700 for this shoulder bag, not to mention the other one.

I do have other items of interest, though:

A clay tablet from an Assyrian ruin: It depicts a battle of one emperor or another. Very pretty. Would make a nice mantelpiece. $1,500

Limestone chipped from The Pyramid of Giza: This was incredibly hard to procure. After a long voyage, it may appear chipped, but I assure you that, with a little work, it would make a fine coaster. $7,000

The head of a mummy, looted from a tomb in Mexico: Yes, it would appear that Aztecs mummified certain people. Would make for an interesting prop in a Hamlet production. $5,000

One of Sarkozy’s teeth: While I stayed in France last winter, I happened to cross paths with the French President. $2.

Original manuscript of Don Quixote: The world’s classic and, some say, the first novel. $70,000.

A piece of the true cross: I’ve never actually touched this as, due to my religious beliefs, if I were to touch it, I’d burst into flames. However, I have it from a very reputable source that it is authentic. $250,000.

Do let me know if any of these catch your fancy. The manuscript is going to Sothesby’s in a week and a half if it’s not bought before then.

Also, I’d prefer to be paid in cash. Unmarked bills, of course.

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Dude

I Have Connections

From: Elaina Slusher
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2011 09:30 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:missing shoulder bag

If you have my shoulder bag, please give it back. If not, don’t e-mail me again.

Elaina Slusher BSW, MS

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2011 09:51 AM
To: Elaina Slusher
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: missing shoulder bag

I don’t understand the hostility. Here I am, trying to better your assuredly already-impressive collection of oddities and antiquities, and you spit in my face.

I’m just a guy trying to pay off student loans, okay? Just like you—or, rather, you when you weren’t a decrepit, paranoid shell of a human being. If I were this so-called “village elder,” who was most assuredly nothing but the town fool, I would have spat in your face rather than entrust the safety and security of my home to your hands.

Aaron Simon

Dealer

Loki Impersonator

From: Elaina Slusher
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2011 10:15 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: missing shoulder bag

Fuck off.

Elaina Slusher BSW, MS

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2011 10:20 AM
To: Elaina Slusher
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:missing shoulder bag

No! That’s when you’re supposed to say, “It belongs in a museum!”

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Guy

P.S. So do you!

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, August 10, 2011 10:23 AM
To: Elaina Slusher
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE:missing shoulder bag

Nothing? Fine.

How odd that it should end this way for us after so many stimulating encounters. I almost regret it. Where shall I find a new adversary so close to my own level?

Aaron Simon

Belloq Wannabe

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