The Package

From:                         Siobhan Connor
Sent:                        Thursday, June 16, 2011 8:00AM
To:                        _EVERYONE
Subject:            Puzzled

Someone left a small box with brown wrapping paper tied up with twine and a printed notecard with “for Siobhan” on it.

If you did this, please let me know. Ha ha. It is very funny.

Come to my office. Now. And we’ll have a chat.

 

 

Siobhan Connor

Fiscal Administrative Specialist

No animals were harmed in the sending of this message—unless you forward it along without the express, written, and recorded permission of the sender of the message—however, a great number of electronics were greatly inconvenienced. (This makes sense because we are running a bunch of dinosaur machines without the basic ability to process e-mails with attachments without slowing them down.)

From:              Aaron Simon
Sent:               Thursday, June 16, 2011 8:01AM
To:                   Siobhan Connor
Subject:            RE: Puzzled

Did you complete the project? I’m interested in knowing.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Loki Impersonator, Anonymous Representative

From:              Aaron Simon
Sent:               Monday, June 21, 2011 8:43 AM
To:                   Siobhan Connor
Subject:            RE: RE: Puzzled

I can’t help but notice that you never responded, Siobhan.

That’s not the best etiquette.

Did you complete the project? It’s of the utmost importance.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Loki Impersonator, Anonymous Representative

This e-mail has not been scanned for viruses in any way. You probably have dozens of pieces of malware on your machine now.

From:              Siobhan Connor
Sent:               Monday, June 21, 2011 8:52 AM
To:                   Aaron Simon
Subject:            RE: RE: RE: Puzzled

I did not complete the project. It was a jigsaw puzzle featuring a clown. That was a waste of time. Did you put it in my box? If so, just say you did. I don’t want to take it before HR, because there is nothing to take before HR. I just want to know who did it. I spent several hours on Thursday and Friday trying to figure out who left it in my box.

Siobhan Connor

Fiscal Administrative Specialist

No animals were harmed in the sending of this message—unless you forward it along without the express, written, and recorded permission of the sender of the message—however, a great number of electronics were greatly inconvenienced. (This makes sense because we are running a bunch of dinosaur machines without the basic ability to process e-mails with attachments without slowing them down.)

From:              Aaron Simon
Sent:               Monday, June 21, 2011 9:13 AM
To:                   Siobhan Connor
Subject:            RE: RE: RE: RE: Puzzled

Oh, I pity you sometimes, do you know that? To be so caught up on appearances—covers, facades, if you will—that you miss what is going on inside something; that is no way to live.

The “project” inside the box was something amazing. World-changing, even. If you had completed it, well, I believe that your life would have changed for the better. Your life and every one over there in the Administrative area.

Regretfully yours,

Aaron Simon
We Are Legion. We Are Anonymous

This e-mail has not been scanned for viruses in any way. You probably have dozens of pieces of malware on your machine now.

From:              Siobhan Connor
Sent:               Monday, June 21, 2011 9:21 AM
To:                   Aaron Simon
Subject:            RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Puzzled

So this means you put the project in my box.

Siobhan Connor

Fiscal Administrative Specialist

No animals were harmed in the sending of this message—unless you forward it along without the express, written, and recorded permission of the sender of the message—however, a great number of electronics were greatly inconvenienced. (This makes sense because we are running a bunch of dinosaur machines without the basic ability to process e-mails with attachments without slowing them down.)

From:              Aaron Simon
Sent:               Monday, June 21, 2011 9:22 AM
To:                   Siobhan Connor
Subject:            RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Puzzled

Not quite. That just means that I was aware of the contents of the package in your box.

You’re not a very curious person, are you? If you were, you would have opened the contents of the box.

Tell me: If Pandora had not opened the box, where would we be today? Surely, a much less interesting place. Don’t you agree?

Curiously yours,

Aaron Simon
Enrolment Guy; LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

This e-mail has not been scanned for viruses in any way. You probably have dozens of pieces of malware on your machine now.

From:              James Gottfried
Sent:               Monday, June 21, 2011 10:12 AM
To:                   Aaron Simon
Subject:            Your e-mails
Attachment:             noticeoftermination.doc

Aaron, for the love of God, stop harassing people without senses of humor. Siobhan’s in my office – right now – demanding your head on a pike.

Literally. She wants you dead. You know she hates people in her space. Apologize to her or I’ll have to sign the .doc up there and—you know the routine.

Shit, she can yell.

-James Gottfried

Executive Director

From:              Aaron Simon
Sent:               Monday, June 21, 2011 10:15 AM
To:                   Siobhan Connor
Subject:            Apologies

I did not put the box in your box. I do not know what was in the box. Please don’t have me killed.

This is me apologizing for my actions. This is about as sorry as I can be.

-Aaron Simon

Definitely Not A Member of Anonymous

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