In case you’ve been completely caught up in Anthony Weiner’s debacle, you might not have been paying attention to Sarah Palin’s latest evidence of a martyr complex.
She’s been rolling around in a bus and learning “history.” I put history in quotes because I’m not sure she realizes what history is, since it has to do with a lot of facts. (Also, I should have put learning in quotes, because I’m not entirely certain that she knows how to learn.)
If you heard Palin’s account and no one else’s, then her blinking, gaping rant about how Paul Revere was riding around the colonies to tell people that the British weren’t going to take our arms.
Aside from the fact that Revere’s ride was a) warning people about the impending march of the British Army and b) largely beefed up and lied about by Washington Irving, this whole situation is worrying because Palin seems to think that the reporter was an agent of the sinister Shout-Out Gotcha Question Media.
After spending a lot of time losing enough IQ points to understand what she was talking about with her gibberish, I understood that she seemed to believe that reporters were coming out of the woodwork to catch her unprepared and make her seem stupid.
Okay, fair enough. But:
- She was asked the question while in a huddled mass of admirers and reporters. It’s highly unlikely that she didn’t think there would be questions. Although, this is Palin, so she might have thought all of the questions would have been “Why are you so damn good at what you do?” or “Why do people make a big deal of the fact that you didn’t finish one term as governor?”
- It wasn’t a “gotcha” (in human-speak, this translates to “difficult to answer”) question. The reporter asked her what she’d seen that day. That’s it. It’s like asking a child what they did at school. She could have said “I saw trees” and it would have been a correct answer. Instead, she tried to buddy up to her already-sycophantic Tea Party base with an incomprehensible answer to an easy, simple question.
So, Sarah, I’m going to help you out. I’m going to try and tell you what situations would qualify as “gotcha” situations and questions, because you seem to have severe difficulties in understanding the term you made up for yourself.
Situation the First: So You’re Plummeting from the Sky while Fighting Your Nemesis
This is a rough situation you’re in, Sarah. How did you and The Embodiment of the Liberal Media start plummeting from the sky in the first place? Well, no matter, you’re in this situation, and you have to deal with fighting the Liberal Media as it tries to pull you down to its le–
Look, over to the East, what’s that flying towards you at rapid speeds? Dear Lord, it’s a reporter! What’s he shouting? Let’s listen!
“Was America just in nuking Japan to end World War II? Should the nation have pressed on in conventional warfare, thus saving ourselves the shame of obliterating hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, or was this a necessary move?”
Wow, Sarah, that is one gotcha question right there. Good thing you can punch and think at the same time. Don’t forget to pull the tab for your parachute!
Situation the Second: So You’re Stuck in a Shark Cage
Wow, how’d you get stuck down in the watery depths like that? No matter. It’s a good thing you’re part of a Federally-funded scientific research expedition, otherwise that shark cage you’re in might have been cheaply made in order to save on costs!
It’s always calming, the gentle current of the sea, isn’t it? Something about it is just soothing. All the cares of the day get washed away as various forms of animal life float by you, secure in their existence without a care in the world. Almost makes you want to build a Bond villain-esque underwater lair and–
It’s cool. Don’t freak, Sarah. It’s cool. Be like the Fonz. You’re not made of chum, he’s not going to come at you that hard. He’s just interested. Yes, sharks slamming up against a cage is how they express interest.
Now, simply pull on the surface cord and–
Another reporter. And he’s riding the shark.
“How do you respond to critics who say that the American government has no right to take a humanitarian stance while supporting the Israeli regime, not properly responding to the nation’s past history of genocide, and inaction in Darfur?”
Good luck, Sarah. That’s what you sign up for when you’re in politics.
Situation the Third: So You’re Back in Time and Stuck in Waterloo
Wow. Man, Sarah, I’d vote for you now. You’ve seemingly mastered time travel. Still need some work on accuracy when it comes to where to go, but I guess that’s where the “development” comes in when it comes to “research and development.”
Now, all you have to do is get off the battlefield.
Step lightly over the corpses–yes, I know, there are a lot of them. War is hell, is it not? And it’s not like it’s a good argument. War does not determine who is right, only who is left, am I right?
Woah, nice job dodging that cavalry charge. You’re awfully lithe, you know that? Ever think about going into gymnastics instead of politics?
Damn. Another reporter.
“How can anyone support a National Guard so closely tied to the President’s administration, especially when one considers the ease with which the Guard may turn into a tool for the President’s policy, i.e. Nixon and Kent State University? How would you ensure that such a thing never happens again, thus protecting the right to protest?”
Eek. Tough question.
Have fun with that, lady.
Situation the Fourth: So You’ve Been Accused of Witchcraft While In Salem
Still stuck in the past, huh, Sarah? That’s rough. This may be even more of a pickle than Waterloo. Especially when you consider you’re stuck in a situation that can easily lead to being like that woman over there.
Well, you’re kind of shafted here. They’re not going to listen to reason, and your sudden appearance in the middle of Salem sure has led to them having just a bit of credence to their argument.
Frankly, I’ve got nothing to offer. Perhaps that fellow with the press card over there can help you.
“How can you support not raising taxes while at the same time claiming that simply not spending money will reduce the debt? Should we not raise taxes, while also cutting loopholes in the tax code to pay off more of the debt?”
Ah, nope. Not interested in helping you at all.
Situation the Fifth: So You’re Tripping Balls
Should the walls be melting like that? Nope. No they should not.
And, most definitely, the sky should not have a zipper, and two giant pairs of hands should not be moving towards that zipper as if to unzip it.
Although, perhaps they’re God’s hands, and you’ll see the Lord sooner than you ever thought you would. Wouldn’t that be nice?
“With the slowing economy,” comes a voice out of nowhere–oh, it’s another reporter, and he’s emerging from the zipper as if the sky is giving birth to him, “shouldn’t the government–as the most stable entity in the country–be the one responsible for driving innovation through scientific grants and nation-wide infrastructure innovations, i.e. the highway interstate system, or alternative energy investments?”
Don’t–no, please don’t answer him. You–you’re answering him. Damn it. And you’re ranting about lizards crawling out of his mouth. Oh well.
Situation the Sixth: So You’ve Been Buried in a Coffin in Somalia
It sure is dark down here. Dark and cramped. Of course, one would expect that coffins are dark and cramped. It’s not like they’re roomy penthouses in Manhattan, and they sure as hell don’t have electricity.
Overhead, you hear the sub-aural thumps of artillery shells, explosions, and gunfire. Also, there might be pickup trucks zooming around blaring K’naan and Dr. Dre, but we can’t be sure of that right now. However, we might be safe in assuming that you’re in Somalia, judging by the emblem emblazoned on the back of the coffin lid. Yet another odd situation. However do you work yourself into these things, Sarah?
But what’s that? Yes, in your pocket. Is that… It’s a cell phone! Thank God, you can talk on a cell phone! And you’re getting a signal!
Now, simply make a phone call and–woah, you’re getting a call. Better answer that. It might be a clue as to how to get out of here!
“Ms. Palin,” oh dear God, it’s Brian Williams, “Why do yo–” hang up! Good. That was going to be a question.
Now–oh, another call.
“What is your name?” That’s… I know that voice.
“What… is your quest?” Where… where do I know it from?
“What is your favorite color?”
DON’T ANSWER THE QUESTION! DON’T ANSWER THE QUESTION!