From: Tasha Banks
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 9:45 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: Words smallest violin

Hi everybody

The funniest thing happened this morning. Tucker (tyou know my son) was whining about not havin his homework done tryin to get me to do it for him,  is aid that I didn’t have time since I was about to have to take him to day care and that he shouldn’t have stayed up all night playin video games! Then he said ‘you told me I could’ and I said nothing, just played the worlds smallest violin!

LOL 😉

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 10:00 AM
To: Tasha Banks; _EVERYONE
Subject: RE: Words smallest violin

Wow.

That was the most meaningful commentary on lackluster parenting I’ve read since reading the unnecessary backlash against The Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother. I didn’t know that you were capable of such a scathing indictment of both our education system, and the seeming inability of the modern American parent to deal with their child’s incessant demands for artificial stimulation. (I know, that sounded, ah, not right; but it wasn’t meant to be that way.)

I know when I was a kid, and my parents found out that I didn’t do my homework because I was up all night playing video games, they shouted at me, told me that I was a disappointment to everyone who fought and died for our country so I could have the freedom to live without working in a factory, then, if that didn’t reduce me to tears, they threatened to beat me with a length of rubber hose in time to “Seek and Destroy,” which is a very fast song if you didn’t know. I’d thought that sort of mentality was nonexistent here in the Southeast, where education is seen as a liberal elite thing, to be only partaken of in the coasts. Good to see I’ve been proven wrong.

I’m not certain why the violin is seen as a sad-sounding instrument, are you? I mean, really, one only needs to watch this video and understand the sublime nature of what can be accomplished with the instrument.

Regards,
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist, Graphic Designer

From: Tasha Gordon
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 10:11 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Words smallest violin

What are you talking about? I don’t know what that book is what does a tiger have to do with being a parent? Are you calling me a bad parent? My son is very smart he thinks school is boring and leanrs more history from video games than they teach in school like how there was a plaot to kill JFK and Castro and it was organized by a secret organization.

If you had problems with your parents I don’t know what youre doing talking to me about it and are you saying im not educated? I went to Macon County Community College probably better than wherever you went at least I managed to get out of the house LOL

What was that video? It was boring if I wanted to see a bunch of people spazzing out id go somewhere where people spaz out all the time. That wasn’t even music music is the new lady gaga single. You should check it out and learn something about music.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 10:18 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Words smallest violin

Oh, you! On the first read-through of your e-mail, I was certain that you were – truly – an example of the sort of sub-human mental snail that inhabits this region in such massive numbers. Then, I read it again and realized that no one would actually believe Call of Duty: Black Ops is a history lesson, much less worth the extortionate amount of money people pay for it. I suppose next you would’ve said that the Bible is the only book we need to read! Oh, how I chortled.

A long time ago, I had problems with my parents. The problems usually stemmed from my inability to touch another human being without flashing back to my father, clutching a green rubber hose, and the incessant thumping of the speaker system blaring Metallica. The amount of interpersonal relationships that were shattered up until I was eighteen because of this were staggering, but I eventually came to the realization that it was all for the best. Humans are a filthy species, and it’s for the best that I don’t touch them. And as for the beatings, well, I have a fantastic tolerance to pain, so that’s always good.

I nearly wet myself in laughter at your mention of Macon Community College. Isn’t that the place where the Dean of Students was arrested for running a cock fighting ring with the English faculty? I know that UT isn’t the best of schools, and Kent is little more than a three year party factory, but still, both of those universities are better than a cock fighting academy. I’m sure you were the wittiest member of your honors society at whichever Ivy League you went to.

And the violin comment, oy, I almost plotzed. The satire of the taste of the common man was, for lack of a better word, delicious! To compare a timeless classic like Vivaldi’s Four Seasons Suite with Lady Gaga, the circus entertainer-turned-freak is downright Mark Twain of you.

Best,
Aaron Simon
Wordsmith, Enrollment Coordination Specialist

From: Tasha Gordon
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 10:47 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Words smallest violin

I know who you are youre that psycho who had Steve arrested by the FBI for fraud, aren’t you? Youre the reason the condo association wont turn our power on before nine and turns it off before five.

I went to MCCC jerk and it is the best school in the country there was no cock fighting ring I don’t know anything about that I was in kappa kappa omicron pi and we were the best and I had the best grades out of everyone. I don’t care if you went to oxford or some super school youre still a weird freak who needs to get out more instead of hanging around writing emaols to people who don’t read them.

Don’t ever talk to me about how to raize my son or ill get ted in HR on you.

I don’t listen to faggy music and you do so that means I have better music you idiot.

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 11:15 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Tasha Gordon

Hi Aaron,

You might want to leave off making fun of Ms. Gordon. She’s screaming about how you do nothing all day. I know that’s not true, and that she really doesn’t do much except talk about her kids, schedule one or two things, and then talk about her kids in the course of a day, but, please, leave her alone. It’s starting to have a negative effect on the workplace.

Regards,

Ted Heyward
Director of Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 11:51 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Words smallest violin

Hi Tasha,

Sorry for the delay in e-mailing you back. I had work to do and couldn’t spend my time sending out e-mails about funny things my kids said that morning. Of course, I don’t have children – probably for the best – so it would be more like: Funny things my dog pooped this morning.

KKOP, huh? Never heard of that sorority. Was that just an amalgamation of you and your friends, who initially called yourselves Kappa Kappa Kappa, but got death threats from the African-American societies on campus?

While I don’t think I’d tell you how to raze your son, I should probably advise you against doing so. It’s not that I’m trying to brag, but more because I feel like I’m required by basic human decency to tell you that you probably shouldn’t destroy your own offspring. Unless they’re like Oedipus, that is. You probably don’t want to see your husband murdered at an intersection, only for you to become queen and then have your son gouge his eyes out. If that’s the case, I think the courts would agree that you should raze your son, and, possibly, your house just to be thorough.

You should learn to play the violin. It’s calming, or so I’ve heard. I only play the guitar, and even then, I only learn how to play songs by The Misfits, as they’re cacophonous and make neighbors stop trying to talk to me.

Best,
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Specialist Coordinator, Loki Impersonator

P.S. The Steve Incident was unfortunate, and should probably never be mentioned again. Especially as they discovered the cache of depraved pornography on his computer.

From: Tasha Gordon
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 11:55 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Words smallest violin

Im having IT block you from my address book

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 11:57 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Words smallest violin

So does that mean you’re not going to learn the violin?