Missing The Point: St Patrick’s Day

Hooray, Stereotype Day!

From: Tina Jones
Sent: Thursday, March 17, 2011 8:55 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: St Patrick’s Day!!!

Top o’ the mornin’ to y’all,

Just wanted to let you know today is your lucky day because:

1. If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, you’re lucky enough………and
2. Everyone’s Irish on St Patrick’s Day!

May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!

Tina Jones
Blog-Watcher and Forwarder

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, March 17, 2011 9:03 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: RE: St Patrick’s Day!!!

Tina,

I know. I’m so excited because, today of all days, my Irishness is upped from ¼ to 1/1. That’s a pretty big increase. Just erases the Heeb right out of me.

To celebrate this yearly occasion, the one day I’m considered saved by the Roman Catholic Church, I get blackout drunk on Irish whiskey. Today is no different. I have in my desk three bottles of Jameson Irish Whiskey. I had intended on drinking them all by myself – one per hour – but because I was reminded that today, of all days, everyone’s Irish (in some genetic anomaly shared by the human race), I’ve decided to share them.

Shots begin in ten minutes. We’ll be playing a drinking game I like to refer to as “The Pogue Mahone.” Essentially, I’ll have several albums by The Pogues playing on repeat. Every time Shane McGowan is indecipherable, we drink.

Slainte,

Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist, Drunk

From: Tina Jones
Sent: Thursday, March 17, 2011 9:20 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: RE: RE: St Patrick’s Day!!!

LOL

No one’s drinking, you joker.

What’s slaint?

Top a the mornin, everyone!

Tina Jones
Blog-Watcher, Forwarder

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Missing The Point: The World’s Smallest Violin

From: Tasha Banks
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 9:45 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: Words smallest violin

Hi everybody

The funniest thing happened this morning. Tucker (tyou know my son) was whining about not havin his homework done tryin to get me to do it for him,  is aid that I didn’t have time since I was about to have to take him to day care and that he shouldn’t have stayed up all night playin video games! Then he said ‘you told me I could’ and I said nothing, just played the worlds smallest violin!

LOL 😉

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 10:00 AM
To: Tasha Banks; _EVERYONE
Subject: RE: Words smallest violin

Wow.

That was the most meaningful commentary on lackluster parenting I’ve read since reading the unnecessary backlash against The Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother. I didn’t know that you were capable of such a scathing indictment of both our education system, and the seeming inability of the modern American parent to deal with their child’s incessant demands for artificial stimulation. (I know, that sounded, ah, not right; but it wasn’t meant to be that way.)

I know when I was a kid, and my parents found out that I didn’t do my homework because I was up all night playing video games, they shouted at me, told me that I was a disappointment to everyone who fought and died for our country so I could have the freedom to live without working in a factory, then, if that didn’t reduce me to tears, they threatened to beat me with a length of rubber hose in time to “Seek and Destroy,” which is a very fast song if you didn’t know. I’d thought that sort of mentality was nonexistent here in the Southeast, where education is seen as a liberal elite thing, to be only partaken of in the coasts. Good to see I’ve been proven wrong.

I’m not certain why the violin is seen as a sad-sounding instrument, are you? I mean, really, one only needs to watch this video and understand the sublime nature of what can be accomplished with the instrument.

Regards,
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist, Graphic Designer

From: Tasha Gordon
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 10:11 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Words smallest violin

What are you talking about? I don’t know what that book is what does a tiger have to do with being a parent? Are you calling me a bad parent? My son is very smart he thinks school is boring and leanrs more history from video games than they teach in school like how there was a plaot to kill JFK and Castro and it was organized by a secret organization.

If you had problems with your parents I don’t know what youre doing talking to me about it and are you saying im not educated? I went to Macon County Community College probably better than wherever you went at least I managed to get out of the house LOL

What was that video? It was boring if I wanted to see a bunch of people spazzing out id go somewhere where people spaz out all the time. That wasn’t even music music is the new lady gaga single. You should check it out and learn something about music.

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Missing the Point – The Clauses

Because my office has a few people who have the senses of humor of people who say, “Looks like someone’s got a case of the Mondays!” I tend to spend a lot of time really bummed out by the things they say.

Most of the time, this results in a diatribe that can be summed up to: “I have a better sense of humor than you do, because I’m a Published Author.”

Other times, their senses of humor provoke the following. (Names and places have been changed, since I’m spineless.)

The Original E-mail

Greetings to all you wonderful, good-hearted people at [redacted],

As you will recall, last Christmas and the Christmas before you were all so helpful in getting Ted “elf-abetized” by generously giving to certain charities assigned to him by the jolly old man himself. This year, Elf Ted is being elf-indulgent and taking a break (personally, I think Santa is putting him on a required leave of absence because he was about to lose it. I hear he’s been taking aim at the reindeer with his Red Rider BB gun and doing wheelies down the aisles of the toy shop and running over the other elves.)

Anyway, this has given me the perfect opportunity to step in and ask for your assistance this year. I have a slightly shameful secret to tell you. My name is Ms. Claus, NOT Mrs. Claus. That’s right, Santa & I are not married. Now don’t get the wrong idea, we do have separate bedrooms. What kind of girl do you think I am? The fat old man is a commitment-phobe, but after hundreds of years of therapy, including a long stint with Dr. Phil, plus a threat of a tell-all book and an appearance on Oprah, Santa has finally agreed to take the plunge and make an honest woman out of me. (I was beginning to wonder if the stories about him and the elves were true). But before we get married, Santa is requiring that I take on an assignment of collecting donations for two of his favorite charities. The first one is called Heifer International. This charity works to give those in need a hand up, not just a hand out, by providing them livestock, seeds or training to improve their lives in sustainable ways. The other charity is United Cerbral Palsy of Middle TN,  which I understand is a referral often used by your organization and provides assistance to countless local residents. For more information on Heifer International go to http://www.heifer.org/site/c.edJRKQNiFiG/b.183217/#; for information on United Cerebral Palsy, go to http://www.ucpnashville.org.

I have until December 21st to collect at least $100.00 for these 2 charities, or I can kiss that walk down the aisle good-bye, at least for this year.  If I can collect over $150.00 there will be a special surprise for all of you. Please help an old lady finally have someone to snuggle up with on those cold North Pole nights and donate.   Dana Katz and Mercury Davis (on the 6th floor) have kindly agreed to collect your donations.

Thank you for your previous generosity and for the generosity I know you will show this year as well.

Merry Christmas to all,

Mary Claus
North Pole
1-555-Santa-Claus
Santa@NorthPole.org

My Response

Dear Dana,

I took the time out of my very busy, one might say obscenely busy, schedule to read your e-mail that you’ve forwarded from Ms. Claus.

After getting over the severe depression that followed from hearing of her divorce – and after Heather Nash and Rayetta Dixon consoled me by giving me a lollipop – I decided that I’d make things easier for Ms. Claus and send my donation directly to her.

I sent an e-mail to the one listed at the bottom of her helpful email, enquiring as to whether or not Western Union had a branch in the North Pole, but found that the mail server bounced my message back to me. “That’s odd,” I thought. I e-mailed my supervisor to tell her that I had some business to take care of and would be unreachable by e-mail until it was completed.

“Whatever,” she responded.

Then, I called the phone number listed and found that, not only was the number too long for the switchboard to handle, but that the North Pole in fact had an American country code.

As I’m sure you know, each country in the world has its own telephone country code. Even ones that only have one phone per entire population. Such as Lithuania.

After thinking about this for a while, I came to the conclusion that you are the recipient of a scam on par with the Nigerian prince e-mails. (I know, I only found out about them being a scam last week. I sure hope Prince William Hurtzel will honor his commitment and that he is not one of the scammers.)

I sincerely hope that you’ll send out a message soon stating that no one should donate to this fund, as Ms. Clause does not exist.

Best,

Aaron Simon, BA, MA, Phi Beta Kappa, Alpha Epsilon Pi, Sigma Alpha Lambda

Enrollment Coordination Specialist, graphic designer