Because I compulsively write, I churned out the sequel to The Attack of The Weretimberwolf-Hybrid in a few days.

It is a simple story: In the wake of the Weretimberwolf-Hybrid’s release into the United States, the beast has begun killing everyone in sight. Faced with failure, General Falcon has committed suicide and 5-Star General Hawker has gone insane.

The case was turned over to a special NATO tribunal made up of two mysterious generals named Penguin and Pelican, who convince Hawk to unleash another secret weapon: The Vampire Corps. But can the blood suckers be trusted?

This, of course, falls under the realm of stuff I’d really like to make.

FADE IN:

MONTAGE – THE WERETIMBERWOLF-HYBRID ATTACKS

A) The Weretimberwolf-Hybrid attacks a jogger in a large city park.

B) Outside of a synagogue, the Weretimberwolf-Hybrid attacks a group of Hasidim.

C) A crowd flees outside of a mall. The Weretimberwolf-Hybrid runs after them and leaps at the camera.

D) The Weretimberwolf-Hybrid BURSTS into a strip club and proceeds to… do its thing.

E) A hand-held home video of a The Weretimberwolf-Hybrid feasts upon the corpse of a teenager in a high school parking lot. It looks up and GROWLS at the camera before leaping at it.

EXT. IMPORTANT-LOOKING BUILDING – DAY             (present)

A twelve-story plate-glass building that, except for the banner hanging from a window, looks like an office building. People walk from parked cars and go into the entrance. The banner reads:

WAR ROOMS FOR SALE

TITLE, which reads:

Inside a not-so-secret government war room

INT. WAR ROOM – DAY                                  (SAME)

The interior of a kitchen. Three men are seated in plastic chairs around a white table. A Risk map is posted up on the wall. Above it is a strip of paper which reads NATO WAR ROOM TWO.

Next to that is a dry-erase board

which reads:

WAR COUNCIL POT LUCK, JULY 12TH 12:00 HOURS

The three men are: Operative PENGUIN, 40, in the center. He is a tall man, ridiculously British. He wears a Field Marshal Montgomery mustache, a sideways maroon beret, and holds a horse whip.

Ultra-Secret General HAWK, 29, the same man from The Attack of The Weretimberwolf-Hybrid, sits on the right side of the table.

Super-Secret General PELICAN, 35, a tall thin Frenchman in a black-and-white sweater and black beret, holding a long cigarette and a baguette, sits across the table from Hawk.

Penguin stands up from the table and stares at the other generals.

PENGUIN
Tally-ho gents, what what.

PELICAN
Oui, monsieur. Sacré bleu.

HAWK
What’s going on?

Penguin SMACKS the table with his fist.

PENGUIN
Damn it, Hawk, don’t you know that after the Weretimberwolf-Hybrid was killed, but wasn’t and in fact regenerated, that Falcon killed himself and Hawker was committed to an insane asylum?

CUT TO:

INT. PADDED ROOM – DAY                      (TWO MONTHS AGO)

The room is a white, padded. No furniture, a small, iron-barred window set in the back.

Hawker, in a straight jacket, hair a mess, rocks back and forth in the middle of the room.

HAWKER
Ball! Yay!

He continues to rock.

back to scene

INT. WAR ROOM – SAME

Pelican JABBERS in French.

HAWK
No, I hadn’t heard. That is quite shocking.

Penguin walks to the window and looks out, dramatically.

PENGUIN
Well, yes. He was quite mad, you know. Bloody obvious from the way he kept having arguments with mockingbirds. What, what?

Pelican JABBERS in French. He POUNDS the table with his fist.

Hawk cocks his head to the side.

HAWK
I still don’t know what’s going on.

PENGUIN
Right-oh, I’ll explain it, shall I? Bloody like you Yanks to not know what’s going on.

HAWK
This is insane. Utterly, utterly insane. What the fuck is going on?

PENGUIN
I am eating a sandwich and Pelican there, the French bugger, is holding a baguette.

HAWK
I mean–

Pelican JABBERS in French again. He SMACKS the table, walks to the map, SMACKS the map á la Hawker, walks back to the table, SMACKS the table, and JABBERS some more. After finishing, he BITES part of the baguette.

Hawk looks back and forth between Penguin and Pelican.

HAWK
Should I just leave now, or…?

PENGUIN
(to Hawk, under his breath)
No, I can’t understand him either. Bloody foreigners, thinking that their language is superior to English, eh? What, what?

HAWK
(to the camera)
If you are watching this, please reach through your screen and save me.

Penguin nods.

PENGUIN
Right. Good cucumber sandwich that was. About time we get down to the briefing, eh?

Pelican JABBERS in French, his arms flail in the air. The baguette flies towards the camera.

PENGUIN
Didn’t understand a word you said, mate. Right.

Penguin leans against the wall and absently twirls the horse whip in the air.

PENGUIN (CONT’D)
You Yanks who unleashed The Weretimberwolf-Hybrid may have bitten off just a bit more than you might have been able to chew.

HAWK
Never insinuate that we bit off more than we can chew when we damn well bit off just as much as we could chew and nothing more.

PENGUIN
I think I’ve had just about enough of your macho posturing, Yank. We don’t do that in England. We go down to the pub. I think.

HAWK
Just because you’re an Operative, and for some reason, that means that you are ranked above me in this damn NATO organization–

PENGUIN
Do you know what I did to become an operative?

HAWK
No.

PENGUIN
Your mum.

Penguin grins manically.

Pelican SMACKS the table and briefly JABBERS in French.

PENGUIN
Well said. I guess. Right oh, here’s the problem then: We’ve got a nasty little bugger running around the United States and its up to us to kill it.

HAWK
I think we can take care of it, Penguin. We have American ingenuity, American pride, American will power, Am–

PENGUIN
All that counts for complete rot against the Weretimberwolf-Hybrid, and you bloody well know it. No, mate, it’s time for drastic measures.

Pelican JABBERS in French. A NAMELESS NATO PEON, 25, wearing a white shirt and black tie with blue slacks walks in and gives Pelican a baguette.

Pelican sucks on it as if it were a pacifier.

The peon walks out, then back in with a glass of red wine. He sets it on the table and walks back out.

PENGUIN
Right, that’s done, I guess.

HAWK
I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure what you’re suggesting here. If the combined might of the American Armed Forces can’t do anything, then what can?

PENGUIN
If you had been granted Operative level status, then you would know.

Penguin grins smugly.

HAWK
Well I wasn’t.

PENGUIN
Yes, and I’m reveling in it, you bloody Yank. Your President seems to think the military in his country is incapable of handling this threat. Ha. Right oh.

Penguin takes a laptop from his case, opens it on the table and turns it on.

PENGUIN (CONT’D)
The filmstrip you are about to watch was classified by the C.I.A. in the 60s. It is beyond top-secret, even for an Ultra-Secret General such as yourself.

HAWK
That’s impossible. Ultra-Secret is the highest classification there is.

PENGUIN
Afraid not, old chap. Just ask Super-Secret General Pelican here.

PELICAN
(in French, subtitled)
Yes, that’s true..

Pelican returns to eating the baguette and drinking wine.

PENGUIN
He’s a Super-Secret General, and, even then, the only time he’d be able to watch this video is between the hours of two and three a.m. on a Saturday.

HAWK
But why is it so super-duper secret?

PENGUIN
Come here and see.

Hawk walks around the table and watches.

HAWK’S P.O.V.

A black laptop screen, glass covered. A video program is open and the first frames of an old, black-and-white filmstrip are on the screen.

PENGUIN (O.S.)
Ready?

HAWK (O.S.)
Yep.

A mouse pointer moves on the white “play” icon and the film starts playing.

The C.I.A. icon jumps around on the screen as the first few bars of “The Star Spangled Banner” PLAY.

CUT TO:

1960s C.I.A. TRAINING VIDEO

INT. OVAL OFFICE – DAY                               1963

Daylight streams through the oval office windows. One man, clearly not Kennedy, sits with his feet props up on the iconic desk. He wears a black suit.

AGENT ALPHA, 39, hair trimmed, clean-shaven, giving off the air that he knows more than everyone else, slowly stands from the chair and CRACKS his knuckles.

AGENT ALPHA
Hello, fellow agent of the C.I.A. You may be wondering why the President is not addressing you in this filmstrip.

Agent Alpha grins.

AGENT alpha (cont’d)
Well, let’s just say that’s because he won’t be the President for much longer. But, enough of that.

He sits on the desk and straightens his tie.

AGENT ALPHA (CONT’D)
You’re watching this because you’re at the uppermost levels of secrecy in our organization. I don’t need to tell you that this does not leave your office.

He picks a pen off of the desk and twirls it with his fingers.

AGENT ALPHA (CONT’D)
The clips you are about to watch pertain to the greatest secret in our nation. Aliens, by comparison, are page eight news.

CUT TO:

LARGE MAP OF THE U.S. AND U.S.S.R.

AGENT ALPHA (V.O.)
As you well know, we are in a state of war against the U.S.S.R. However, as you don’t know, we have a secret weapon.

CUT TO:

INT. OVAL OFFICE – DAY                                 1963

Agent Alpha stares solemnly at the camera.

AGENT ALPHA
The Vampire Corps.

HAWK (O.S.)
What?

PENGUIN (O.S.)
Can it and watch.

Agent Alpha walks around the desk.

AGENT ALPHA
You see, back in Comrade Joe’s day, some of our boys on a little vacation outside of Warsaw found a surprise.

He pulls out a folder.

AGENT ALPHA (CONT’D)
You can read about that encounter in this folder, which should be in your possession.

PENGUIN (O.S.)
It was until a lad named Smythe-Smythington burned it after the Turkey friendly last week. Sorry about that.

AGENT ALPHA
What matters is that, as of now, the United States of America is the proud home of four honest-to-God vampires.

CUT TO:

EXT. COUNTRY MANSION -DAY                              1963

A massive three story home with a long driveway and trees lining it. The grounds are well-manicured and a flag flies in the center of the front yard.

AGENT ALPHA (V.O.)
This is the home of the Vampire Corps. It sits in the middle of the Catskills and is heavily guarded.

INT. DINING ROOM – SAME

The dining room is, for lack of a better word, decadent. It looks like something you’d expect to see in Buckingham Palace.

AGENT ALPHA (V.O.)
We’re shortly going to cut to the night so you can actually see our friends, by the way. But first, here’s a taste of what being undead can get you in the modern world.

INT. LIBRARY – NIGHT

Two very tall, thin men wearing black suits and capes are in a large library. Bookshelves stretch to the ceilings, filled with leather-bound books.

DAWID, 560, appears in mid-twenties sporting a pencil-thin mustache, reclines on a leather sofa reading Oscar Wilde.

JACEK, 472, also appearing to be in his mid-twenties, has a goatee and sits in a recliner reading a volume of Shakespeare.

AGENT ALPHA (V.O.)
And here are two of our friends. As you can see, they live a pretty decent life. Certainly puts an office job to shame.

Jacek looks up at the camera and waves.

INT. RECREATION ROOM – SAME

The room is spacious, set up with weights, pool tables, ping pong, and a few exercise bikes. Off in one corner, a radio and a record player sit on top of a long table. Two people are at one of the pool tables.

JADWIGA, 400, tall, thin, and very attractive appears to be in her early twenties, lines up a shot. She wears a 60s style floral dress and is made up to look like she should be on a sitcom from that era.

MAREK, 900, the only muscular one of the bunch, appears to be in his fifties, leans up against a wall and glares at the camera.

AGENT ALPHA (V.O.)
And here are the other two members of our organization. As you can tell, they’re an active bunch, but we keep them in line.

Marek moves towards the table to take a shot.

INT. OVAL OFFICE – DAY                                  1963

Agent Alpha sits back in the chair behind the President’s desk. As he speaks, he absently flicks the American flag at his side.

AGENT ALPHA
Right, I think that serves as an introduction for you. There is a dossier about each of our vampires along with this video.

PENGUIN (O.S.)
Also burned by Smythe-Smythington. Sorry.

AGENT ALPHA
In case you haven’t figured it out by now, you’re watching this because you’ve been chosen as our representative to these blood suckers.

HAWK (O.S.)
Er.

AGENT ALPHA
Probably because you’ve read Dracula or something in the past. So. Good luck with them, and don’t show up with any bleeding cuts.

The video stops suddenly with Agent Alpha reclining in the chair.

CUT TO:

INT. WAR ROOM – DAY                                (PRESENT)

Hawk cracks his back.

Penguin closes the laptop and places it back in its sleeve.

Pelican JABBERS in French, bites at the baguette.

PENGUIN
Well there you have it, Yank.

HAWK
How were they videotaped? I thought vampires couldn’t be photographed or something.

PENGUIN
Don’t ask stupid questions. Anyway, that is the origin of the West’s greatest secret.

HAWK
I thought that would have been the Weretimberwolf-Hybrid.

PENGUIN
Unlikely that it’s a secret, going around killing people left and right, isn’t it?

HAWK
I guess so. Now what?

Penguin takes a manila envelope from his briefcase under the table and hands it to Hawk.

Hawk looks at the envelope.

INSERT – ENVELOPE which reads:
CONFIDENTIAL – ULTRA-TOP SUPER-SECRET

Hawk opens the envelope, reaches inside and pulls out two rectangular pieces of paper.

HAWK
Plane tickets?

Penguin nods.

PENGUIN
Well observed. You’re going to New Jersey to meet the vampires.

HAWK
I thought they were in the Catskills.

PENGUIN
Economic necessity dictates that they were moved to somewhere more, ah, affordable.

Hawk looks at the tickets.

INSERT – TICKET which reads:
LONDON GATWICK – NEWARK INTERNATIONAL. COACH CLASS

cut to: