The Nashville Metropolitan Government’s Apparent Reaction to Snow


The setting of our story.

I, i

Early afternoon, January 20, 2011: Precipitation in the form of freezing rain that, over the course of ten minutes, turns to sleet. Inside the Metro offices, a group of decision-making employees wearing khakis and button-up shirts bought from Wal-Mart crowd around the scummy, unclean windows. (It would cost too much to have the windows cleaned, and the budget must be clear so that road work downtown may continue.) They watch, enraptured and awe-struck, as the drops turn to flakes.

Bureaucrat 1: What is this?

Bureaucrat 2: I know not. [pause] Consult the Codex.

[Audible gasp from the Metro government workers.]

Bureaucrat 3: Surely, we do not need to consult the Codex quite yet. Verily, the objects falling from the sky are truly frightening—Louis hath shat himself quite thoroughly.

Louis, the Bureaucrat: Sorry.

[Louis exits to clean himself.]

Bureaucrat 3: But one man’s soiling of himself doth not warrant the gathering of the Codex.

Archie, the Intern: What’s the Codex?

[A hush falls over the group of city employees. They turn from the windows and stare, slack jawed, at the one who does not know of the Codex.]

Bureaucrat 1: Ask thou, “What is the Codex?” Yea, thou shouldst surely ask “What is the sky?”

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Moving to The South

I have a lot of problems with The South. Anyone who’s known me for more than a minute (or, in some cases, has seen me on facebook and nowhere else) can tell you that I’m prone to a long, rage-filled diatribe at the mention of grits, Garth Brooks, Strom Thurmond, South Carolina, Southern Baptists, South America, or the little-known Hitchcock film, South by Southeast.

One of the many things I despise

There’s a good reason for it–one that’s not xenophobia. See, there was a time when I didn’t live in Tennessee. When I lived in a region of the country that had seasonal weather and did not look on Democrats as a scourge to be smote by the power of the Tea Party. This place, which, I’ve learned, is heavily romanticized in my imagination, is Ohio.

How I see Canton, Ohio in my mind.

The Reality

And then, as it tends to happen, the Universe sneezed and my Mom, dog, cat, and I moved to Smyrna, Tennessee to live with my grandmother.

You probably don’t know about Smryna, but that’s okay. Most people don’t. Since there’s no representation of the town close to how I remember it, I’ve taken the liberty of drawing an AaronMap ™ of the town. Before you ask, no, it’s not to scale. And no, it’s not really in the shape of what the town looked like.

Pictured: rednecks, wannabe hunters, and churches.

And that’s when the fun began.

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Stupid Things I Said Last Week

I’m faced with the opportunity to either work on the post that’s in draft status, work on my novel, work on editing, go frolic in chilly weather, or continue to sit on the couch and start something new. Guess what I chose!

Anyway, I was thinking about all the supremely stupid things I do during the week, and I came to the conclusion that most of the things I say are incredibly stupid.

The Simon Reaction to Social Situations

Sometimes they make me come off as arrogant, pretentious, or worthless. I’ve got enough self-esteem to put myself in none of those categories, but that doesn’t mean that, somewhere in my genetic makeup is the following:

if socialInteraction = true then

charm = kinda

funny = kinda

selfDeprecation = Full


intelligence = off

abrasiveness = on

else = Write

NOTE: It’s been a long time since I’ve coded anything properly. Don’t try to put that into any programming language, please.

How do I know this is a genetic thing? Because my Dad has the same problem I do. (For example: He once called me up to tell me about how he insulted an old lady by insisting that the person in front of him was served before the old lady because, “Holy shit, she was scary.”)

So nu, I was in the kitchen, shouting randomly, because that’s what I do when I’m alone in the house (the dog doesn’t seem to mind), and I realized that, hell, I might as well start putting these up on the site. After all, I’ve got no distractions around and if I just sit around watching Seinfeld clips, as I usually do on a lazy Sunday afternoon, I’ll feel guilty for not having done anything during the day.

So, in no particular order, and reaching back in time just a bit, here’s a non-exhaustive list of stupid/pretty mean things I’ve said over the past week. If any of you have the ear of a deity, you might want to tell him/her/it that this is my way of confessing, and they should not banish me to a hell/limbo.

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