A Brief Apology to Everyone in… well, everyone

Er, look. I was pretty caught up in the Rapture thing, so sorry to everyone in Nashville who I might have run across.

Sorry for the:

  • Obscenities
  • Blood
  • Alcohol
  • More Blood
  • More Alcohol
  • Lots More Obscenities
  • All of the People I Told to Screw Off
  • All of the Shops I Stole From
  • All of the Cars I Keyed
  • Breaking Into Sherith Israel and Shouting “ANARCHY!”

Just… everything.

The Skittles E-Mail

I received a chain e-mail from someone I’ve never met. It’s the typical saccharine quasi-humor that gets passed around in offices where Friday is a punchline. This one, though, had to deal with health screenings and eating healthy.

A woman goes to a doctor’s office and it turns out that because of her diet, she is on the verge of having a heart attack because of high… everything. Rather than taking her doctor’s advice, she decides to eat bowl-fulls of Skittles for breakfast.

This is what passed through my head.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 10:20 AM
To: Cathy Davidson
Subject: tickets

Hi Cathy,

You don’t know me. I work downstairs in a den of estrogen.

As you don’t know me, you wouldn’t know that, before I read your e-mail, I did not have diabetes. While I was a bit overweight, it wasn’t anything major, and, with a bit of a workout a few days a week, I would’ve hit my target weight fairly quickly. However, my health problems started when I read your e-mail this morning, decided that it was such a great idea that I should try it out.

As per your doctor’s instructions, I ate a full five-pound bag of Skittles.

Immediately after, I lost my sight and all feeling in my feet. (No doubt that you’re thinking to yourself, ‘how is he sending an e-mail after losing his sight?’ Well, Leah’s in today, and she wasn’t doing anything, so I’m dictating this to her while trying to figure out how to have a constant drip of insulin.)

Essentially, I’m dictating this e-mail to tell you to switch doctors immediately. Your current one is a scoundrel and a charlatan, and has probably never heard of the Hippocratic Oath. What is his name, so that I can file a malpractice suit.

Aaron Simon
In A Tremendous Amount of Pain

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