I received a chain e-mail from someone I’ve never met. It’s the typical saccharine quasi-humor that gets passed around in offices where Friday is a punchline. This one, though, had to deal with health screenings and eating healthy.

A woman goes to a doctor’s office and it turns out that because of her diet, she is on the verge of having a heart attack because of high… everything. Rather than taking her doctor’s advice, she decides to eat bowl-fulls of Skittles for breakfast.

This is what passed through my head.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 10:20 AM
To: Cathy Davidson
Subject: tickets

Hi Cathy,

You don’t know me. I work downstairs in a den of estrogen.

As you don’t know me, you wouldn’t know that, before I read your e-mail, I did not have diabetes. While I was a bit overweight, it wasn’t anything major, and, with a bit of a workout a few days a week, I would’ve hit my target weight fairly quickly. However, my health problems started when I read your e-mail this morning, decided that it was such a great idea that I should try it out.

As per your doctor’s instructions, I ate a full five-pound bag of Skittles.

Immediately after, I lost my sight and all feeling in my feet. (No doubt that you’re thinking to yourself, ‘how is he sending an e-mail after losing his sight?’ Well, Leah’s in today, and she wasn’t doing anything, so I’m dictating this to her while trying to figure out how to have a constant drip of insulin.)

Essentially, I’m dictating this e-mail to tell you to switch doctors immediately. Your current one is a scoundrel and a charlatan, and has probably never heard of the Hippocratic Oath. What is his name, so that I can file a malpractice suit.

Best,
Aaron Simon
In A Tremendous Amount of Pain

From: Cathy Davidson
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:53 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: tickets

Oh my god are you okay??? I didn’t even know jthat could happen so fast! I thought it was something that happened when you were an old person or something!!!

That wasn’t from my doctor my aunt sent that out to me and my mom and i thought it would be funny!!! Call the hospital now!!!!

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:53 AM
To: Cathy Davidson
Subject: tickets

Hi Cathy,

Can’t call the hospital, I’m afraid. Virgin Mobile cuts service any time it’s cloudy outside and my supervisor over here demanded that all of our phones be disconnected after I – allegedly – called in death threats on Glenn Beck’s talk show on company time.

If you’re being sincere in your denial, then I heartily suggest that you call your aunt and tell her that she will be receiving several civil lawsuits against her from my family when I die. Did I mention that my heart is palpating at an exaggerated rate? And that I’ve been constantly sweating since getting halfway through the bag of Skittles?

I’m not sure, but I think I hear a chorus of angels singing Hosannahs. If I see a light, I will fear no evil, for the Lord is with me.

Oh, that’s not Hosannahs, that’s the screams of a thousand damned souls, screaming for mercy at the hands of their maimed and disfigured tormentors. Looks like I’m going straight to hell, then.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Damned

From: Cathy Davidson
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:53 AM
To: Glenda Carlton
Subject: tickets

WE NEED TO HELP AARON HES LOSING HIS SIGHT AND FEET AND CANT CALL THE HOSPITAL

From: Glenda Carlton
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:53 AM
To: Cathy Davidson
Subject: tickets
What? Who’s Aaron? There’s no one on my phone list named Aaron, so I don’t think we have anyone named Aaron here.

Glenda Carlton
Administrative Director of Personnell

From: Cathy Davidson
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:53 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: tickets

I’m going to help you!!! We’re going to get you fixed up!

From: Cathy Davidson
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:53 AM
To: Glenda Carlson
Subject: tickets

HE’S DYING THATS WHO HE IS HE ATE FIVE POUNDS OF SKITTLES AND LOST HIS EYES AND FEET!!

From: Glenda Carlson
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:53 AM
To: Cathy Davidson
Subject: tickets

…Okay.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:53 AM
To: Cathy Davidson
Subject: tickets

It is too late for me. And now, I die.

From: Cathy Davidson
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:53 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: tickets

DONT EAT THE SKITTLES YOULL DIE