Please, Send Me Hate Mail

Welp, I’ve been feeling disheartened lately. Kind of an ennui brought about by yet more rejections and some legit thought about this whole teaching abroad thing. (Which is completely different from how I decided to earn my M.A., which was more along the lines of “Hey, that’d be cool, I’ll go… there!”)

But anyway, this isn’t about my feelings, because feelings are scary and terrifying and require one to look seriously at one’s self in order to determine something, anything about one’s self. And I don’t like doing that, because that’s how literary stories are born, and I find those to be detestable and boring by virtue of their navel-gazing and lack of spaceships.

If it doesn't involve at least one X-Wing, I'm not that interested.

And I was thinking earlier, as I am sometimes wont to do, that it’s been a while since I’ve had a good blood-boiling rage-fest. Or, at the very least, had a blood-boiling rage fest directed at me. This got me thinking about my brief stint at The Daily Beacon, where I was so damn enthused to receive hate mail about all of my wholly irrelevant columns–which I might post up here one day, because hey, why not?

So, please, send me hate mail. I’ll go ahead and tell you my beliefs to make it easier for you.

Also, e-mails, please. (AaronCSimon[at]Gmail[dot]com) I forget about comments on here, and if it goes down on facebook, I’ll just try to troll you.

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A Brief Apology to Everyone in… well, everyone

Er, look. I was pretty caught up in the Rapture thing, so sorry to everyone in Nashville who I might have run across.

Sorry for the:

  • Obscenities
  • Blood
  • Alcohol
  • More Blood
  • More Alcohol
  • Lots More Obscenities
  • All of the People I Told to Screw Off
  • All of the Shops I Stole From
  • All of the Cars I Keyed
  • Breaking Into Sherith Israel and Shouting “ANARCHY!”

Just… everything.

The Skittles E-Mail

I received a chain e-mail from someone I’ve never met. It’s the typical saccharine quasi-humor that gets passed around in offices where Friday is a punchline. This one, though, had to deal with health screenings and eating healthy.

A woman goes to a doctor’s office and it turns out that because of her diet, she is on the verge of having a heart attack because of high… everything. Rather than taking her doctor’s advice, she decides to eat bowl-fulls of Skittles for breakfast.

This is what passed through my head.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 10:20 AM
To: Cathy Davidson
Subject: tickets

Hi Cathy,

You don’t know me. I work downstairs in a den of estrogen.

As you don’t know me, you wouldn’t know that, before I read your e-mail, I did not have diabetes. While I was a bit overweight, it wasn’t anything major, and, with a bit of a workout a few days a week, I would’ve hit my target weight fairly quickly. However, my health problems started when I read your e-mail this morning, decided that it was such a great idea that I should try it out.

As per your doctor’s instructions, I ate a full five-pound bag of Skittles.

Immediately after, I lost my sight and all feeling in my feet. (No doubt that you’re thinking to yourself, ‘how is he sending an e-mail after losing his sight?’ Well, Leah’s in today, and she wasn’t doing anything, so I’m dictating this to her while trying to figure out how to have a constant drip of insulin.)

Essentially, I’m dictating this e-mail to tell you to switch doctors immediately. Your current one is a scoundrel and a charlatan, and has probably never heard of the Hippocratic Oath. What is his name, so that I can file a malpractice suit.

Best,
Aaron Simon
In A Tremendous Amount of Pain

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