From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, September 15, 2011 10:46 AM
Subject: Organizational Day Care
It’s come to my attention over the past ten months that several of you have procreated.
Admittedly, I have absolutely no idea why. The world is filled with pain and suffering on a night-unimaginable scale, and bringing more humans into the world to experience it is, in my mind, a form of sadism. Reprehensible to an extreme extent, I think.
But obviously, I am in the minority.
Since a significant percentage of you feel the compulsion to bring your offspring into the office and, thus, pollute the air with the smell of children, I propose the following:
A day care, led by yours truly. It would be an institution of learning, designed to turn your pupas into actual, thinking beings instead of automatons designed for naught but the discussion of Big Brother or whatever the bullshit du jour happens to be.
Activities would include:
Learning Obscenities with Aaron: Teddy Roosevelt’s motto was “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” I disagree with the esteemed American icon. I believe that humans should mirror our ape cousins and develop enough of a shrieking cacophonous call that would either a) debilitate foes before they used physical violence or b) freaked them out enough that they would believe engaging in fisticuffs with a madman is the exact wrong thing to do. Some sample lessons would be: “The proper usage of ‘fuck;’” or “Using deities as curse words.”
Cooking Food for Aaron: Providing nourishment for oneself is an immensely valuable skill that many people lack. I believe that we may all agree that popping pre-cooked food in a microwave is not enough to attain a balanced lifestyle, and thus I would throw your larva into the fire—so to speak. I would provide them with a recipe list and a taste of a finished product and tell them to have at it. The fact that they are cooking food for me is simply there to give them an attainable goal; they are not learning for learning’s sake (since such an enlightened view is seen as obsolete in today’s society), but instead learning for a measurable, quantifiable result. Namely, my pleasure.
Learning That They Are Not Actually Special: I know. They are in your wool-covered eyes. And that’s fine. But know this: To everyone else, they are roadblocks in the way of having a good day. I would make it one of my goals to show them that they are only one person in a sea of almost seven billion individuals. It would be a very difficult thing to do, I know, but I would try my hardest to ensure that your bundle of feces and urine understands that they are quite insignificant, and that odds are against them when it comes to accomplishing anything world-changing.
Arts and Crafts with Aaron: I find the act of putting things together, or gluing things together, repulsive. However, I would make an exception with this and force, sorry, encourage your offspring to create a full-scale Gregor Samsa Roach Costume. I have enough slime to make it seem realistic. (It’s best if you don’t ask where I procured the slime.)
Drama Time with Aaron: No. I know what you’re thinking. This is not your petty “Eleni said I looked fat today but I totally don’t because I worked out and” bullshit. This is drama. Theatre. That which none of you—especially those of you who love musicals—have any appreciation for. The first production we will put on shall be an adaptation of Kafka’s The Trial, complete with beheading.
De-Religioning Time with Aaron: I will, once and for all, lift the deception of religion from your child’s eyes. Religion is the opiate of the masses, and, while you most definitely believe that you are doing your children favors by telling them there is an all-knowing Sky Wizard, you are in fact hurting them. It will be my goal to show them that we are the only ones in charge of our lives, and that there is justification for acting rightly in a secular environment. Also: Zombie-healer-wizard. Get out of here, Christianity, you make no sense.
What we will need from you: Obviously, you will have to provide your children’s food. We do not have larva feed, and I see no reason why it should be stocked. In addition, I request that you provide proper tranquilizer dosage for your offspring. There will assuredly be times during the day when I will face a choice between murder and putting them to sleep, and I do believe that both you and I would rather I choose the tranquilizer option.
Please do let me know if you’re interested, and we can discuss rates.
From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, September 16, 2011 11:00 AM
Subject: RE: Organizational Day Care
What, no takers?