A Dispatch from Field Reporter Josh Robinson

Nation Mourns as President Obama Confesses to Plagiarizing Speeches

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The nation was shocked today as news broke that President Barack Obama has been delivering speeches whose content plagiarizes famous songs from the 1970s.

While many Americans could not believe the Commander-In-Chief was capable of such an act, some claim they had their suspicions about the originality of the his material.

Such doubts arose when President Obama delivered a speech at a rally in South Dakota last month. John Freeland, a farmer who attended the rally said, “When he was talking about how he wanted us to join a convoy that was ‘truckin’ across the USA’, I figured he was just trying to unify us a people. You know, get us to stop fighting amongst ourselves and come together.”In actuality, Mr. Obama was simply reciting lyrics from the 1975 song “Convoy” by CW McCall.

Then, later that month, at a speaking engagement at Gonzaga University in Spokane, Washington, the President announced that he would rock the crowd.

“I was really pumped up,” said Brian Murphy, a Gonzaga graduate student. “I felt like [President Obama] could get anything done. Then, he told us that he had paid his dues, time after time. I thought he was assuring us that he had the experience necessary to get the job done–despite what some of the press was saying. I guess I was wrong.”

President Obama was in actuality reciting the words of Queen’s lead singer Freddy Mercury in their hit song “We Will Rock You”, released in October of 1977 on their album News of the World.

President Obama, when reached for comment, claimed Vice President Joe Biden suggested the strategy.

He has not been the first politician to face scrutiny for suspicions of plagiarism. Some believe the reason Senator John Kerry did not win the Presidential Election in 2004 was due to attempts to use Creedence Clearwater Revival lyrics as speeches, a move which many of his aides advised against.

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Chiggers Are Assholes

Pictured: Asshole.

So I did something this past weekend that I normally don’t do: I went on a nature walk.

I normally don’t do that sort of thing because I–like every member of my generation–am addicted to the Internet, and while I can access it on my smartphone, it’s pretty difficult to open fifteen different tabs on the Android browser.

There’s also the horrible Tennessee summertime heat and humidity that make going down the street for a tea a trial. Seriously, it’s close to Houston in terms of ungodliness. The heat index yesterday, for example, was 115 in Houston. It was 105 in Nashville. That’s insane. That’s actually–and I’m serious–enough heat and humidity for a person to boil an egg on the street and sweat enough to not have to go to a sauna. Ever. You will never have to go to a sauna because all of the sweat you will ever have in your life will drip out of you in the short time you’re outside.

And then there are the bugs.

I’ve heard that deeper in the South, the bugs are worse, but considering the size and amount of bugs in Tennessee, I have no desire to go south of Nashville. I’ve seen mosquitoes so big you’ll think you’re stuck in the Jurassic period. I’ve seen mosquito hawks–you know, those big fuckers that get stuck in your house and keep bumping into the ceiling because they can’t do anything else–the size of helicopters.

But those aren’t the bugs I want to talk about today. I want to talk about the supreme assholes in the insect kingdom (family?): Chiggers.

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Punny Story

From: Hera Jones

Sent: Monday July 11, 2011, 8:34AM

To: _EVERYONE

Subject: PUNNY STORY!!!!

 

This is your Monday humor . . . enjoy!

Punny story!

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty
old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John
Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is
also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone
else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift

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