Okay, I no longer know anything about the world. Not that I knew much about it to begin with, but that’s beside the point.

See, for the last four or five posts on this site, I’ve been getting this bizarre responses. For all appearances, they seem like they’re written by a human being. They all have a central idea around which they revolve, and work on these ideas, flesh them out, by virtue of expounding on the idea. However, these posts are completely irrelevant to anything I’m trying to do with the site (lie about my life so I can joke about it) and, instead, seem as if they’re a part of an extended conversation between two people–one of whom suffers from debilitating self-hatred and fear of the world in general.

And the fucked up thing is that latter person seems, according to these insane posts, to be me.

All of these posts are traced back to a Yahoo! e-mail account and, if I’m right, they’re coming from Australia. Now, I’m taking this situation to its logical conclusion and, thus, I’ve deduced that Mad Max has Internet access and is stalking me.

The contents of each post are vaguely related to the topic of every piece I toss up on the site–“vaguely” here refers to the presence of keywords sprinkled throughout the extensive comment. For example, “On Risk” had a comment about how we should take chances and, somehow, that was what Risk was about. Well, yes, but the chances therein involve tiny plastic bits and dice.

My Neuroses post had some bizarre Greek psychological thing that I’m still not sure about, and the insanity continued from there.

The point is: I think this is spam, but as to what purpose it serves, I have no idea. There is never a mention of a brand, and the only websites it links to are flickr albums and videos on YouTube, making this the most ineffectual spam campaign ever. Of course, there is the possibility that the posts are trying to increase awareness of armchair psychology, but does that really need an increase in awareness?

So I’m deciding to treat this as the above premise: Mad Max is stalking me on the Internet. As Mr. Max is incredibly confused as to the purpose of my blog, I’ve decided that I’m going to deconstruct the latest comment. In order to make this as accessible as possible, I’m reprinting the post (after the jump) and numerating it by what I think of as the sections of the post; and, further, I will take a look at each section after the body of the post.

And so, we begin.

Section I: “I’m not here to point fingers”. [/source] Correction “You never were there”.

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Section II: The inability to recognize this and all the manic blogging by you and your cronies helps a lot – thank you (my tongue is stinging with an acrid bitter taste)
You can be the best writer in the world but if the reader does not believe is from you then the connection, the captive attention is lost.
I had a friend once who went through some very trying times. We had a falling out due to this and she stated quite clearly she wanted nothing to do with me. I respected her wishes for 6 months. I tried contact again and thus was served an intervention order. My respect for her wishes and her health was far greater than any wounded pride; so I remained silent for 1 year.
1 year passed and I tried contact again. Again an intervention order. No reasons, no contact nothing. If she had have simply said to my face not to ever contact me again I would have respected that.
Every human deserves a voice and every human deserved to be listened to with acknowledgement of understanding the communication has been received – this is the core of the human condition – all people want is to be understood and ultimately loved unconditionally.

Section III: Can you see the differences between our approaches? They are polar opposites in approach and delivery and I sorry to say I am glad I am not you right now, as my desolation and loneliness pales in comparison to yours.
I am unable to reconcile what twisted rationalization keeps you in such a hellish state. Perhaps you are dead and I am talking to somebody I do not know. It is becoming apparent I will never know.
My heart sickens every time I think how my weaknesses that I confided in to you are used to torment and taunt me.
You understand (actually you do not) how important friendship is to me and loyalty yet you used it to attack and cut me.
The betrayal by what I thought were “mutual” friends I am not able to understand why somebody let alone a group of people would do that to a person. I never wronged them from my knowledge nor did I back-stab you.

Section IV: Here lies another core difference between us. This process does not make me angry towards them (or you miss cranky pants). It makes me angry at the injustice. I do not call for them to be slaughtered so I can bathe in their warm blood. I pray for them.
I can face my demons eye to eye and I am not afraid. If via the ridiculous idea that the relentless pressure of internet blogging is an attempt at breaking me psychologically you are missing the elephant in the room. The elephant you love to parade around and take pleasure at dictating to the world – the triumphant proclamation that I am bonkers. haha
I love being called bonkers as I know once stated I have my foe scared shitless. For who fights and adversary that grows in strength as conditions get worse for them? I am not silly I understand your strategy your trails are as clean as whistle – always in character – such character hey boys. No grammar lads. the difference in the use of the term “character” could not be more different in the prior mentioned contexts.
What I also understand is that you are in a double bind with these blogs. Use in the process and it suddenly becomes an admission – clever bastards these oversensitive types. What I also do not want to happen is to see you upset anymore.

Section V: I do not know who you really are. I cling to a memory of a person who I once knew. If you are not that person anymore so be it. At least I can grieve. You need to let me know. Whether you are aware of this or not the grief I feel is often described as the worst kind when you lose a loved one – not ever knowing what happened to them.
Soon I will force myself to let go if I have no chance of ever finding out. It will hurt but it will allow healing to begin.
If I do not it will consume me and if I let that occur, then I am no help to anyone.

(NOTE: The only thing I edited up there was the “Section __” bits. Everything is verbatim from the comment.)

My Response

First of all, thanks for taking time out of your apocalypse-wasteland-wandering to drop me a line, Mr. Max. It’s great hearing from the second-most influential Australian, aside from Crocodile Dundee and just above David Thorne. I hope your dog’s doing well.

So, Section I: I’m going to assume this is you getting a hold of your computer, and something it starts every response, e-mail, etc with. If nothing else, this explanation would make sense of the quasi-HTML coding. As for what you’re trying to say, i.e. you’re not pointing fingers, would I be correct that this is the M.O.  for life in the post-apocalyptic world? I’d imagine that accusing random passersby of crimes and wrongdoing would make a lot of enemies, and thus, make life a lot harder for everyone. Mr. Max, thank you for sharing your personal philosophy with me. I don’t wish to wind up in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, but between your suggestion and my training from Fallout 3 and New Vegas, I’m set.

Section II: I’d consider this advice that’s more of the general stripe than the sort above, at least at the start. What you’re talking about is the “authentic voice” of the writer. I’d like to think that I’ve developed enough of an authentic voice that I have a unique-ish style, but you’re free to disagree with that, and I’m more than happy to have a discussion about it.

Now, I’m not qualified–at all–to be a personal counsellor, but when people come to me with problems, I either tell them to “eliminate the problem” and then wink, or try to give advice. I’ll try to give you advice. What you seem to have here is what I like to call a Fucked-Up Reaction To Personal Interaction. You need to mellow out and, probably, not hide in people’s bushes outside their houses. Just because someone talks to you at a bus stop is no reason to assume they want to be BFFs, and, frankly, the restraining order should have been a good indicator of that. Of course, things might work differently after the nukes fall.

I’m so glad that you believe everyone wants and deserves to be loved unconditionally. It’s a heart-warming thing to read, especially after I’ve seen you kill several dozen people and take part in the Thunderdome.

Section III:  You bet I can see the difference between our approaches. For one,  I don’t sicc my dog on people (though that’s partially because Chloe is only capable of hating other dogs). For another thing, I’m not Australian.

Mr. Max, as for your next point, I’m a bit confused. The most hellish state I’ve been in recently has been the heartburn I had last night from eating too much cold pizza from Papa John’s. My own fault on that, I probably should have just made salmon cakes.

I guess part of the difference between our approaches has to do with this question of loyalty. I’m honored that you thought we had a relationship in any definition of the word. This is the first time I’ve heard of that anything I’ve written was seen beyond my usual circle of friends, and it’s even better that it was seen by a celebrity. Anything you can do to pass along my sites to your friends in the wastes would be greatly appreciated. I wasn’t aware that you confided anything in me, Mr. Max, but I apologize for betraying you in any way. Please don’t kill me.

Section IV: Huh. Well. Huh. I’m not… not exactly sure what to say to this. Bathing in their warm blood, huh? Huh. Moving on.

Section V: Who am I? I’m Aaron C Simon. I write stuff when I’m bored and, sometimes, some people see it. Other than that, I’m pretty easygoing. Nice to meet you?