The Autobiography of a Street Urchin

My feets is wooden this is me last month before the constabul kicked me out of the parks

Hullo my name is Tim Timiny Cherrio Idiot and i was born nder blackfriers bridge in london seven years ago. My mum was the queen of the bridge and she had people who worked for her but then those people was beaten by the constabuls and so they ran off and me mum said ‘bloody hell’ and thats when they taked her to a place where the people scream all the time. The man with the hair what goes ‘fwump’ when you throw plush balls at it they call him a judge he told me that i was in kustodee for my own safety and i didnt have any thing to say on account of my voice not being working yet because i was a wee little child.

And so the constabuls was supposed to bring me to a family which lived in the countryside in that town they call Pighurst-on-Timz but the constabuls attacked each other because they got hungry in the car on the way over and one of them the fat one took the skinny ones chips that they took from the brown man they called a Packee. The skinny one said ‘you sodding fat bastard’ and beat the fat one up and then the skinny one took me to his house and said ‘get to work now and dont you tell no one about what you saw.’ i didnt do much work though on account of i was a wee little child.

years later i could do work and that s how i learned that moonshine the drink not the moon’s shine blows up if you throw it on a lighted match. thats also how i lost me legs and feet but the dokters at teh NHS fixed me by giving me wooden feet and legs. And thats why my feets and legs is wooden.


After the skinny constabul who was called Roger died in the operation room because of all of the burns because i threw moonshine on the lighted match after he died the hospital said i should go home to me mum. So i went to the yelling hospital or what i thought was the yelling hospital but what turned out to be what they call the Yoonee. I followed the yelling and there was a lot of it because the people there was completely mad on account a them drinking what i thought was Moonshine but was something called teKeela.

The people who were called Stewdents let me live in their rooms until one of them was leaving to a place i never did hear of. and I thought to myself Tim Timiny Cheerio Idiot (the Stewdents was the ones who gived me the name on account of my brain not working like it should and they called me an Idiot and said I remembered them of a thing named Tiny Tim from a book and I liked cheerios), you must get out of here and find your mum because the dokters said you should.

So i took off my wooden feetses and legs and then i rolled myself into one of the Stewdents bags the one who was leaving the Yooney and it was a good thing i only ate a couple days a week because i didnt way much and only had to throw a few things out of the windows to make room for myself and my wooden feetses and legs. And so then the Stewdent who was going to places called America in which I now sometimes live when the constabuls dont hit my head with their clubs he left.

the plane ride was not good. i do not recollect you should go on a plane ride, sir, because they put you in a big place that is very loud and there are these small things that live in the walls and if you are not careful they will say things to you. Once one sat on top on the sutecase i was in and the thing started telling me that me mum was dead and i said no and then it said do you ever wonder why your eye doesnt work because you do not have an eye.

i said I did have Eyes and then when I left the suitcase i realized that my eye did not work. so I was out of the Sutecase and i was in a Large Apple what the Americans call Noo Yoahk, sir, and i wen to a hospital and I said ‘hullo.’ The lady behind the deks at the hospital said ‘ya? and

I said

My Eyes doesnt not work, mum, can you help me some, please? and then the woman said ‘Dear God you have wooden legs and feetses what happened to you?’

So i tolded her what all had happened to me and she sent me to a doctor who knocked me out with soemthing i couldnt see and then When i woke up i still Could not see out of the Eye that was not working before. i told that to the doctor who said that i had a glass Eye now and that it was red and I said why, sir? and he said ‘because you do not have insurance’ and then two men who were not nice came by and kicked me out of the hospital.

I don’t think that walking across the country with wooden feetses is a good thing because it rains a lot in America and when you have wooden feetses and legs they swell up. this didnt happen in london because back Then i was in the skinny constabuls shed and he didnt let me out much and the Stewdents didnt go out side when it was in the rain because they had the alcohols in there rooms.

I made it to 10ehsee and the drunk sir let me stay in the apartment on top of the warsher and dryer machines and the other sirs gaveme what they called the Moonshine but tasted different. sometimes they had cats in the apartment and the cats would scratch me and i would say ‘sir, the cat is attacking me’ and the stupid sir just laughed and turnded up the teevee.

once they had a cat that had white worms all over it and they called it The Infested and one time The Infested started chewing on my feetses because they was wooden and the sirs didnt do anything and i didnt either because i couldnt feel anything on account of my feetses was wooden. Once the German sir and the drunk sir and the sir with the exploding car took me to the market square and said ‘go on then play’ and so i went into the fountains and my feetses and legs swolled up because they were wooden. after that they didnt take me to the square because they said i complained.

I like music it makes my brain feel aaaaalllll sparkly in side.

I have not found me mum yet but one day i think i will now I am in Callerado and i heard there is a screaming hospital here and since it only too
k  a

day to get to Noo Yoahk from london i think the screaming hospital from where my mum must be should be near by.

thats all for now

Love

Tim Timiny Cheerio Idiot

ps the German sir and the stupid sir took me to a classical myoosick concert once and a man came out in a costume that was black and had a cape and a hat and he had a red stick and now i cannot sleep because i scream in my dreams and wake up

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