The Autobiography of a Street Urchin

My feets is wooden this is me last month before the constabul kicked me out of the parks

Hullo my name is Tim Timiny Cherrio Idiot and i was born nder blackfriers bridge in london seven years ago. My mum was the queen of the bridge and she had people who worked for her but then those people was beaten by the constabuls and so they ran off and me mum said ‘bloody hell’ and thats when they taked her to a place where the people scream all the time. The man with the hair what goes ‘fwump’ when you throw plush balls at it they call him a judge he told me that i was in kustodee for my own safety and i didnt have any thing to say on account of my voice not being working yet because i was a wee little child.

And so the constabuls was supposed to bring me to a family which lived in the countryside in that town they call Pighurst-on-Timz but the constabuls attacked each other because they got hungry in the car on the way over and one of them the fat one took the skinny ones chips that they took from the brown man they called a Packee. The skinny one said ‘you sodding fat bastard’ and beat the fat one up and then the skinny one took me to his house and said ‘get to work now and dont you tell no one about what you saw.’ i didnt do much work though on account of i was a wee little child.

years later i could do work and that s how i learned that moonshine the drink not the moon’s shine blows up if you throw it on a lighted match. thats also how i lost me legs and feet but the dokters at teh NHS fixed me by giving me wooden feet and legs. And thats why my feets and legs is wooden.

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