As you may or may not remember, Dear Reader, I started a chain of letters over the summer between two characters, one of which written by a friend of mine, the other by me. (You can read the first one here.) Well, slowly but surely, the letters are continuing and this entry is the response to the first and second letters. (You wouldn’t have read the second letter, as I’m still editing it. Going to put it up for publication, you see.)

All the backstory you need to know is that my character has recently claimed that he’s hired C’thulhu as a security guard.

Reginald St Smythe-Smythington Holst-Dulverton, B.A., Ph. D, M.D., J.D.

The Black Gate

Fizzlehurst

Fizzleshire

FZ1 7US

3 October, 2010

My dear friend, Mr Holst-Dulverton, B.A., Ph. D, M.D., J.D.

I owe you my sincerest apologies for my extreme delay in return to your August letters but simply put, my staff have been trying my patience.  Now, you see, good sir, that I usually have my butler, Clarence, write up my letters and send them off with the Royal Mail, as I like to support England’s (God save the Queen!) infrastructure. Recently though, we got into a bit of an argument, because you see, Holst-Dulverton B.A., Ph. D, M.D., J.D., he did not properly press my undergarments.  He had starched them too much, thus making them too stiff.  I promptly used the hard-as-a-board undergarments as a tool of punishment and smashed him in the face with it.  I must have hit him too hard, as he then stood up and threatened to quit.  This act of disobedience could not be tolerated.  As you know, I have a sizable militia patrolling my grounds, so I called in a handful of my most trusted men and told them to do with Clarence as they would.

The screams died down fairly quickly, and the issue was dealt with.

This now left me with quite a difficult situation:  I had no one to write down my response, for I could not trust any of my other men.  After some discussion with the Earl of Liverpool, I came to see his suggestion of sending you one of these electronic post messages as a good idea.  This has been quite a learning experience as I have now become accustomed to the ways of the internet and this Microsoft Word.  I have become addicted to all of these different fancy fonts and styles I can use.

My adventures through these internets have lead me to one of the most intriguing discoveries.  Have you heard of this thing called “internet pornography”?  The things these men and women do to themselves, and each other, are simply astounding.  I do wish to tell you about a few videos that I have watched numerous times to absorb all of the cinematic qualities, however, I do not wish to appear too vile to anyone who happens to glance at this.  Therefore, I will simply change the inappropriate words to a rather brilliant cipher I have created. Good luck deciphering the code, I have been assured that no one should be able to figure it out.

In this first film there were two women were sticking mrbrin their hpmms all the while the first girl was rubbing hobr in and around the other girls upi and i[.  After that she attempted to mrbrt her hpmms, but it simply couldn’t fit.   She continued ;ry the other girl’s upi and the look on the other girl’s face made me believe this was quite painful.   They switched positions at this point so that the one girl’s fpem, was facing the other girl’s mrbrt and then they proceeded to hpmm seach other’s tim and used their stpimf as lubricant.  In the next film, it featured two proper English (God save the Queen!) gentlemen, and, unfortunately, a sheep shagging Welsh woman. (Although this fact made me understand as to why she was in such a film.)  It started off with the men taking their smf out and placing them on her frdrty.  After that, she began upi, mrbrt, and hpmms their massive ,slr all the while they upi each other’s vtu.  They were getting so excited they kept yelling this over and over “mrbrt hpmms dsu hppfnur,” While they kept thrusting their mrbrt in her  hpmms yr;; s stretching her ;or wide open.  Needless to say it ended with the English (God save the Queen!) gentlemen smf on her jity and upi.

As I said, since she was a dirty Welsh sheep shagger, it did not surprise me one bit.  I simply could not believe the sheer number of videos on this internet.  I have been watching these pornographic feature films for weeks on end and still have not seen the same video twice.  It is brilliant I tell you! Brilliant!

That is enough about the events that are happening at my estate.  As far as your queries and stories go my good sir, allow me to address them now.  My son and I are at odds, but that is because I have sent him to travel with a Mr. Bear Grylls.  I have not heard much about him, but from the tid bits I have picked up, he seems to be quite the expert on being a true man.  Apparently, he was a Royal Airman and has even climbed Mount Everest.  It should be an excellent wake up call to my young Fitz-William.

Now on to the most important matter, your massive Piranha Plant.  While your options all appear fine and good, I think I may have two different solutions.  First, you could try and round up a large number of drunk Irishmen (yes, I know that’s redundant) and send them after the plant.  Once it consumes them, it will become highly intoxicated.  Now all you have to do is send a plant of low moral standing, such as a sheep-shagging Welsh plant out there and get them to copulate.  This way the plant will contract a debilitating disease and it will die of shame from sharing a bed with a Welsh plant.

Now on the other hand you desired an army such as mine.  What you could do, is go out there and train this plant to do your bidding.  You are one of the highest, upstanding Englishmen (God save the Queen!) in the land.  It should know to respect you and training it should not be a problem.  That way when those dirty chavs attempt to vandalize your lands, you could send the plant after them and there would be no evidence to bother you.

I hope all of your other affairs are going splendidly.  You mentioned something of a C’thulhu.  I haven’t the slightest idea what you are prattling on about.  I highly suggest you discontinue taking whatever substance is making you so absurd.  I simply cannot have a friend of mine losing his sanity like that.

All the best to you and your families. Please send return electronic post soon. We shall discuss more of the happenings on the internet.

Sincerely,

Frederick Smythe-Tensington Rexley, B.A., Ph.D, M.D., J.D.

The Hedgerow

Yaxley-upon-Stour

Yaxleyshire

YX2 8IS

P.S. – As you so aptly said, I am quite the practical joker.  While my joke on you, good sir, wasn’t as humorous as the Ethiopian incident, I am trying to stay current.  I hope you liked my use of what the internet community calls a “Meme.”  You can now feel good knowing, that you my dearest friend, have been “Rick Rolled.”