As you are no doubt aware, there is a new star sign: Ophiuchus.

My concern, as I’m sure is yours, is not what those born into this sign resemble in terms of character traits, but the various effects this new sign has on our world.

After hacking into JSTOR using a borrowed e-mail account and password (sorry James), I decided that I’d take up my mantle as Aaron Simon, Investigative Faux-Journalist, and have a looksie into what this portends.

The Babylonians

According to an article by an astronomy professor who was ousted from his chair at Oxford in 1965 on dubious charges (according to his autobiography published in We Have Funding For This Quarterly), the discovery of a new astrological sign has, in past cultures, signaled their decline.

For example, or so Dr. Wilhelm Desjackston states in his article, “The Death of Societies – BY STARS!” the Babylonians’ horoscopes only consisted of eleven astrological signs. And then, as time marched inexorably forward, so, too, did the first astrologers, the Astrologiarians, as they called themselves, decreed that there would be another sign added to their horoscope wheel. Soon after, as we all know, HaShem struck down the Tower of Babylon, the empire was destroyed, and the Romans took over their land.

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