Tag Archives: dear God what is wrong with me

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March 29, 2011

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Short Stories

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The Bulletin Board

From: Toya Carmel
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:39 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

Guardianship is missing a bulletin board. It was in our dead file room next to my office. I don’t know why it would be removed without our permission, but it is gone.

Please return it if you have it. If you know who might have it, please let me know.

– Toya Carmel

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:40 AM
To: Toya Carmel
Subject: RE: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

You’ll never find it, you know.

Aaron Simon
Enrollment Guy, Loki Impersonator

From: Toya Carmel
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:45 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

What? Does that mean you took it? Do you know who took it?

Toya Carmel

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:46 AM
To: Toya Carmel
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

Toya,

Oh yes, I took it. Last night around eleven p.m., if you must know. I found myself quite unable to sleep and, with no recourse found in my usual methods of going to sleep (among them consuming an entire bottle of NyQuil), I realized that I should embark on an adventure of sorts.

I took the car, started it, and drove downtown. When I reached 5th Avenue, I had a sudden epiphany: Rather than taking part in my intended method of wearing myself out (starting fights in the honkey-tonks downtown), I would have a little bit of mischief. I pulled up to the curb outside of our building, entered, and went to the file room and stole away with the bulletin board.

You may check the security footage if you wish, but it won’t give you any hints as to where I hid it. Indeed, I believe that it would be very difficult for you to ascertain its location.

I can be quite clever, you see.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Loki Impersonator

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:56 AM
To: James Gottfried
CC: Toya Carmel; Aaron Simon
Subject: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

Hi James,

Toya forwarded me this e-mail exchange. I know that I’m technically not supposed to perform any of my duties since I’m currently on forced administrative leave as a result of the FBI’s accusations, but, and correct me if I’m wrong, this is a punishable offense, stealing organizational equipment.

And, though I don’t have any legal training, I’m pretty positive that this would constitute a confession on Aaron’s part. Right?

Best,

Ted Hayward
Sent from my BlackBerry™

From: James Gottfried
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 11:14 AM
To: Ted Hayward
CC: Toya Carmel; Aaron Simon
Subject: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

You’re right. You’re not supposed to be handling any business while on forced administrative leave. Please stop using organizational equipment – i.e., server space for these e-mails – until your misuse of company equipment has been fully investigated by the authorities.

Also, it’s a damn bulletin board. We’ll get another one from one of the empty offices.

Best,

James Gottfried
Executive Director

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 11:16 AM
To:Toya Carmel
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Missing Bulletin Board
Importance: High

Toya:

You see? You cannot win.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Loki Impersonator

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March 17, 2011

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Short Stories

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Missing The Point: St Patrick’s Day

Hooray, Stereotype Day!

From: Tina Jones
Sent: Thursday, March 17, 2011 8:55 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: St Patrick’s Day!!!

Top o’ the mornin’ to y’all,

Just wanted to let you know today is your lucky day because:

1. If you’re lucky enough to be Irish, you’re lucky enough………and
2. Everyone’s Irish on St Patrick’s Day!

May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day!!

Tina Jones
Blog-Watcher and Forwarder

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, March 17, 2011 9:03 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: RE: St Patrick’s Day!!!

Tina,

I know. I’m so excited because, today of all days, my Irishness is upped from ¼ to 1/1. That’s a pretty big increase. Just erases the Heeb right out of me.

To celebrate this yearly occasion, the one day I’m considered saved by the Roman Catholic Church, I get blackout drunk on Irish whiskey. Today is no different. I have in my desk three bottles of Jameson Irish Whiskey. I had intended on drinking them all by myself – one per hour – but because I was reminded that today, of all days, everyone’s Irish (in some genetic anomaly shared by the human race), I’ve decided to share them.

Shots begin in ten minutes. We’ll be playing a drinking game I like to refer to as “The Pogue Mahone.” Essentially, I’ll have several albums by The Pogues playing on repeat. Every time Shane McGowan is indecipherable, we drink.

Slainte,

Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist, Drunk

From: Tina Jones
Sent: Thursday, March 17, 2011 9:20 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: RE: RE: St Patrick’s Day!!!

LOL

No one’s drinking, you joker.

What’s slaint?

Top a the mornin, everyone!

Tina Jones
Blog-Watcher, Forwarder

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March 14, 2011

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Short Stories

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Cubanos and Orange Juice

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:23 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Tasha just came to my office to alert me that you may or may not be carrying thirty pounds of marijuana on your body in order to take part in a massive drug deal with Cubans. Would you like to come to my office to discuss this?

Best,

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:40 AM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: Tasha Gordon

Yo,

Nah, that’s cool. There’s nothing to discuss. She asked me why I was wearing a shirt and slacks. I didn’t feel like reiterating that I was going to a concert tonight, so I told her that I was selling Cubans some drugs, which, of course, would contradict the policy manual.

It’s probably for the best to ignore anything she has to say about me. I also didn’t say that her son is proof positive that, while there most certainly is a God, that God is more akin to Loki the Norse god of trickery than whatever childish nonsense she has to believe about Christianity.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist

P.S. You want some? I can hook you up, blood. Good price, good shit. Home-grown, if you know what I mean.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:41 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: narc

T:

Don’t narc on me again. I know people.

Remember: Snitches get stitches.

-A

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:03 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Tasha just came by my office in tears about what you may or may not have said about her son. I’m not sure what there is between the two of you, but you need to stop doing whatever it is you’re doing.

Please come by my office so we can review the policy manual regarding illicit activities and the overall idea of constructing a harmonious office environment.

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:05 AM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Gosh, Ted, you know, I would, but I am absolutely swamped here. Files gotta be processed, and I’m the only one who knows how to do it up right, you know?

As far as having, ah, workplace conflicts with some of my coworkers: Well, I wouldn’t say that all of the fault lays on my end. You know, she looks pretty Aryan. Not trying to say anything–you know?–but, well, there’s kind of a historical conflict between people of that sort of appearance and my people. By which I mean the minority ethnicity of the Jews. I think you understand where I’m coming from. Hard to come into the office some days, you know?

As far as “illicit activities” goes, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I was discussing selling you some orange juice.

Aaron Simon
Graphic Designer, Wordsmith, Enrollment Dude

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:06 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: narc again

I thought I said don’t narc.

Horse head.

That is all.

From: Tasha Gordon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:10 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: narc again

you crazy psycho if you say one more thing i will have you fired dont talk to me again my husband will kick your ass

also STOP LEAVING THAT STUPID EYE PICTURE ON MY DESK!!!!!

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:10 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: The All-Seeing Eye

is not to be trifled with. It watches you.

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:23 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Is this actual, human busy, or is this your kind of busy where you’re spinning in your chair or looking at those websites about Star Wars? Which reminds me: As per Section 5.12 of the policy manual, use of organizational computers is restricted to business matters. Any further infractions will lead to an Internet block on your account.

Accusations of discrimination must be brought up through the proper channels and not through thinly-veiled e-mails. What you’re saying is very serious, and I urge you to consider whether or not you’d like to go on record as stating that one of your coworkers is an anti-Semite.

I’m not stupid. I know what you were talking about, and it wasn’t orange juice. Please do not insult my intelligence and please remember who is superior to who in this office.

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Reources

P.S. In order to ensure that business communication is uniform and professional, I ask that you keep your signature to your official job title. “Loki Impersonator” is not your title. If you are doing graphic design work, then I ask that you use your own equipment for it, and not the organization’s.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Shalom

No dude, for serious. Got files stacked up to the ceiling up in here. It’s crazy; I feel bad taking my hourly half an hour break. As for the computers: It’s not a big deal. I’ve got an IP masker running while downloading my torrents on this machine.

T and I got the misunderstanding settled. She’s to wear a Nazi flag whenever she’s in the office, and I won’t go around telling people she hates Jews and Muslims. Everybody wins. She’s wearing it now, if you want to head over and see. Ignore the crying, she’s not used to being referred to as “Himmler” yet.

And as for your status talk:

-Aaron
Enrollment Dude, DHS Bitch, Loki Impersonator

From: Wes Graves
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:40 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: orange juice

Ted wants me to block your internet access.

You hook me up with some “orange juice” and I’ll see that your connection goes faster and route your IP address to his computer.

Wes Graves
IT Manager
SystemTec Business Solutions

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:42 PM
To: Wes Graves
Subject: RE: orange juice

Word.

Call 615.555.9685 and ask for Roddy. Tell him I sent you. Best damn OJ you’ll get, dude.

-AS
Wordsmith

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Internet

You wouldn’t know anything about a call from the FBI regarding the illegal downloads of several adult film titles on my computer, would you?

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2011 12:25 PM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: Internet

Dude, save that stuff for home.

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:23 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Tasha just came to my office to alert me that you may or may not be carrying thirty pounds of marijuana on your body in order to take part in a massive drug deal with Cubans. Would you like to come to my office to discuss this?

Best,

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:40 AM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: Tasha Gordon

Yo,

Nah, that’s cool. There’s nothing to discuss. She asked me why I was wearing a shirt and slacks. I didn’t feel like reiterating that I was going to a concert tonight, so I told her that I was selling Cubans some drugs, which, of course, would contradict the policy manual.

It’s probably for the best to ignore anything she has to say to me. I also didn’t say that her son is proof positive that, while there most certainly is a God, that God is more akin to Loki the Norse god of trickery than whatever childish nonsense she has to believe about Christianity.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist

P.S. You want some? I can hook you up, blood. Good price, good shit. Home-grown, if you know what I mean.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:41 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: narc

T:

Don’t narc on me again. I know people.

Remember: Snitches get stitches.

-A

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:03 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Tasha just came by my office in tears about what you may or may not have said about her son. I’m not sure what there is between the two of you, but you need to stop doing whatever it is you’re doing.

Please come by my office so we can review the policy manual regarding illicit activities and the overall idea of constructing a harmonious office environment.

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:05 AM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Gosh, Ted, you know, I would, but I am absolutely swamped here. Files gotta be processed, and I’m the only one who knows how to do it up right, you know?

As far as having, ah, workplace conflicts with some of my coworkers: Well, I wouldn’t say that all of the fault lays on my end. You know, she looks pretty Aryan. Not trying to say anything–you know?–but, well, there’s kind of a historical conflict between people of that sort of appearance and my people. By which I mean the minority ethnicity of the Jews. I think you understand where I’m coming from. Hard to come into the office some days, you know?

As far as “illicit activities” goes, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I was discussing selling you some orange juice.

Aaron Simon
Graphic Designer, Wordsmith, Enrollment Dude

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:06 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: narc again

I thought I said don’t narc.

Horse head.

That is all.

From: Tasha Gordon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:10 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: narc again

you crazy psycho if you say one more thing i will have you fired dont talk to me again my husband will kick your ass

also STOP LEAVING THAT STUPID EYE PICTURE ON MY DESK!!!!!

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:10 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: The All-Seeing Eye

is not to be trifled with. It watches you.

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:23 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Is this actual, human busy, or is this your kind of busy where you’re spinning in your chair or looking at those websites about Star Wars? Which reminds me: As per Section 5.12 of the policy manual, use of organizational computers is restricted to business matters. Any further infractions will lead to an Internet block on your account.

Accusations of discrimination must be brought up through the proper channels and not through thinly-veiled e-mails. What you’re saying is very serious, and I urge you to consider whether or not you’d like to go on record as stating that one of your coworkers is an anti-Semite.

I’m not stupid. I know what you were talking about, and it wasn’t orange juice. Please do not insult my intelligence and please remember who is superior to who in this office.

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Reources

P.S. In order to ensure that business communication is uniform and professional, I ask that you keep your signature to your official job title. “Loki Impersonator” is not your title. If you are doing graphic design work, then I ask that you use your own equipment for it, and not the organization’s.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Shalom

No dude, for serious. Got files stacked up to the ceiling up in here. It’s crazy; I feel bad taking my hourly half an hour break. As for the computers: It’s not a big deal. I’ve got an IP masker running while downloading my torrents on this machine.

T and I got the misunderstanding settled. She’s to wear a Nazi flag whenever she’s in the office, and I won’t go around telling people she hates Jews and Muslims. Everybody wins. She’s wearing it now, if you want to head over and see. Ignore the crying, she’s not used to being referred to as “Himmler” yet.

And as for your status talk:

http://pandora.cii.wwu.edu/vajda/russ110/images/slides/V2_011_1.jpg

-Aaron
Enrollment Dude, DHS Bitch, Loki Impersonator

From: Wes Graves
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:40 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: orange juice

Ted wants me to block your internet access.

You hook me up with some “orange juice” and I’ll see that your connection goes faster and route your IP address to his computer.

Wes Graves
IT Manager
SystemTec Business Solutions

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:42 PM
To: Wes Graves
Subject: RE: orange juice

Word.

Call 615.555.9685 and ask for Roddy. Tell him I sent you. Best damn OJ you’ll get, dude.

-AS
Wordsmith

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Internet

You wouldn’t know anything about a call from the FBI regarding the illegal downloads of several adult film titles on my computer, would you?

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2011 12:25 PM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: Internet

Dude, save that stuff for home.From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:23 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Tasha just came to my office to alert me that you may or may not be carrying thirty pounds of marijuana on your body in order to take part in a massive drug deal with Cubans. Would you like to come to my office to discuss this?

Best,

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:40 AM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: Tasha Gordon

Yo,

Nah, that’s cool. There’s nothing to discuss. She asked me why I was wearing a shirt and slacks. I didn’t feel like reiterating that I was going to a concert tonight, so I told her that I was selling Cubans some drugs, which, of course, would contradict the policy manual.

It’s probably for the best to ignore anything she has to say to me. I also didn’t say that her son is proof positive that, while there most certainly is a God, that God is more akin to Loki the Norse god of trickery than whatever childish nonsense she has to believe about Christianity.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist

P.S. You want some? I can hook you up, blood. Good price, good shit. Home-grown, if you know what I mean.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:41 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: narc

T:

Don’t narc on me again. I know people.

Remember: Snitches get stitches.

-A

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:03 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Tasha just came by my office in tears about what you may or may not have said about her son. I’m not sure what there is between the two of you, but you need to stop doing whatever it is you’re doing.

Please come by my office so we can review the policy manual regarding illicit activities and the overall idea of constructing a harmonious office environment.

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:05 AM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Gosh, Ted, you know, I would, but I am absolutely swamped here. Files gotta be processed, and I’m the only one who knows how to do it up right, you know?

As far as having, ah, workplace conflicts with some of my coworkers: Well, I wouldn’t say that all of the fault lays on my end. You know, she looks pretty Aryan. Not trying to say anything–you know?–but, well, there’s kind of a historical conflict between people of that sort of appearance and my people. By which I mean the minority ethnicity of the Jews. I think you understand where I’m coming from. Hard to come into the office some days, you know?

As far as “illicit activities” goes, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I was discussing selling you some orange juice.

Aaron Simon
Graphic Designer, Wordsmith, Enrollment Dude

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:06 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: narc again

I thought I said don’t narc.

Horse head.

That is all.

From: Tasha Gordon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:10 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: narc again

you crazy psycho if you say one more thing i will have you fired dont talk to me again my husband will kick your ass

also STOP LEAVING THAT STUPID EYE PICTURE ON MY DESK!!!!!

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:10 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: The All-Seeing Eye

is not to be trifled with. It watches you.

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:23 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Is this actual, human busy, or is this your kind of busy where you’re spinning in your chair or looking at those websites about Star Wars? Which reminds me: As per Section 5.12 of the policy manual, use of organizational computers is restricted to business matters. Any further infractions will lead to an Internet block on your account.

Accusations of discrimination must be brought up through the proper channels and not through thinly-veiled e-mails. What you’re saying is very serious, and I urge you to consider whether or not you’d like to go on record as stating that one of your coworkers is an anti-Semite.

I’m not stupid. I know what you were talking about, and it wasn’t orange juice. Please do not insult my intelligence and please remember who is superior to who in this office.

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Reources

P.S. In order to ensure that business communication is uniform and professional, I ask that you keep your signature to your official job title. “Loki Impersonator” is not your title. If you are doing graphic design work, then I ask that you use your own equipment for it, and not the organization’s.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Shalom

No dude, for serious. Got files stacked up to the ceiling up in here. It’s crazy; I feel bad taking my hourly half an hour break. As for the computers: It’s not a big deal. I’ve got an IP masker running while downloading my torrents on this machine.

T and I got the misunderstanding settled. She’s to wear a Nazi flag whenever she’s in the office, and I won’t go around telling people she hates Jews and Muslims. Everybody wins. She’s wearing it now, if you want to head over and see. Ignore the crying, she’s not used to being referred to as “Himmler” yet.

And as for your status talk:

http://pandora.cii.wwu.edu/vajda/russ110/images/slides/V2_011_1.jpg

-Aaron
Enrollment Dude, DHS Bitch, Loki Impersonator

From: Wes Graves
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:40 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: orange juice

Ted wants me to block your internet access.

You hook me up with some “orange juice” and I’ll see that your connection goes faster and route your IP address to his computer.

Wes Graves
IT Manager
SystemTec Business Solutions

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:42 PM
To: Wes Graves
Subject: RE: orange juice

Word.

Call 615.555.9685 and ask for Roddy. Tell him I sent you. Best damn OJ you’ll get, dude.

-AS
Wordsmith

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Internet

You wouldn’t know anything about a call from the FBI regarding the illegal downloads of several adult film titles on my computer, would you?

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2011 12:25 PM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: Internet

Dude, save that stuff for home.