Tag Archives: Alienating people

Standard

Posted by

Posted on

March 14, 2011

Posted under

Short Stories

Comments

Leave a comment

Cubanos and Orange Juice

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:23 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Tasha just came to my office to alert me that you may or may not be carrying thirty pounds of marijuana on your body in order to take part in a massive drug deal with Cubans. Would you like to come to my office to discuss this?

Best,

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:40 AM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: Tasha Gordon

Yo,

Nah, that’s cool. There’s nothing to discuss. She asked me why I was wearing a shirt and slacks. I didn’t feel like reiterating that I was going to a concert tonight, so I told her that I was selling Cubans some drugs, which, of course, would contradict the policy manual.

It’s probably for the best to ignore anything she has to say about me. I also didn’t say that her son is proof positive that, while there most certainly is a God, that God is more akin to Loki the Norse god of trickery than whatever childish nonsense she has to believe about Christianity.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist

P.S. You want some? I can hook you up, blood. Good price, good shit. Home-grown, if you know what I mean.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:41 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: narc

T:

Don’t narc on me again. I know people.

Remember: Snitches get stitches.

-A

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:03 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Tasha just came by my office in tears about what you may or may not have said about her son. I’m not sure what there is between the two of you, but you need to stop doing whatever it is you’re doing.

Please come by my office so we can review the policy manual regarding illicit activities and the overall idea of constructing a harmonious office environment.

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:05 AM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Gosh, Ted, you know, I would, but I am absolutely swamped here. Files gotta be processed, and I’m the only one who knows how to do it up right, you know?

As far as having, ah, workplace conflicts with some of my coworkers: Well, I wouldn’t say that all of the fault lays on my end. You know, she looks pretty Aryan. Not trying to say anything–you know?–but, well, there’s kind of a historical conflict between people of that sort of appearance and my people. By which I mean the minority ethnicity of the Jews. I think you understand where I’m coming from. Hard to come into the office some days, you know?

As far as “illicit activities” goes, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I was discussing selling you some orange juice.

Aaron Simon
Graphic Designer, Wordsmith, Enrollment Dude

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:06 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: narc again

I thought I said don’t narc.

Horse head.

That is all.

From: Tasha Gordon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:10 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: narc again

you crazy psycho if you say one more thing i will have you fired dont talk to me again my husband will kick your ass

also STOP LEAVING THAT STUPID EYE PICTURE ON MY DESK!!!!!

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:10 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: The All-Seeing Eye

is not to be trifled with. It watches you.

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:23 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Is this actual, human busy, or is this your kind of busy where you’re spinning in your chair or looking at those websites about Star Wars? Which reminds me: As per Section 5.12 of the policy manual, use of organizational computers is restricted to business matters. Any further infractions will lead to an Internet block on your account.

Accusations of discrimination must be brought up through the proper channels and not through thinly-veiled e-mails. What you’re saying is very serious, and I urge you to consider whether or not you’d like to go on record as stating that one of your coworkers is an anti-Semite.

I’m not stupid. I know what you were talking about, and it wasn’t orange juice. Please do not insult my intelligence and please remember who is superior to who in this office.

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Reources

P.S. In order to ensure that business communication is uniform and professional, I ask that you keep your signature to your official job title. “Loki Impersonator” is not your title. If you are doing graphic design work, then I ask that you use your own equipment for it, and not the organization’s.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Shalom

No dude, for serious. Got files stacked up to the ceiling up in here. It’s crazy; I feel bad taking my hourly half an hour break. As for the computers: It’s not a big deal. I’ve got an IP masker running while downloading my torrents on this machine.

T and I got the misunderstanding settled. She’s to wear a Nazi flag whenever she’s in the office, and I won’t go around telling people she hates Jews and Muslims. Everybody wins. She’s wearing it now, if you want to head over and see. Ignore the crying, she’s not used to being referred to as “Himmler” yet.

And as for your status talk:

-Aaron
Enrollment Dude, DHS Bitch, Loki Impersonator

From: Wes Graves
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:40 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: orange juice

Ted wants me to block your internet access.

You hook me up with some “orange juice” and I’ll see that your connection goes faster and route your IP address to his computer.

Wes Graves
IT Manager
SystemTec Business Solutions

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:42 PM
To: Wes Graves
Subject: RE: orange juice

Word.

Call 615.555.9685 and ask for Roddy. Tell him I sent you. Best damn OJ you’ll get, dude.

-AS
Wordsmith

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Internet

You wouldn’t know anything about a call from the FBI regarding the illegal downloads of several adult film titles on my computer, would you?

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2011 12:25 PM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: Internet

Dude, save that stuff for home.

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:23 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Tasha just came to my office to alert me that you may or may not be carrying thirty pounds of marijuana on your body in order to take part in a massive drug deal with Cubans. Would you like to come to my office to discuss this?

Best,

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:40 AM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: Tasha Gordon

Yo,

Nah, that’s cool. There’s nothing to discuss. She asked me why I was wearing a shirt and slacks. I didn’t feel like reiterating that I was going to a concert tonight, so I told her that I was selling Cubans some drugs, which, of course, would contradict the policy manual.

It’s probably for the best to ignore anything she has to say to me. I also didn’t say that her son is proof positive that, while there most certainly is a God, that God is more akin to Loki the Norse god of trickery than whatever childish nonsense she has to believe about Christianity.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist

P.S. You want some? I can hook you up, blood. Good price, good shit. Home-grown, if you know what I mean.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:41 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: narc

T:

Don’t narc on me again. I know people.

Remember: Snitches get stitches.

-A

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:03 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Tasha just came by my office in tears about what you may or may not have said about her son. I’m not sure what there is between the two of you, but you need to stop doing whatever it is you’re doing.

Please come by my office so we can review the policy manual regarding illicit activities and the overall idea of constructing a harmonious office environment.

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:05 AM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Gosh, Ted, you know, I would, but I am absolutely swamped here. Files gotta be processed, and I’m the only one who knows how to do it up right, you know?

As far as having, ah, workplace conflicts with some of my coworkers: Well, I wouldn’t say that all of the fault lays on my end. You know, she looks pretty Aryan. Not trying to say anything–you know?–but, well, there’s kind of a historical conflict between people of that sort of appearance and my people. By which I mean the minority ethnicity of the Jews. I think you understand where I’m coming from. Hard to come into the office some days, you know?

As far as “illicit activities” goes, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I was discussing selling you some orange juice.

Aaron Simon
Graphic Designer, Wordsmith, Enrollment Dude

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:06 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: narc again

I thought I said don’t narc.

Horse head.

That is all.

From: Tasha Gordon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:10 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: narc again

you crazy psycho if you say one more thing i will have you fired dont talk to me again my husband will kick your ass

also STOP LEAVING THAT STUPID EYE PICTURE ON MY DESK!!!!!

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:10 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: The All-Seeing Eye

is not to be trifled with. It watches you.

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:23 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Is this actual, human busy, or is this your kind of busy where you’re spinning in your chair or looking at those websites about Star Wars? Which reminds me: As per Section 5.12 of the policy manual, use of organizational computers is restricted to business matters. Any further infractions will lead to an Internet block on your account.

Accusations of discrimination must be brought up through the proper channels and not through thinly-veiled e-mails. What you’re saying is very serious, and I urge you to consider whether or not you’d like to go on record as stating that one of your coworkers is an anti-Semite.

I’m not stupid. I know what you were talking about, and it wasn’t orange juice. Please do not insult my intelligence and please remember who is superior to who in this office.

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Reources

P.S. In order to ensure that business communication is uniform and professional, I ask that you keep your signature to your official job title. “Loki Impersonator” is not your title. If you are doing graphic design work, then I ask that you use your own equipment for it, and not the organization’s.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Shalom

No dude, for serious. Got files stacked up to the ceiling up in here. It’s crazy; I feel bad taking my hourly half an hour break. As for the computers: It’s not a big deal. I’ve got an IP masker running while downloading my torrents on this machine.

T and I got the misunderstanding settled. She’s to wear a Nazi flag whenever she’s in the office, and I won’t go around telling people she hates Jews and Muslims. Everybody wins. She’s wearing it now, if you want to head over and see. Ignore the crying, she’s not used to being referred to as “Himmler” yet.

And as for your status talk:

http://pandora.cii.wwu.edu/vajda/russ110/images/slides/V2_011_1.jpg

-Aaron
Enrollment Dude, DHS Bitch, Loki Impersonator

From: Wes Graves
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:40 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: orange juice

Ted wants me to block your internet access.

You hook me up with some “orange juice” and I’ll see that your connection goes faster and route your IP address to his computer.

Wes Graves
IT Manager
SystemTec Business Solutions

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:42 PM
To: Wes Graves
Subject: RE: orange juice

Word.

Call 615.555.9685 and ask for Roddy. Tell him I sent you. Best damn OJ you’ll get, dude.

-AS
Wordsmith

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Internet

You wouldn’t know anything about a call from the FBI regarding the illegal downloads of several adult film titles on my computer, would you?

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2011 12:25 PM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: Internet

Dude, save that stuff for home.From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:23 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Tasha just came to my office to alert me that you may or may not be carrying thirty pounds of marijuana on your body in order to take part in a massive drug deal with Cubans. Would you like to come to my office to discuss this?

Best,

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:40 AM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: Tasha Gordon

Yo,

Nah, that’s cool. There’s nothing to discuss. She asked me why I was wearing a shirt and slacks. I didn’t feel like reiterating that I was going to a concert tonight, so I told her that I was selling Cubans some drugs, which, of course, would contradict the policy manual.

It’s probably for the best to ignore anything she has to say to me. I also didn’t say that her son is proof positive that, while there most certainly is a God, that God is more akin to Loki the Norse god of trickery than whatever childish nonsense she has to believe about Christianity.

Best,

Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist

P.S. You want some? I can hook you up, blood. Good price, good shit. Home-grown, if you know what I mean.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 10:41 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: narc

T:

Don’t narc on me again. I know people.

Remember: Snitches get stitches.

-A

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:03 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Tasha just came by my office in tears about what you may or may not have said about her son. I’m not sure what there is between the two of you, but you need to stop doing whatever it is you’re doing.

Please come by my office so we can review the policy manual regarding illicit activities and the overall idea of constructing a harmonious office environment.

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:05 AM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Gosh, Ted, you know, I would, but I am absolutely swamped here. Files gotta be processed, and I’m the only one who knows how to do it up right, you know?

As far as having, ah, workplace conflicts with some of my coworkers: Well, I wouldn’t say that all of the fault lays on my end. You know, she looks pretty Aryan. Not trying to say anything–you know?–but, well, there’s kind of a historical conflict between people of that sort of appearance and my people. By which I mean the minority ethnicity of the Jews. I think you understand where I’m coming from. Hard to come into the office some days, you know?

As far as “illicit activities” goes, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I was discussing selling you some orange juice.

Aaron Simon
Graphic Designer, Wordsmith, Enrollment Dude

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:06 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: narc again

I thought I said don’t narc.

Horse head.

That is all.

From: Tasha Gordon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:10 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: narc again

you crazy psycho if you say one more thing i will have you fired dont talk to me again my husband will kick your ass

also STOP LEAVING THAT STUPID EYE PICTURE ON MY DESK!!!!!

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:10 AM
To: Tasha Gordon
Subject: The All-Seeing Eye

is not to be trifled with. It watches you.

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 11:23 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Aaron,

Is this actual, human busy, or is this your kind of busy where you’re spinning in your chair or looking at those websites about Star Wars? Which reminds me: As per Section 5.12 of the policy manual, use of organizational computers is restricted to business matters. Any further infractions will lead to an Internet block on your account.

Accusations of discrimination must be brought up through the proper channels and not through thinly-veiled e-mails. What you’re saying is very serious, and I urge you to consider whether or not you’d like to go on record as stating that one of your coworkers is an anti-Semite.

I’m not stupid. I know what you were talking about, and it wasn’t orange juice. Please do not insult my intelligence and please remember who is superior to who in this office.

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Reources

P.S. In order to ensure that business communication is uniform and professional, I ask that you keep your signature to your official job title. “Loki Impersonator” is not your title. If you are doing graphic design work, then I ask that you use your own equipment for it, and not the organization’s.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Tasha Gordon

Shalom

No dude, for serious. Got files stacked up to the ceiling up in here. It’s crazy; I feel bad taking my hourly half an hour break. As for the computers: It’s not a big deal. I’ve got an IP masker running while downloading my torrents on this machine.

T and I got the misunderstanding settled. She’s to wear a Nazi flag whenever she’s in the office, and I won’t go around telling people she hates Jews and Muslims. Everybody wins. She’s wearing it now, if you want to head over and see. Ignore the crying, she’s not used to being referred to as “Himmler” yet.

And as for your status talk:

http://pandora.cii.wwu.edu/vajda/russ110/images/slides/V2_011_1.jpg

-Aaron
Enrollment Dude, DHS Bitch, Loki Impersonator

From: Wes Graves
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:40 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: orange juice

Ted wants me to block your internet access.

You hook me up with some “orange juice” and I’ll see that your connection goes faster and route your IP address to his computer.

Wes Graves
IT Manager
SystemTec Business Solutions

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 7, 2011 12:42 PM
To: Wes Graves
Subject: RE: orange juice

Word.

Call 615.555.9685 and ask for Roddy. Tell him I sent you. Best damn OJ you’ll get, dude.

-AS
Wordsmith

From: Ted Hayward
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Internet

You wouldn’t know anything about a call from the FBI regarding the illegal downloads of several adult film titles on my computer, would you?

Ted Hayward
Director, Human Resources

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, March 14, 2011 12:25 PM
To: Ted Hayward
Subject: RE: Internet

Dude, save that stuff for home.

Standard

Posted by

Posted on

March 3, 2011

Posted under

Short Stories

Comments

Leave a comment

5 Things The Masses Do Which Annoy Me

 

God save the Queen!

by Reginald St Smythe-Smythington Holst-Dulverton, B.A., Ph.D, M.D., J.D.

There are times when I must leave my fortified mansion in the hills of Fizzleshire and deal with the unwashed masses. Fortuitously, these times do not occur more than twice in a year’s space, but when they do rear their ugly countenance, they prey upon my mind for months at a time; in some instances, I am so shaken by the act of making eye contact with a troglodyte mother pushing her screaming progeny in a buggy that I cannot properly manage my fortunes. It is times like these when the London Stock Exchange experiences a massive dip in fortune, and the country is in peril of slinging back into the Dark Ages.

Recently, I traveled with my gibbering driver, Geoffery, into a city you may have heard of: Canterbury. I’ve been told that it is a place of some renown, a bastion of sensibility in that Mecca of slums: Kent. When we passed through the High Street (ignoring the calls for our heads as we drove down the “pedestrianised” road), I saw not affluence, but a glut of the base, common class and, dare I acknowledge it, Moslems. As the car passed by a kebab shop, I made contact with one of the dirty heathens, and fainted.

When I awoke, I was at a hospital (you wouldn’t know it, though it is responsible for keeping the Queen alive) and the doctor, one of the few Jews who have not immediately repulsed me, one Dr. Stein, suggested that, in order to rehabilitate my mind, I keep a diary of sorts.

Geoffrey is a rather diligent “lurker” of the computer box, and he suggested this site to me. After contacting the drunkard who runs it, and offering to buy him a bottle of some swill known as Manischewitz for every article I write, I procured a space for my grievances to be aired.

1. They Lack Proper Hygiene

On a typical day in the Holst-Dulverton Household, I do not speak to my wife. This is to ensure that I do not come into contact with her feminine germs, brought on by her numerous problems with her person with which I had to deal as we were attempting to procreate. After the birth of my son, I understood that I could, thenceforth, keep interactions with my wife to a minimum. It’s the smell, you see. The scent of a woman is repulsive – as, indeed, is the scent of most of humanity.

While I spend four hours in the morning grooming myself and applying various treatments proven by my private doctors to eliminate scents, and the germs that cause them, the vast majority of humanity does not. They believe that a simple application of hand soap and “shampoo” is enough, eschewing the proper alcohol dip and bleach-cleaning method that has been recommended to me. Once, I discussed hygiene with Richard Branson, who discussed a similar method he uses whenever he prepares himself to take a rocket pack out of his mansion.

Knowing full well that all people who did not attend Eton – and, indeed only the upper crust of those who attended – do not groom themselves properly, I find it night on impossible to associate with the herd. I do not feel it would be hyperbolic, or in any way an exaggeration, to state, as a fact, that 99% of homo sapiens are barely above the level of a primate in terms of their hygiene.

There are many reasons I do not touch anything outside of my mansion and my personal items, but this is one of the chief reasons.

2. They Speak at Unnecessary Volumes

I understand that, in a one room tin shack that houses two adults and their thirteen spawn, it may sometimes be a requirement to shout even the most calm of statements in order to be heard. However, what the working class does not seem to realise is that, outside of their hovels and slums, there is the small convenience of being in an area that, for all intents and purposes, is infinite in volume. There is no need to shout every miniscule detail of one’s meagre existence, as if one were the direct centre of the world.

In short, the community at large, though just as droll as the shouters, has no desire to hear how hard, or with what frequency one copulated, vomited, drank, or consumed trash passing as nourishment. And yet, each time I am forced to go past the gates of my residence, I am forced to hear of these events, as if there were things more deserving of my time than engineering the course of Great Britain (God save the Queen!).

One could say that this is none of my business – and, indeed, my progeny, Roderick, has said this several times and called me a “joyless old codger.” However, it is very well my business. A significant portion of my income is sucked away by the Government – especially the dreadful House of Commons – in order to pay for these sub-mentals’ continued existence. Sadly, my most recent attempts to threaten the new Prime Minister with physical violence lest he reverses the state of the nation have gone unheeded. I suppose I shall have to contact my cousin-thrice-removed, who is the a top officer in the RAF, to carpet bomb his residence.

3. They Do Not Listen to Music

Those of you common folk who have the ability to read might take issue with that statement. And, sadly enough, this is your right – until I have my way. You may take a contrary stance as long as you desire, and, legally, I cannot have you devoured by my hounds, Brutus and Cassius. This day shall pass, however, and when it does, you shall rue your previously-held belief that you are more than a scrap of dirt, a blight on the otherwise pristine surface of the planet Earth.

The “music” of the masses is nothing more than a cacophonous constant growl, wrecking the minds of those who listen to it for more than three minutes at a go. The case in point shall be this Lady Gaga. It should not surprise you to know that she is not of the aristocracy, and has no noble blood – and has more than a passing resemblance to a Jewess – and thus has no right to refer to herself as “Lady.” As to her surname, I cannot state anything definitely, but it does seem rather indicative of her cognitive levels.

One night, as I stalked the hallways of my mansion, kept awake by the schemes flitting through my mind dealing with propelling myself into space, I walked past Geoffery’s room and heard what I at first took to the mad howling of a rabid feline. However, it was not such a thing; Geoffery was, in fact, listening to the music of this charlatan and furiously masturbating to the moving images of a “music video.”

After nearly braining the insolent whelp for attempting to spill fluid in my household, I removed his television from his room and docked his pay by half. After which, I contacted several of my acquaintances in the House of Lords and attempted to have a bill passed through Parliament that would lead to the harlot’s quartering and her head impaled on the walls of the Tower of London. Sadly, this shrieking harpy is not a national of Great Britain (God save the Queen!), but of the moronic baboons across the Atlantic: The Americans. Leave it to them, the mass of slobbering apes, to breed in such a fashion that would lead to this painted mannequin.

If I were willing to discuss these matters with representatives of the “blue collar” folk, I would simply allow them to walk along a previously-determined path in my mansion. At the end of this path, they would enter one of the many sub-basements of my mansion, specifically the one in which I keep the string quartets chained. There, they would experience two things: The first of which would be the sublime beauty of Beethoven’s string quartets, played in their entirety, and the second would be the quick rush of bear traps closing upon their necks. Ha!

4. They Do Not Read

From time to time, my associates and I disseminate studies throughout the populace. The methods by which these studies gather information, and the forms they take, are highly confidential, having to deal with technology that may or may not have been confiscated from a group of gibbering red aliens. The results of these studies have, unanimously, and without deviation over fifty years, pointed to the conclusion that the vast, eclipsing proportion of the population of Great Britain (God save the Queen!) have not read anything beyond a brand name upon a cereal box.

I would never advocate the decadence of Shakespeare, or the Marxism of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, to anyone within my family; however, I suppose that reading even the drivel of those two would be worthwhile to the minds of this once great nation. (For posterity: Our nation lost its status as “great” with the reforms advocated by that socialist scum Charles Dickens.) It is all for naught, however: Due to the omnipresent television box, the average Briton has the memory span of a functionally retarded gnat. Within seconds, the lessons learned from any tome would be forgotten and replaced by the actions of the dandy celebrity class. Bastards.

If I were forced to recommend an author to the People, it would be GK Chesterton. The man was a God-fearing Briton who knew the place of the People (subjugated under the feet of the aristocracy) and knew the proper threat of the anarchists. Other than that luminous intellect, I suppose the works of Ayn Rand (though a Jewess by birth and possibly of Slavic origins) would suffice.

5. They Breed With The Frequency of Insects

This is perhaps the greatest threat to Great Britain (God save the Queen!) since that insufferable yogi named Ghandi. Though the numbers of our study have not yet been processed by the slaves chained to IBM thinking machines, my associates and I feel safe saying that, at the current birthrate, the lower classes shall fill the crust of the Earth with mouth-breathing imbeciles by November 6th, 2012.

Luckily, our engineers (also chained to IBM thinking machines) have created schematics for floating cities above the clouds, where we may continue to thrive, create culture and industry, and rule the lower classes without the fools even realise we are doing so. However, until that day, I suppose I shall have to continue to hire security detachments and kill squads to patrol my grounds and eliminate trespassers. It is such a shame that ammunition is so expensive.

Standard

Posted by

Posted on

February 16, 2011

Posted under

Short Stories

Comments

Leave a comment

Missing The Point: The World’s Smallest Violin

From: Tasha Banks
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 9:45 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: Words smallest violin

Hi everybody

The funniest thing happened this morning. Tucker (tyou know my son) was whining about not havin his homework done tryin to get me to do it for him,  is aid that I didn’t have time since I was about to have to take him to day care and that he shouldn’t have stayed up all night playin video games! Then he said ‘you told me I could’ and I said nothing, just played the worlds smallest violin!

LOL 😉

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 10:00 AM
To: Tasha Banks; _EVERYONE
Subject: RE: Words smallest violin

Wow.

That was the most meaningful commentary on lackluster parenting I’ve read since reading the unnecessary backlash against The Battle Hymn of The Tiger Mother. I didn’t know that you were capable of such a scathing indictment of both our education system, and the seeming inability of the modern American parent to deal with their child’s incessant demands for artificial stimulation. (I know, that sounded, ah, not right; but it wasn’t meant to be that way.)

I know when I was a kid, and my parents found out that I didn’t do my homework because I was up all night playing video games, they shouted at me, told me that I was a disappointment to everyone who fought and died for our country so I could have the freedom to live without working in a factory, then, if that didn’t reduce me to tears, they threatened to beat me with a length of rubber hose in time to “Seek and Destroy,” which is a very fast song if you didn’t know. I’d thought that sort of mentality was nonexistent here in the Southeast, where education is seen as a liberal elite thing, to be only partaken of in the coasts. Good to see I’ve been proven wrong.

I’m not certain why the violin is seen as a sad-sounding instrument, are you? I mean, really, one only needs to watch this video and understand the sublime nature of what can be accomplished with the instrument.

Regards,
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist, Graphic Designer

From: Tasha Gordon
Sent: Friday, February 4, 2011, 10:11 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Words smallest violin

What are you talking about? I don’t know what that book is what does a tiger have to do with being a parent? Are you calling me a bad parent? My son is very smart he thinks school is boring and leanrs more history from video games than they teach in school like how there was a plaot to kill JFK and Castro and it was organized by a secret organization.

If you had problems with your parents I don’t know what youre doing talking to me about it and are you saying im not educated? I went to Macon County Community College probably better than wherever you went at least I managed to get out of the house LOL

What was that video? It was boring if I wanted to see a bunch of people spazzing out id go somewhere where people spaz out all the time. That wasn’t even music music is the new lady gaga single. You should check it out and learn something about music.

Continue reading →