It’s been a while since I’ve had anything to post on here. Sorry for that. I guess. (I haven’t checked my stats in a while, so God only knows if anyone loads the site on days when I don’t post anything. [And no, man, I’m not going to, like, check that shit. I got stuff to do.])
Anyway, it hit me this morning as I was walking out of the restroom that people really need me to tell them how to live their lives. I mean, come on. I graduated Phi Beta Kappa, am a published author (yay), and have been to other countries. You don’t get much cooler than me.
So with that in mind, I thought about it and realized that I have two pieces of advice for people:
Be as Dudelike as you can
If you’re playing Pyro, friggen airblast people when they’re on fire
He cares, deep down inside.
Then I realized that would make for a shitty blog post, so I decided that I’d come up with some stuff that actually mirrors the rare occasions that I have a fully coherent thought. (FACT: It’s taken me six days to write this many words.)
So I did what came naturally and decided to base things off of my family. Names omitted because, well, yeah. Continue reading →
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Monday, January 9, 2012 9:34 AM To: _EVERYONE Subject: FYI: From The New York Times
Nursing Homes To Patients: “Meh”
Nursing homes have been making the news for tragic reasons more than anything else. Recently, in a nursing home in Tennessee, an orderly broke a resident’s legs and then left that resident in their room, screaming, for six hours while “on break.”
The orderly was quoted as saying, “Bitch deserved it.”
This isn’t an isolated case. In nursing homes across the country, staff are abusing residents in record numbers for perceived injustices perpetrated against them by residents and management.
In Oregon, two orderlies took a paraplegic resident on a walking path and then stole his wheelchair to pawn for “drinking money.”
The nursing home has not reprimanded the orderlies other than telling them, “Do it quietly next time,” according to in-house memoranda forwarded to the New York Times by concerned staff.
Local law enforcement are reticent to step in and put a stop to the matter because, according to a police chief in Mississippi, “I got my mother-in-law in one a them homes. Reckon they’re the reason she can’t speak no more, but, hell, they did me a favor.”
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Monday, January 9, 2012 10:13 AM To: Rhonda Langley Subject: FYI
FYI:
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Guy
“Shut up and let me finish my Goddamn drink.”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Monday, January 9, 2012 10:20 AM To: Aaron Simon Subject: RE: FYI
What? I don’t get it.
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 9:30 AM To: _EVERYONE Subject: FYI: From The New York Times
POTUS’s New Head on Older Americans Relations: “Lolwut?”
The President’s new appointee to the position of Head on Older Americans Relations, an oversight position dealing mainly with various Federal Department of Human Services offices across the country, has come out as utterly clueless about his job.
“I hate the elderly,” he said in his introductory remarks to the press. “They smell. They’re self-entitled. They’re frail. I hate weakness.”
He went on to detail his plans for the future in the three-hour long press conference.
“I’m going to push for a three-strikes-you’re-out rule. After the third time an older American complains, they’re cut off from Medicare. Let’s see how they like the taste of that shit.”
Unsurprisingly, the AARP has reacted negatively to the appointee’s statements, calling him, among other things, “Hitler.”
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 9:45 AM To: Rhonda Langley Subject: FYI
FYI:
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Dude
Interblags Ruler
“Damn your eyes.”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 10:02 AM To: Aaron Simon Subject: RE: FYI
What am I looking at?
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:02 AM To: _EVERYONE Subject: FYI: From The New York Times
Romney Kicks The Elderly, Aide Says
Latest news from the campaign trail: A former campaign aide for Mitt Romney has come to the New York Times with shocking allegations that Romney has a history of breaking into nursing facilities and kicking the elderly while they sleep.
The aide, who asked to remain anonymous, said that she witnessed Mr. Romney break into three different facilities in three different states and go on what can only be described as “a serial kicking spree.”
The facilities have denied that they have any knowledge of the Presidential hopeful’s alleged elderly kicking, but it has recently come to light that several facilities have had financial windfalls that may or may not be traced to Mitt Romney’s former companies.
When reached for comment, the Head of the Older Americans Relations said, “If he loses, I might have him on staff.” He then laughed uproariously.
Mr. Romney’s campaign did not respond to requests for an interview.
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:04 AM To: Rhonda Langley Subject: FYI
FYI:
—-
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Guy
Too Old For This Shit
“Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:12 AM To: Aaron Simon Subject: RE: FYI
Why do you keep sending me these things?
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:23 AM To: Rhonda Langley Subject: RE: RE: FYI
FYI:
—-
Aaron Simon
Guitar Shredder
“Jumbo paper clips smooth steel finish”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:40 AM To: Aaron Simon Subject: RE: RE: FYI
…
Okay…
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 9:52 AM To: Aaron Simon Subject: FYI: From The New York Times
AARP To Members: “Take up arms!”
After the events of this week, the AARP has sent out a newsletter to its members advising that they “[t]ake up arms against the greatest threat to the elderly in the history of the world.”
Though the AARP has not called for violence, certain human rights’ groups are concerned that the call to arms will inevitably lead to bloodshed. “We’re fucked, man!” private Hudson of the Marines said, “That’s it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?”
The President has called for clear heads, while his appointed Head of Older Americans Relations has called this “Just the opportunity I’ve been looking for.”
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 9:54 AM To: Rhonda Langley Subject: FYI
I thought it might boost camaraderie and the whole morale thing if I were to send a holiday letter out to the office.
You see, it would appear that a large number of you do not like me. I cannot understand why, as we’ve had such a great year, you and I. Like the time I offered to start up a daycare service, but all of you spat in my face. Or when I suggested obliterating a window across the street with a cannon to free pigeons—and was, once again, spat upon. Or maybe the time I offered to sell one of you a very nice handbag purchased from a special source in South America. And was spat upon.
No matter. It’s all in the past, as they say. I hold no grudges, as grudges tend to turn into wishes for obliteration, and there are times—though I have never had anything like that—when those wishes come to fruition. Thus, there is nothing to worry about. Nor will there be.
How to summarize this year? It’s been an interesting one, you can count on that. It started when I was the subject of police brutality in Chicago. They were under the impression that I was “stalking” someone, when I was really ensuring that the girl in question made it to her apartment safely. I’ve just finished with my physical therapy, so there’s that.
After that, in February, there was the unfortunate incident on the Nashville MTA on the day of the Ice Hell. You know what I mean: That day when the entire city lost its collective mind and there was naught but chaos on the streets. It took the bus eight hours to make it down West End Avenue. No matter how many times I apologized to my fellow bus riders for trampling the elderly man who works for the state, they would not cease calling for my public stoning.
No matter. They will have their comeuppance. And, you know, it’s not like the old man didn’t recover. He may still be unable to walk, but I’ve heard that he can ingest food now. So there’s that.
Since then, I received the news that my liver is half-way deteriorated. This was not the best possible outcome of my forced physical (thanks, Obama), but I suppose it was an important thing to learn. The doctor gave me a prescription of pills that, he said, were supposed to contribute to the regrowth of my liver. Of course, that did not happen. Instead, I found that whenever I walked outside into direct sunlight, my skin would erupt into hundreds of tiny bumps.
I then went to a dermatologist to have it checked out. He took one look at me and said, “Your liver is shot.” I asked about the bumps on my skin, and he responded with a simple shrug. “It might be your body shutting down,” he said.
I’m sure that this is proof that there is no God in the Christian sense. One who loves His creations and does whatever it takes to be a benevolent deity. It does not, however, rule out the existence of the Old Testament God, my people’s God, who could be diagnosed with anger problems. It is entirely possible that Adonai has seen the way I’ve acted (read: not going to shul every week) and has decided that the only course of action possible is to smite me in a horrible way.
So, that in mind, I’ve decided to sod the medical advice of my doctor—whose pills have resulted in what seem to be some horrid condition not entirely different from what I would imagine the plague would have been like—and dive into whiskey at any available opportunity.
Thus, I would like to announce the creation of a philanthropic organization: The Aaron Simon Society For Those Who Want To Die In An Alcoholic Haze. The mission of the charity will be to provide the finest liquor to those with terminal diseases who, like me, have just given up. Ideally, the charity would provide only scotch, but I recognize that not everyone has my refined palate. So, the non-profit’s cabinets will stock vodka, gin, tequila, and any other available liquor including wine.
If you are interested in donating, please contact me and I will forward you information. (NOTE: This is not a tax-deductible organization. The bastards in Washington have the antiquated belief that a man does not have the right to commit suicide by drinking, and have thus contacted me and said that my charity will not have any support from Washington. Let’s see any of them get whiskey from me when they have cancer of the bowels.)
Since I received that news, I’ve been attempting to wheel my life more towards a Dudelike existence. I should say that all of you make it obscenely hard to abide. With your incessant demands to “do work” and “stop harassing your coworkers with vague threats,” one would think that this is not meant to be a friendly work environment.
Well, other than that, it’s been a slow year. Coming into this fluorescent-lit hell every day and seeing my soul slowly deteriorate to nothing more than a puddle at the bottom of the shell that once housed a man who wanted nothing more than to make millions off of novel writing, and then squander all those millions on prostitutes, whiskey, and drugs, eventually fading out to a spark of what once was and then dying, alone and alienated, in the gutter. A modern-day Poe.
Have yourself a good holiday, whatever it is.
Sincerely,
Aaron Simon
P.S. Ted Hayward: You are only receiving this e-mail because it would take too much time to take you off of the list. “EVERYONE” includes you, and you should feel glad that I am too lazy to select everyone but you. If I were to write a letter specifically to you, it would consist of nothing more than photographs of the dead.
Aaron C Simon 
