An Abandoned Script

From time to time, I send scripts to Jon Lim, but he’s too much of a successful type to run them. I hold no grudge against him for getting one step closer to internet famous, but it does make me drink.

Anyway, since this particular script is a bit too untimely, I figured I’d just toss it up on the site. If anyone wants to draw it, have at it! (Stick figures welcome.)

Panel One

Night shot of the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center, all decked out in its multicolored, bright, tall glory. A large crowd is gathered, taking pictures of it. Buildings in the background. The whole scene screams, “New York!” and “Christmas!” and “Holy shit, that’s a big tree!”

CAP:
Christmas time is rapidly approaching.

CAP:
It’s a time for family.

CAP:
Friends.

Panel Two

Mr. Writer Man, scraggly beard, black sweater torn up, and khakis stained, glasses broken, sits in a corner of a lowly-lit, windowless room. He clutches a bottle of liquor (with three Xs handwritten on the front of it) and weeps.

CAP:
Or getting shithoused if you have neither.

Panel Three

The exterior of a shopping mall in the daylight. The parking lot is full and people walk in and out of the front doors. Huge wreaths hang above the doors, and a Christmas tree perches on top of the building.

CAP:
It’s also becoming a secular holiday…

CAP:
…which means all religions can celebrate it.

CAP:
Let’s look at how, shall we?

Panel Four

A WASPy family in the middle of a huge living room, equipped with a long wooden dining table, fireplace off to the side, and a large Christmas tree decked out in ornaments and lights. A hoard of gifts sits underneath. A white angel sits on the top of the tree. In the center of the table, a baked ham sits on top of a white dish, with dressings, biscuits off to the side, and lots of casseroles. Everyone around the table is showing signs of having a good time.

CAP:
The Christians celebrate the holiday normally. Family, friends, and a feast.

Panel Five

A different house with a slightly smaller living room and a round table, covered in a white tablecloth. A couple of floor lamps near the walls illuminate the room. Drawings of rabbis hunched over Torah scrolls and dancing around decorate the walls. A couple of bookshelves against the walls, near curtained windows, filled with books and bits of Judaica. There are four people sitting around the table: The father, a tall, lanky, balding man in black trousers and a white shirt; a son, around fifteen years old, wearing a Dave Matthews t-shirt and jeans; the mother, an attractive woman with glasses, a puffy head of black hair, wearing a black dress and pearls; and the daughter, who looks around ten years old, wearing a nondescript t-shirt and jeans. In front of each of them is a plate, on which sits a pile of noodles and some chicken in sauce. Behind each plate is a Chinese take-away container and a bottle of water. In the center, we have a bottle of Manishewitz.

CAP:
But how do the Jews celebrate?

SON:
Dad, why are we having Christmas dinner?

FATHER:
Think of it as the lost ninth day of Hanukkah.

SON:
That’s stup–

MOTHER:
Quiet and eat your Chinese before it gets cold.

Panel Six

The interior of a room inside a Buddhist temple. A wizened old man in black robes sits in the Lotus position on top of a mat against the paper walls. Next to him is a gong. In front of him, a novice monk sits Lotus on a mat as well. His hands are clasped in front of him.

CAP:
What about the Buddhists?

NOVICE:
Sensei, why do we not have a Christmas meal? Surely the Buddha would not have disapproved.

SENSEI:
This is true, but Christmas leads to material desire, and desire leads to suffering….

SENSEI:
Also, tofu ham is a total bummer.

Panel Seven

A dark room, black curtains shutting out light. Candles on the floor illuminate a red pentagram. A group of cowled figures stands around it with their hands outstretched. A headless chicken lays sprawled out in the center.

CAP:
How ’bout the Satanists?

COWLED FIGURE 1:
Mom, this is ridiculous.

MOM:
Son, we’re doing it ironically. This’ll totally get the Baptists in a tizzy.

Panel Eight

A giant blur. Kind of able to make out the vague form of some columns, perhaps a tall bearded man with a turban, and a bunch of women around him, but it’s not entirely clear. A stamp of ‘NOT APPROVED’ appears in front of the scene.

CAP:
We were going to explore the Muslim traditions…

CAP:
…but our lawyers advice us against it.

Panel Nine

A very irate individual leaning forward and pointing at the viewer. He looks similar to Henry Rollins, except even more veiny than when Rollins is ranting. He wears a tight black t-shirt and has a neck tattoo of flames.

CAP:
The Athiests?

ATHEIST:
It’s winter festival, you shit!

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