The Handicraftsman’s Guide to Painting

Now, some of you might not know this, but I am a master Handicraftsman. (You know handy-mans and craftsmans? They’re below the rarely-obtained level of Handicraftsman. It’s kind of like the super-secret ├╝ber black-belt in karate. In fact, we make the Freemasons look like chumps.) I rarely show people the extent of my abilities, since, if I did, I’d be out there painting and building everything people ask me to. Which would be a lot.

My last project.

If you doubt me, here is a picture of one of my constructions. You may question why the picture is in black-and-white, and my answer would be: Because in order to showcase that which is art, you must present it as art. Note the subtle use of nouveau-trash. I bet you don’t even know about that architecture style. Don’t feel bad, not many people do. It’s French. The structure – which I refer to as the Irony Heap – took four months of planning, three months to construct the frame, and an additional three months to construct the exterior. Yes, ten months may seem a long time to spend on a single construction, but I assure you: When you’re a Handicraftsman, time becomes something that’s secondary to perfection.

But I’m not coming at you today to talk about how to build something so striking as the Irony Heap. I’m here to talk to you today about the proper way to paint the exterior of a home. Or, if you need to, a car. They’re one and the same thing, and you use the same paint to cover each of them.

You see, my Mom is painting the front doors of her condo in Nashville and, as her son, I realized that it was my duty to help her. (Well, she told me this would take the place of rent, so it’s very much the same thing.) Without further ado – or, adieu, ah ha, ha – I present the Handicraftsman’s Guide to Painting.

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