This is a new post.
I was going to do something that wasn’t crap, but then I walked a tenth of a mile in the 101-degree weather outside and decided “Screw that” right about the time I saw all the liquid that makes up my body seep out of my pores.
Category Archives: Uncategorized
A Dispatch from Field Reporter Josh Robinson
Nation Mourns as President Obama Confesses to Plagiarizing Speeches
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The nation was shocked today as news broke that President Barack Obama has been delivering speeches whose content plagiarizes famous songs from the 1970s.
While many Americans could not believe the Commander-In-Chief was capable of such an act, some claim they had their suspicions about the originality of the his material.
Such doubts arose when President Obama delivered a speech at a rally in South Dakota last month. John Freeland, a farmer who attended the rally said, “When he was talking about how he wanted us to join a convoy that was ‘truckin’ across the USA’, I figured he was just trying to unify us a people. You know, get us to stop fighting amongst ourselves and come together.”In actuality, Mr. Obama was simply reciting lyrics from the 1975 song “Convoy” by CW McCall.
Then, later that month, at a speaking engagement at Gonzaga University in Spokane, Washington, the President announced that he would rock the crowd.
“I was really pumped up,” said Brian Murphy, a Gonzaga graduate student. “I felt like [President Obama] could get anything done. Then, he told us that he had paid his dues, time after time. I thought he was assuring us that he had the experience necessary to get the job done–despite what some of the press was saying. I guess I was wrong.”
President Obama was in actuality reciting the words of Queen’s lead singer Freddy Mercury in their hit song “We Will Rock You”, released in October of 1977 on their album News of the World.
President Obama, when reached for comment, claimed Vice President Joe Biden suggested the strategy.
He has not been the first politician to face scrutiny for suspicions of plagiarism. Some believe the reason Senator John Kerry did not win the Presidential Election in 2004 was due to attempts to use Creedence Clearwater Revival lyrics as speeches, a move which many of his aides advised against.
On Ill-Gotten Gains
We had a “Big Meeting” yesterday. It’s just what it seems: A big meeting consisting of everyone in our division getting together and hearing about the ways our role is continuously shrinking due to the state slowly moving towards a libertarian paradise where no one is given help.
(Pro-tip: If you’re old, sick, poor, or have kids, don’t live in Tennessee. Otherwise, it’s great.)
At one point during the meeting, someone brought up a point about how certain, unnamed organizations are possibly profiting off their unethical modes of operation. As I work in social work, and this work tends to attract semi-idealists (the polar opposite of the business world, where, in order to be a success, one must be a douchenozzle), the entire gathered mass expressed their dismay in one way or another. Generally speaking, this meant calling the unnamed organizations “douchenozzle,” or some variant thereof.
However, one person shouted, “I’ts that Satan money, I’m tellin ya.”
As very little in these meetings applies to me, I immediately set to sketching a model for Satan money.
And today, after finishing my work like a good employee, I opened up Paint and Picasa and set to work.
This is the result:
Above: The face of profit.
Should go with saying that that’s on a Creative Commons attribution not-for-sale license.
Make it viral, my friends.
Aaron C Simon 