Category Archives: Short Stories

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February 7, 2011

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Short Stories

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Wherein I Apologize for My Actions

So, this is awkward.

I guess I’d better apologize for everything in chronological order. First off: Barton, I’m sorry for calling your girlfriend “a sub-mental troglodyte who advocates the sexual assault of women who hang around in bars.” I was really keyed up to see the Steelers lose, and she was the only person in the apartment wearing Steelers gear. Something in me snapped, and I’m not proud of it, so… well, sorry.

Sorry, Dana, that was really horrible of me. I’m sure you don’t support rape, since that would be absurd–even if you defended the Black-Eyed Peas, which we’ll get to later, I’m sure. Still, you are a troglodyte for watching Jersey Shore instead of, say, well, anything that takes half a brain to enjoy. Just calling the shots as I see ’em.

And, once again, sorry to Barton. Calling you “dickless” for not having buffalo wings at your party was a jerk thing to say. I’m sure you had a good reason for replacing the usual buffalo wings with a ball of cheddar cheese–cause hey, that was pretty good, even if it got awkward when Steph said she was lactose intolerant and we looked at each other because I dropped some cheese in her Coke, which she drank. (Sorry, Steph. My fault you spent the night in the hospital.) Referring to you for the rest of the night as Barton the Fairy might have been off-color as well.
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January 28, 2011

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Short Stories

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Taking Responsibility

It’s time to come clean about something. As you might suppose, I’m really, really hesitant to do this, since I’m not proud of the things I’ve done, and I wouldn’t expect anyone to sympathize, or empathize, with my actions. I apologize to all of my friends and family for the actions which I have committed, and their repercussions, which have changed the fabric of my life, and the lives of many others, for years to come. Until I saw the consequences of my actions come to fruition, and the lives of many drastically altered by them, I did not believe that anything one person could do would have an effect on the world, but, well, there you go.

I am responsible for the recent uprisings in the Arab world, as well as every incident that led up to them.

I’m sorry.

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January 12, 2011

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The Weather in North Dakota

From: Steve Tetley
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2011 8:38 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: FW: [Weather In North Dakota]

I just got off the phone with a friend in North Dakota.

He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping below zero and the north wind is increasing. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2011 8:45 AM
To: Steve Tetley
Subject: RE: FW: [Weather In North Dakota]

Dear Steve,

Thanks for sending that e-mail and sharing your concern with everyone.

I understand that, since your friend is living in North Dakota, he may have some issues to work out re: the government, civilized society, and anything other than bison and/or deer, but, frankly, I agree with you in that such behavior is unacceptable.

Would you care to pass along your friend’s address? I have some friends in the FBI who might be interested in talking to this man about certain laws regarding purposeful human endangerment.

Best,

Aaron Simon

From: Steve Tetley
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2011 9:01 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: FW: [Weather In North Dakota]

No.

It was a joke I was forwarded on a list that I am on. Do not send anything to FBI. There is no need. No one is in the cold.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2011 9:32 AM
To: Steve Tetley
Subject: RE: RE: RE: FW: [Weather In North Dakota]

Dear Steve,

I understand humor, and that was not humor. Spousal abuse is not a joking matter, and being sent out into the cold like that certainly does not qualify as humor. I understand that you’re concerned about the well-being of your friend in North Dakota, but you should also be concerned about the welfare of his wife—regardless of your potentially sexist views on marriage, though I’m not overtly calling you sexist.

Since I, too, care about my friends, I would go to the same lengths to protect them—however, I would not stoop to actions which would cause harm to another person. (I would recommend reading the thoughts and sayings of Guatama Buddha for further insight into other branches of philosophy; specifically those which condemn spousal abuse.) In such a vein, I have forwarded your e-mail to my friend in the FBI, Agent Danny Yudavitch. I would suspect that you would hear from him soon.

Regards,

Aaron

From: Steve Tetley
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2011 9:43 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: FW: [Weather In North Dakota]

Your joking, rite?

From: Daniel Yudavitch
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2011 10:48 AM
To: Steve Tetley

CC: Aaron Simon; Fred Yeats
Subject: Case: ND-SA-3291011

Dear Mr. Tetley,

Aaron Simon forwarded me your e-mail this morning. While he has the best of intentions, he never has possessed the best knowledge of how law enforcement works. Since this is not a federal case, I cannot directly be involved in it, as it is outside of my jurisdiction.

However, I have taken the liberty of copying in a friend of mine who is a sheriff in Burleigh County, North Dakota. I’m sure he will be more than interested in helping out with this case.

Regards,

Daniel Yudavitch

Field Agent

Federal Bureau of Investigation

From: Fred Yeats
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2011 10:48 AM
To: Steve Tetley

CC: Daniel Yudavitch; Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: Case: ND-SA-3291011

Dear Mr. Tetley,

Picking up from Danny’s e-mail: Deader than a dead dog out here, even despite the weather, so I figure I can get something rolling on your friend’s case.

What’s your friend’s address and phone number so I can help his wife.

Yours,

Fred Yeats

Sheriff

Burleigh County

From: Steve Tetley
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2011 10:51 AM
To: Fred Yeats
Subject: RE: RE: Case: ND-SA-3291011

I don’t have a friend in north dakota I don’t know anyone there. Please don’t email me again this is a waste of time

From: Fred Yeats
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2011 10:55 AM
To: Steve Tetley

CC: Tom McQueen
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Case: ND-SA-3291011

Boy, this ain’t something you screw around with. Give me the address or I’ll figure out a way to hit you with obstruction of justice.

Fred

Sheriff

Burleigh County

From: Tom McQueen
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2011 2:35 PM
To: Steve Tetley

CC: Fred Yeats
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Case: ND-SA-3291011

Dear Mr. Tetley,

This is Tom McQueen, Sheriff’s Deputy. At 11:32 AM, CT, we responded to help a local police department with a domestic abuse case.

By the time we arrived at the scene, the perpetrator was in custody and his wife was pronounced deceased due to extreme hypothermia resulting from prolonged exposure to the elements and is currently en route to Burleigh County Morgue.

We put two and two together and figured out that this was your friend and his wife. Currently, we are looking into options in prosecuting your friend for domestic abuse, obstruction of justice, assaulting a police officer, and first degree murder – and possibly yourself, for obstruction of justice and third-degree murder.

Sheriff Yeats wanted me to hold off alerting you to this, due to the severe nature of the crime, but I thought it was only basic decency that you should be told to prepare an adequate legal defense.

May God be with you, cause the state of North Dakota sure won’t.

Tom McQueen

Sheriff’s Deputy

Burleigh County

From: Steve Tetley
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2011 2:39 PM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: A bad joke

Point has been proven. Wont forward jokes anymore.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, January 12, 2011 2:39 PM
To: Steve Tetley; _EVERYONE
Subject: A bad joke

lol