Conversations with My Appliances: The Toaster


Me: You’re a real piece of shit, you know that?


Me: Look, just work with me. You’re the only toaster I’ve got, and microwaving a bagel is heresy. Please just toast the bagel instead of popping it up immediately after I press the lever.

Toaster: I’m the one with the power in this relationship. You work on my rules.

Me: I could junk you at any moment.

Toaster: But you won’t. You live in Portland. I have electronics in me.

Me: I’m going to write about this.

Toaster: You are? That’s incredibly threatening to me. Okay, I’ll beh–oh wait. You’re on a break. A writing break. Because “I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

Me: [silence]

Toaster: It must be rough. Not writing, that is. How’s that feeling?

Me: Fuck you. [Sets level from 3 to 3.2. Presses lever]

Toast immediately pops up, burned.


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