From: Darlene Burns
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:13 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: tickets

i have three extra tickets to the southern womens show at bridgestone arena they are five$ each (ten$) at the door.

Darlene Burns
Fiscal Specialist

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:45 AM
To: Darlene Burns
Subject: tickets

Dear Darlene,

Will there be hoops? Who are the judges? As I’m sure you know, these sorts of questions are very important as if the wrong judges are present, then there will be problems such as inherent bias, which may mean the better contestant may not win.

-Aaron Simon
Enrollment Guy

From: Darlene Burns
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:50 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: tickets

What? I don’t think i understand what you’re talking about LOL 🙂

Darlene Burns
Fiscal Specialist

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 7:53 AM
To: Darlene Burns
Subject: tickets

Darlene:

Yes you do. This is a Southern Women’s Show, is it not? I imagine that there will be a few different competitions like obedience, that bit where women are paraded around in circles while judges look over their poise and form, and then that bit where judges look at women’s gums.

I’ve always been an avid follower of Southern Women’s Shows and would really like to check out the one in Nashville, but would prefer getting a preview of sorts before buying a ticket. So: Hoops, judges, what?

-Aaron Simon
Watcher of Southern Women

From: Darlene Burns
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 8:30 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: tickets

I don’t think I get where you’re coming from seriously. Are you suggesting this is a dog show, but for women?

Darlene Burns
Fiscal Specialist

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 9:25 AM
To: Darlene Burns
Subject: tickets

Yep, you’ve nailed it. That’s been the case with every Southern Women’s Show I’ve been to in the past. I’m confused as to what you think this would be–some sort of fashion show? Laughable. No. This will probably be a very competitive example, I bet.

The last Southern Women’s Show I went to in Nashville (a few years ago) had involved a sell-off of the unspoken-for women at the end of the show. Obviously, the winners were much more expensive than the losers, as they proved they were more pliable and had more experience than the losers. A friend of mine bought a Southern Woman for $450 and said that he was getting a good deal.

I ordered her to cook for us one night, and she did not know how to cook grits. I said he was ripped off, since that seems like it’s a very Southern Woman sort of thing to know how to do. Turns out she was one of the losers of the competition (only jumped through one hoop and did not own enough freakishly large Easter hats to qualify for the semifinals), so I definitely know he got ripped off.

Will there be a grits-cooking competition at the Southern Women’s Show?

-Aaron
Sometimes Eats Grits

From: Darlene Burns
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 11:15 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: tickets

Sorry to tell you, but the tickets sold out.

SORRY!!!!

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 11:31 AM
To: Darlene Burns
Subject: tickets

That’s okay.

I bought tickets to the Columbia, South Carolina Southern Women’s Show.

Aaron Simon
Reaching For Titles, Here