The Many Retorts of Samson

Samson makes an intelligent comeback

If I could put another section on my website, it would be “The Many Rejected Stories,” and, brothers, it would be massive. This is one such rejected story.

See, a while ago – I think my junior, senior year at UT – I was fixated on getting something published in something related to McSweeney’s. I was convinced that if “Aaron Simon” appeared in the table of contents of that magazine – or its internet offspring – would turn me into an overnight millionaire. I managed to delude myself so much that I worked it into the story “Rocks and Hot Dogs.” The first draft had a throwaway line that read something like, “He managed to make a living selling short stories.” My fiction prof at the time, Margaret Lazarus Dean, helpfully scrawled, “No, he couldn’t…” in the margin, and my illusions about writing as a way to make money money were shattered.

Anyway. During that deluge, I was writing a piece of flash fiction a day, and one of the pieces was what you’re about to read. It was rejected within a day, but, hey, their loss, right?

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Rush Limbaugh Goes to The Celebration of Cultures

Happiness abounds.

So Nashville just put on a festival called The Celebration of Cultures. For a city its size and reputation (middle-sized city and country music extravaganza), it was a very satisfying celebration of every international portion of the city. From the Indian restaurants to the Mongolian restaurant down on 4th Avenue, to Chinese buffets, to Japanese sushi bars, to Mexican tacquerias.

It was a great time, with plenty of world music, food, and, yes, my friends, hats. And, even better, it was free. Set in front of Nashville’s facsimile of the Parthenon, you got a sense of how, exactly, Nashville’s setting its sights on being more than the home of country music. (If nothing else, attracting more people to the city to get some more money to pay for the flood damage that the city’s still working on. Speaking of which, come visit Nashville! There are some really good bars here!)

So, as you’re probably guessing, I went to the festival. Brad was volunteering at the Japan booth, so I popped by, said hi, got some really good tikka masala, and wandered around for a good long time. Heard some pretty good music ranging from Creole jazz to Bulgarian folk; saw some creepy old people dancing like geriatric Jews at a wedding; smelled the smells of gyros everywhere, and watched as dogs tried to dash madly at dropped food.

And then, as I walked around in my straw Jamaican hat getting dirty looks from people, I got a Horrible Idea. Originally, I thought of it as “How to Enrage People,” but then decided, screw it, I’d take a potshot at Limbaugh. Brad wondered why I kept picking on Republicans. I responded that I don’t pick on Republicans, I pick on idiots; a great number of which happen to be in the Republican Party. Anyway, without further ado, save being after the jump, I present you with a choice selection of what would go through Rush Limbaugh’s mind if he went through Nashville’s Celebration of Cultures.

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Published Story!

A golem being chiseled

Quick note here:

A month or so ago, I wrote a story (imaginatively called “Adam’s Story”) about a golem. Adam, the golem, talks about how difficult his life is. In addition, we’re treated to a few scenes from a support group for supernatural beings, including a Sasquatch, a banshee, and a gorgon. Essentially, it reads like a stand-up bit from Woody Allen.

It’s going to appear in Groanology 2. More details when the Table of Contents for the anthology is released.

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