I got a voice mail from a female asking me to return the telephone call to 573-1729. The only other thing I could understand on this message was “this is very important to me, have a blessed day.” When I attempted to return the telephone call, I explained to her that she had left a message, but I couldn’t understand the rest of the voice mail and I was returning her telephone call. She told me that if I didn’t know who I was calling, I had the wrong number. The person I spoke with was clearly the same person that left the voice mail. I have no recollection of anyone with this number and think I may have gotten the voicemail by mistake. Have any of you all attempted to make contact with someone at this number? I sure don’t want her to fall through the cracks!
Darlene-Lynn Brown
Employed Vagabond
From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 9:52 AM
To: Darlene-Lynn Brown
Subject: RE: Missed a phone call???!!(!)
Darlene:
I’m so, super psyched that you felt the need to tell us that you received a phone call. Here I was, wondering whether or not Darlene keeps her work phone hooked up throughout the day, and then, verily, the Lord blesses me with an answer in the form of a missed call. Truly, we live in Holy times.
Often, I receive odd calls. Sometimes, they are in Spanish, as it turns out that the previous owner of my cell phone number was an immigration lawyer. Now, the only foreign language I can speak is French, and—even then—I sound like a mentally deficient five year old. (Or, alternatively, you. I’m joking. Or am I?) So, naturally, being as compelled as I am to get in contact with these people, I will return their phone call, but only to shout, “JE NE PARLE PAS ESPAGNOL! JE NE PARLE PAS ESPAGNOL!” The people then start shouting in Spanish, and I have to continue shouting in French until either my throat starts bleeding or they hang up. Generally, after that, they don’t call again. May I suggest trying that?
I have a very important question for you, and I want you to devote all of your mental faculties to answering it: In your wall of text, you mention that a female called you. My question is this:
A female of what species?
Darlene, I know you are Southern, and thus believe science is some Satan-led plot to destroy Christianity, but you must realize that a female of any species other than homo sapiens using the telephone would be earth shattering. The way we view life would change monumentally and it would be you in the spot-light.
Maybe you could afford some language classes so you wouldn’t tack on an extra eight syllables to every word. You know. Food for thought.
Anyway, please let me know. Unlike you, I have many friends in the hard sciences would would be absolutely pumped to hear about this sort of stuff.
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Monday, January 9, 2012 9:34 AM To: _EVERYONE Subject: FYI: From The New York Times
Nursing Homes To Patients: “Meh”
Nursing homes have been making the news for tragic reasons more than anything else. Recently, in a nursing home in Tennessee, an orderly broke a resident’s legs and then left that resident in their room, screaming, for six hours while “on break.”
The orderly was quoted as saying, “Bitch deserved it.”
This isn’t an isolated case. In nursing homes across the country, staff are abusing residents in record numbers for perceived injustices perpetrated against them by residents and management.
In Oregon, two orderlies took a paraplegic resident on a walking path and then stole his wheelchair to pawn for “drinking money.”
The nursing home has not reprimanded the orderlies other than telling them, “Do it quietly next time,” according to in-house memoranda forwarded to the New York Times by concerned staff.
Local law enforcement are reticent to step in and put a stop to the matter because, according to a police chief in Mississippi, “I got my mother-in-law in one a them homes. Reckon they’re the reason she can’t speak no more, but, hell, they did me a favor.”
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Monday, January 9, 2012 10:13 AM To: Rhonda Langley Subject: FYI
FYI:
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Guy
“Shut up and let me finish my Goddamn drink.”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Monday, January 9, 2012 10:20 AM To: Aaron Simon Subject: RE: FYI
What? I don’t get it.
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 9:30 AM To: _EVERYONE Subject: FYI: From The New York Times
POTUS’s New Head on Older Americans Relations: “Lolwut?”
The President’s new appointee to the position of Head on Older Americans Relations, an oversight position dealing mainly with various Federal Department of Human Services offices across the country, has come out as utterly clueless about his job.
“I hate the elderly,” he said in his introductory remarks to the press. “They smell. They’re self-entitled. They’re frail. I hate weakness.”
He went on to detail his plans for the future in the three-hour long press conference.
“I’m going to push for a three-strikes-you’re-out rule. After the third time an older American complains, they’re cut off from Medicare. Let’s see how they like the taste of that shit.”
Unsurprisingly, the AARP has reacted negatively to the appointee’s statements, calling him, among other things, “Hitler.”
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 9:45 AM To: Rhonda Langley Subject: FYI
FYI:
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Dude
Interblags Ruler
“Damn your eyes.”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 10:02 AM To: Aaron Simon Subject: RE: FYI
What am I looking at?
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:02 AM To: _EVERYONE Subject: FYI: From The New York Times
Romney Kicks The Elderly, Aide Says
Latest news from the campaign trail: A former campaign aide for Mitt Romney has come to the New York Times with shocking allegations that Romney has a history of breaking into nursing facilities and kicking the elderly while they sleep.
The aide, who asked to remain anonymous, said that she witnessed Mr. Romney break into three different facilities in three different states and go on what can only be described as “a serial kicking spree.”
The facilities have denied that they have any knowledge of the Presidential hopeful’s alleged elderly kicking, but it has recently come to light that several facilities have had financial windfalls that may or may not be traced to Mitt Romney’s former companies.
When reached for comment, the Head of the Older Americans Relations said, “If he loses, I might have him on staff.” He then laughed uproariously.
Mr. Romney’s campaign did not respond to requests for an interview.
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:04 AM To: Rhonda Langley Subject: FYI
FYI:
—-
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Guy
Too Old For This Shit
“Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:12 AM To: Aaron Simon Subject: RE: FYI
Why do you keep sending me these things?
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:23 AM To: Rhonda Langley Subject: RE: RE: FYI
FYI:
—-
Aaron Simon
Guitar Shredder
“Jumbo paper clips smooth steel finish”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:40 AM To: Aaron Simon Subject: RE: RE: FYI
…
Okay…
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Rhonda Langley Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 9:52 AM To: Aaron Simon Subject: FYI: From The New York Times
AARP To Members: “Take up arms!”
After the events of this week, the AARP has sent out a newsletter to its members advising that they “[t]ake up arms against the greatest threat to the elderly in the history of the world.”
Though the AARP has not called for violence, certain human rights’ groups are concerned that the call to arms will inevitably lead to bloodshed. “We’re fucked, man!” private Hudson of the Marines said, “That’s it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?”
The President has called for clear heads, while his appointed Head of Older Americans Relations has called this “Just the opportunity I’ve been looking for.”
—-
Rhonda Langley
Blog Watcher
“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 9:54 AM To: Rhonda Langley Subject: FYI
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty
old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John
Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is
also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone
else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift
From: Tasha Gordon Sent: Monday, June 20, 2011 10:34 AM To: _EVERYONE Subject: Stop messing with my desk!!!!!!
I don’t know WHO it is but SOMEONE keeps putting STUPID FACES all over my desk. PLEASE STOP!!!!! Im already harased by you people enough for NO GOOD REASON and here you are TRYING TO GET ME EVEN MORE ANGRY
ARGH
Tasha Gordon
Case Manager
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Monday, June 20, 2011 10:35 AM To: Tasha Gordon Subject: RE: Stop messing with my desk!!!!!!
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Guy, Loki Impersonator, Troll Read more…
In case you’ve been completely caught up in Anthony Weiner’s debacle, you might not have been paying attention to Sarah Palin’s latest evidence of a martyr complex.
She’s been rolling around in a bus and learning “history.” I put history in quotes because I’m not sure she realizes what history is, since it has to do with a lot of facts. (Also, I should have put learning in quotes, because I’m not entirely certain that she knows how to learn.)
If you heard Palin’s account and no one else’s, then her blinking, gaping rant about how Paul Revere was riding around the colonies to tell people that the British weren’t going to take our arms.
See, the British wanted this to be us.
Aside from the fact that Revere’s ride was a) warning people about the impending march of the British Army and b) largely beefed up and lied about by Washington Irving, this whole situation is worrying because Palin seems to think that the reporter was an agent of the sinister Shout-Out Gotcha Question Media.
After spending a lot of time losing enough IQ points to understand what she was talking about with her gibberish, I understood that she seemed to believe that reporters were coming out of the woodwork to catch her unprepared and make her seem stupid.
Okay, fair enough. But:
She was asked the question while in a huddled mass of admirers and reporters. It’s highly unlikely that she didn’t think there would be questions. Although, this is Palin, so she might have thought all of the questions would have been “Why are you so damn good at what you do?” or “Why do people make a big deal of the fact that you didn’t finish one term as governor?”
It wasn’t a “gotcha” (in human-speak, this translates to “difficult to answer”) question. The reporter asked her what she’d seen that day. That’s it. It’s like asking a child what they did at school. She could have said “I saw trees” and it would have been a correct answer. Instead, she tried to buddy up to her already-sycophantic Tea Party base with an incomprehensible answer to an easy, simple question.
So, Sarah, I’m going to help you out. I’m going to try and tell you what situations would qualify as “gotcha” situations and questions, because you seem to have severe difficulties in understanding the term you made up for yourself.
I’m not dead. There’s no real reason for me to post that; I just like to throw it out there whenever possible. I’m not dead. The Reaper hasn’t found me yet.
“Adam’s Story” will, indeed, be published by The Library of Horror Press in their Groanology 2: Monsters, Madness, and Mayhem anthology. Signed the contract last month, and it’ll be up for sale within the year. I’ll post another update long after the fact whenever I get an actual date.
“My Dog The Dybbuk,” formerly The Littlest Dybbuk, will be in an anthology titled The Bride of The Golem. Don’t have any details on it yet, as the editor is setting the anthology and–it appears–jetsetting. You check out his blog here. Updates to come whenever I get them.
Working on the rough draft of my second novel. It’ll either be called THE LONG SCHLEP or I FEEL FINE. (Or, possibly SECOND.) The premise is a group of Jews flee the South as the end-of-the-world myths of every major religion occur at the same time.
Work over at Bullet Reviews continues to go swimmingly. Getting a decent response from publishers, and it feels pretty damn neat, getting stuff in the mail and being like “I AM A QUASI-PROFESSIONAL!”
From: Janice Yauncey Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 10:03 AM To: _EVERYONE Subject: Earthquake Drill
Please provide feedback on the earthquake drill:
1. Did you hear the drill announcement? If no, where were you in our building?
2. Did you know what you should do?
3. Did you follow the directions and actually drop, cover and hold on?
4. Did you have trouble getting back up after the drill?
5. Did you receive the written directions instructing what to do in an earthquake?
6. Are there any changes that are needed to make your space safer?
Thanks, JEY
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 10:20 AM To: Janice Yauncey Subject: RE: Earthquake Drill
Janice:
1) I heard the drill announcement, even though I was trying desperately to wish myself into a happy place by way of blaring Iron Maiden from my speakers. This is more due to the terrifyingly loud PA system we have in place than your efforts, so don’t get too excited.
2) I consider myself a loose adherent to Buddhism. One of the things I like most about Buddhism is a very important quote attributed to Siddhartha wherein the Enlightened One states something akin to: “Think critically about everything an authority figure tells you. If it clashes with your intrinsically-held beliefs, then ignore it; even if I have told you something.” Of course, there are some pitfalls here, like what if a psychopath ignores “do no harm” in favor of “do tons of harm?” But that’s a question for a theological discussion, and I don’t think you’re looking for that.
However, in answer to your question, consider what the Buddha said. Your suggestion about hiding under something stable certainly sounds logical, but it is ingrained in my mind that the best way to survive an earthquake is to jump out of a window and run screaming around the street–you’ll outrun the tremors that way. Thus, I know what you think I should do, but I know what I should do.
3) As per my discussion above, I did not do any one of those things. Instead, I ducked to the hallway outside our office, ripped the fire extinguisher from the wall, and hurled it through the window. Once the glass finished breaking, I leapt the two stories from our floor (not that big of a deal, since I routinely jump from roofs to leave friends’ homes) to 5th Avenue, and, in the proper fashion–arms in the air, continuously emitting shrieks–I ran blindly into traffic, whereupon I was hit by a Cadillac. No lasting damage was done, though I don’t think I’ll be able to run again.
4) I did have trouble getting up after the drill, as I was hit by a Cadillac. I’m not sure if this is part of the drill, but you really should include “Do not get hit by a speeding Cadillac,” as it is helpful information to possess along with “do not panic.” (The Cadillac that hit me was not technically speeding, though a vehicle traveling thirty miles an hour ramming into a man traveling four miles an hour still hurts a lot.) I managed to eventually stand, though it was with the help of the paramedics on-site. I imagine that I would not have had trouble getting up from the drill if the Cadillac had not hit me, but there were quite a few vehicles traveling on 5th when I was hit, so I assume I still would have been hit by something and would have thus been hurt by a car and had a hard time getting up.
5) I did receive the written instructions, but promptly shredded them. It was a waste of color ink, and I felt that it was a very patronizing thing, telling me what to do when I clearly did not want to do anything. If I want to run out onto the street and outrun an earthquake, then, damn it, I will run out on to the street and outrun an earthquake. No amount of your paper fliers will stop me from doing so. The only thing that will–and has–stopped me was the recent meeting with a large Cadillac on 5th Avenue.
6) I would like a complete change in my workspace. I’ve seen Ted Hayward’s office numerous times and quite like the fact that he has a window. As Ted is still on leave while his FBI case is being investigated, could I have his office? The close proximity to the window would be appreciated in the event of another earthquake drill, as next time I would not have to knock over several women–one of whom was pregnant–in order to break through a window.
Thanks in advance,
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist, Disabled
From: Janice Yauncey Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 11:00 AM To: Aaron Simon Subject: RE: RE: Earthquake Drill
What? You jumped out of a window?
In the event of an earthquake, you are to seek cover under a sturdy structure, like a desk. This was clearly outlined in the written instructions.
Where are you e-mailing from? Are you on a remote device?
You won’t be getting Edward’s office. Our lawyers are close to getting the matter completed and he should be returning in a couple of weeks.
Janice Yauncey
Organizational Safety Watcher
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 11:13 AM To: Janice Yauncey Subject: RE: RE: RE: Earthquake Drill
JY:
If you would have read my e-mail, then you would have seen that I did, in fact, jump out of my window. As you had to ask for clarification when I stated it, quite clearly, several times, I am led to believe that you did not read my e-mails. I am forced to wonder why someone of your mental fortitude–rather, lack thereof–was put in charge of something as unimportant as an earthquake drill.
Further, I think you would have understood, after reading my e-mail, that I do not like your instructions, and chose to follow my own. They were much more fun until I was hit by the Cadillac.
For all you know, I am e-mailing from the cold depths of Hell. Let’s keep it that way.
Thanks for the update on Tedward’s case. I’ll see what I can do to throw a wrench in the works.
Also: As my injury happened on company time in response a drill for a highly unlikely even for Nashville, I’m going to be suing the organization. Thought you should know.
-Aaron Simon
Suing Your Butts Off
From: Janice Yauncey Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 1:01 PM To: Aaron Simon Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Earthquake Drill
I talked to James and he said to ignore you. He said you are a compulsive liar who plays it for laughs.
Please do not e-mail me about the earthquake drill, as it was a serious thing and coworkers could benefit from it. I checked and the windows outside aren’t broken, so your story is a lie.
Jane Yauncey
Organizational Saftey Watcher
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 1:10 PM To: Janice Yauncey Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Earthquake Drill
Janice:
I’m hurt. Literally. I’m hurt. I had to limp back into the office from the street. Do you know how hard that is? Do you see my dedication to this job?
Aaron Simon
Injured
From: Janice Yauncey Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 1:13 PM To: Aaron Simon Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Earthquake Drill
Stop it.
Janice Yauncey
Organizational Safety Watcher
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 1:10 PM To: Janice Yauncey Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Earthquake Drill
I just saw bone poke through my skin. Is that covered by our health insurance?
I received a chain e-mail from someone I’ve never met. It’s the typical saccharine quasi-humor that gets passed around in offices where Friday is a punchline. This one, though, had to deal with health screenings and eating healthy.
A woman goes to a doctor’s office and it turns out that because of her diet, she is on the verge of having a heart attack because of high… everything. Rather than taking her doctor’s advice, she decides to eat bowl-fulls of Skittles for breakfast.
This is what passed through my head.
From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 10:20 AM
To: Cathy Davidson
Subject: tickets
Hi Cathy,
You don’t know me. I work downstairs in a den of estrogen.
As you don’t know me, you wouldn’t know that, before I read your e-mail, I did not have diabetes. While I was a bit overweight, it wasn’t anything major, and, with a bit of a workout a few days a week, I would’ve hit my target weight fairly quickly. However, my health problems started when I read your e-mail this morning, decided that it was such a great idea that I should try it out.
As per your doctor’s instructions, I ate a full five-pound bag of Skittles.
Immediately after, I lost my sight and all feeling in my feet. (No doubt that you’re thinking to yourself, ‘how is he sending an e-mail after losing his sight?’ Well, Leah’s in today, and she wasn’t doing anything, so I’m dictating this to her while trying to figure out how to have a constant drip of insulin.)
Essentially, I’m dictating this e-mail to tell you to switch doctors immediately. Your current one is a scoundrel and a charlatan, and has probably never heard of the Hippocratic Oath. What is his name, so that I can file a malpractice suit.
From: Toya Carmel Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:39 AM To: _EVERYONE Subject: Missing Bulletin Board Importance: High
Guardianship is missing a bulletin board. It was in our dead file room next to my office. I don’t know why it would be removed without our permission, but it is gone.
Please return it if you have it. If you know who might have it, please let me know.
- Toya Carmel
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:40 AM To: Toya Carmel Subject: RE: Missing Bulletin Board Importance: High
You’ll never find it, you know.
Aaron Simon
Enrollment Guy, Loki Impersonator
From: Toya Carmel Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:45 AM To: Aaron Simon Subject: RE: RE: Missing Bulletin Board Importance: High
What? Does that mean you took it? Do you know who took it?
Toya Carmel
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:46 AM To: Toya Carmel Subject: RE: RE: RE: Missing Bulletin Board Importance: High
Toya,
Oh yes, I took it. Last night around eleven p.m., if you must know. I found myself quite unable to sleep and, with no recourse found in my usual methods of going to sleep (among them consuming an entire bottle of NyQuil), I realized that I should embark on an adventure of sorts.
I took the car, started it, and drove downtown. When I reached 5th Avenue, I had a sudden epiphany: Rather than taking part in my intended method of wearing myself out (starting fights in the honkey-tonks downtown), I would have a little bit of mischief. I pulled up to the curb outside of our building, entered, and went to the file room and stole away with the bulletin board.
You may check the security footage if you wish, but it won’t give you any hints as to where I hid it. Indeed, I believe that it would be very difficult for you to ascertain its location.
I can be quite clever, you see.
Best,
Aaron Simon
Loki Impersonator
From: Ted Hayward Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 10:56 AM To: James Gottfried CC: Toya Carmel; Aaron Simon Subject: Missing Bulletin Board Importance: High
Hi James,
Toya forwarded me this e-mail exchange. I know that I’m technically not supposed to perform any of my duties since I’m currently on forced administrative leave as a result of the FBI’s accusations, but, and correct me if I’m wrong, this is a punishable offense, stealing organizational equipment.
And, though I don’t have any legal training, I’m pretty positive that this would constitute a confession on Aaron’s part. Right?
Best,
Ted Hayward
Sent from my BlackBerry™
From: James Gottfried Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 11:14 AM To: Ted Hayward CC: Toya Carmel; Aaron Simon Subject: Missing Bulletin Board Importance: High
You’re right. You’re not supposed to be handling any business while on forced administrative leave. Please stop using organizational equipment – i.e., server space for these e-mails – until your misuse of company equipment has been fully investigated by the authorities.
Also, it’s a damn bulletin board. We’ll get another one from one of the empty offices.
Best,
James Gottfried
Executive Director
From: Aaron Simon Sent: Tuesday, March 29, 2011 11:16 AM To:Toya Carmel Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Missing Bulletin Board Importance: High
