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Posts Tagged ‘dear God what is wrong with me’

Missed Call

February 17, 2012 Leave a comment

From: Darlene-Lynn Brown

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 9:46 AM

To: _EVERYONE

Subject: Missed a phone call???!!(!)

Hi Guys,

I got a voice mail from a female asking me to return the telephone call to 573-1729. The only other thing I could understand on this message was “this is very important to me, have a blessed day.”  When I attempted to return the telephone call, I explained to her that she had left a message, but I couldn’t understand the rest of the voice mail and I was returning her telephone call. She told me that if I didn’t know who I was calling, I had the wrong number. The person I spoke with was clearly the same person that left the voice mail.   I have no recollection of anyone with this number and think I may have gotten the voicemail by mistake. Have any of you all attempted to make contact with someone at this number?  I sure don’t want her to fall through the cracks!

Darlene-Lynn Brown
Employed Vagabond

 

From: Aaron Simon

Sent: Monday, 13 February 2012 9:52 AM

To: Darlene-Lynn Brown

Subject: RE: Missed a phone call???!!(!)

Darlene:

I’m so, super psyched that you felt the need to tell us that you received a phone call. Here I was, wondering whether or not Darlene keeps her work phone hooked up throughout the day, and then, verily, the Lord blesses me with an answer in the form of a missed call. Truly, we live in Holy times.

Often, I receive odd calls. Sometimes, they are in Spanish, as it turns out that the previous owner of my cell phone number was an immigration lawyer. Now, the only foreign language I can speak is French, and—even then—I sound like a mentally deficient five year old. (Or, alternatively, you. I’m joking. Or am I?) So, naturally, being as compelled as I am to get in contact with these people, I will return their phone call, but only to shout, “JE NE PARLE PAS ESPAGNOL! JE NE PARLE PAS ESPAGNOL!” The people then start shouting in Spanish, and I have to continue shouting in French until either my throat starts bleeding or they hang up. Generally, after that, they don’t call again. May I suggest trying that?

I have a very important question for you, and I want you to devote all of your mental faculties to answering it: In your wall of text, you mention that a female called you. My question is this:

A female of what species?

Darlene, I know you are Southern, and thus believe science is some Satan-led plot to destroy Christianity, but you must realize that a female of any species other than homo sapiens using the telephone would be earth shattering. The way we view life would change monumentally and it would be you in the spot-light.

Maybe you could afford some language classes so you wouldn’t tack on an extra eight syllables to every word. You know. Food for thought.

Anyway, please let me know. Unlike you, I have many friends in the hard sciences would would be absolutely pumped to hear about this sort of stuff.

Best,

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Guy

Read more…

FYI

January 12, 2012 Leave a comment

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Monday, January 9, 2012 9:34 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: FYI: From The New York Times

Nursing Homes To Patients: “Meh”

Nursing homes have been making the news for tragic reasons more than anything else. Recently, in a nursing home in Tennessee, an orderly broke a resident’s legs and then left that resident in their room, screaming, for six hours while “on break.”

The orderly was quoted as saying, “Bitch deserved it.”

This isn’t an isolated case. In nursing homes across the country, staff are abusing residents in record numbers for perceived injustices perpetrated against them by residents and management.

In Oregon, two orderlies took a paraplegic resident on a walking path and then stole his wheelchair to pawn for “drinking money.”

The nursing home has not reprimanded the orderlies other than telling them, “Do it quietly next time,” according to in-house memoranda forwarded to the New York Times by concerned staff.

Local law enforcement are reticent to step in and put a stop to the matter because, according to a police chief in Mississippi, “I got my mother-in-law in one a them homes. Reckon they’re the reason she can’t speak no more, but, hell, they did me a favor.”

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Monday, January 9, 2012 10:13 AM
To: Rhonda Langley
Subject: FYI

FYI:

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Guy

“Shut up and let me finish my Goddamn drink.”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Monday, January 9, 2012 10:20 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: FYI

What? I don’t get it.

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 9:30 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: FYI: From The New York Times

POTUS’s New Head on Older Americans Relations: “Lolwut?”

The President’s new appointee to the position of Head on Older Americans Relations, an oversight position dealing mainly with various Federal Department of Human Services offices across the country, has come out as utterly clueless about his job.

“I hate the elderly,” he said in his introductory remarks to the press. “They smell. They’re self-entitled. They’re frail. I hate weakness.”

He went on to detail his plans for the future in the three-hour long press conference.

“I’m going to push for a three-strikes-you’re-out rule. After the third time an older American complains, they’re cut off from Medicare. Let’s see how they like the taste of that shit.”

Unsurprisingly, the AARP has reacted negatively to the appointee’s statements, calling him, among other things, “Hitler.”

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 9:45 AM
To: Rhonda Langley
Subject: FYI

FYI:

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Dude

Interblags Ruler

“Damn your eyes.”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 10:02 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: FYI

What am I looking at?

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:02 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: FYI: From The New York Times

Romney Kicks The Elderly, Aide Says

Latest news from the campaign trail: A former campaign aide for Mitt Romney has come to the New York Times with shocking allegations that Romney has a history of breaking into nursing facilities and kicking the elderly while they sleep.

The aide, who asked to remain anonymous, said that she witnessed Mr. Romney break into three different facilities in three different states and go on what can only be described as “a serial kicking spree.”

The facilities have denied that they have any knowledge of the Presidential hopeful’s alleged elderly kicking, but it has recently come to light that several facilities have had financial windfalls that may or may not be traced to Mitt Romney’s former companies.

When reached for comment, the Head of the Older Americans Relations said, “If he loses, I might have him on staff.” He then laughed uproariously.

Mr. Romney’s campaign did not respond to requests for an interview.

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:04 AM
To: Rhonda Langley
Subject: FYI

FYI:

—-

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Guy

Too Old For This Shit

“Forget it, Jake. It’s Chinatown.”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:12 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: FYI

Why do you keep sending me these things?

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:23 AM
To: Rhonda Langley
Subject: RE: RE: FYI

FYI:

—-

Aaron Simon

Guitar Shredder

“Jumbo paper clips smooth steel finish”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Wednesday, January 11, 2012 10:40 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: FYI

Okay…

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 9:52 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: FYI: From The New York Times

AARP To Members: “Take up arms!”

After the events of this week, the AARP has sent out a newsletter to its members advising that they “[t]ake up arms against the greatest threat to the elderly in the history of the world.”

Though the AARP has not called for violence, certain human rights’ groups are concerned that the call to arms will inevitably lead to bloodshed. “We’re fucked, man!” private Hudson of the Marines said, “That’s it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?”

The President has called for clear heads, while his appointed Head of Older Americans Relations has called this “Just the opportunity I’ve been looking for.”

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 9:54 AM
To: Rhonda Langley
Subject: FYI

FYI:

http://i.imgur.com/cyRPU.jpg

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Dude

“Saigon. Shit.”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 10:00 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: FYI

Why do you keep doing this?!

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 10:05 AM
To: Rhonda Langley
Subject: RE: RE: FYI

Watch this. It will all make sense.

Aaron Simon

Enrollment Coordination Bullshit

“You smell that? That’s the smell of bastards.”

From: Rhonda Langley
Sent: Thursday, January 12, 2012 8:39 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: FYI

I don’t get it.

—-

Rhonda Langley

Blog Watcher

“May all your day be full of sparkles!!!”

Goodnight Gorilla, Pt 1

October 21, 2011 4 comments

 

We must not take this text—or any of the subsequent texts, or “books”—as if they were mere children’s books. They are, in fact, discourses to prepare young minds for the harsh, cold realities of the world. Namely, that the world—or, as what we deem the “world” is nothing more than a shared illusion by humanity that we call “society”—does not revolve around them. They are naught but a cell in a greater, much more complex organism. It is, in other words, as if they are a singular ant in the greater colony.

However, there are texts that negate and disagree with the above statement. These texts view the individual in the Nietzschean sense—in other words, that the individual, or “self” as the individual looks in upon herself. Specifically, the texts view the individual as potential übermenschen, temporarily betrodden by the world—“society”—but quite capable of rising up and fighting the outside forces that, even on a daily basis, look upon the individual and would see him play his role as nothing more than an automaton.

There is no clear “right” or “correct” answer in either one of these—or so believes the author of this place—as “society” is completely controlled and created by individuals, and that the collective illusion of a society may be changed over time; this implies that the “truth,” or “reality,” is varied and nuanced, created as humanity’s collective thought changes, or “evolves.” However, this is simply a framework to view criticism of these texts on a metatextual level, and not a filter through which to view the texts themselves. Thus, we shall keep our focus upon the works discussed, beginning with Peggy Rathmann’s Goodnight Gorilla.

The work is set in a zoo—a society wherein there is a clear hierarchy and caste. We have our uniformed zookeeper at the top: He wears a uniform not entirely unlike that of a policeman or a constable. The implication therein is that this zookeeper is the guardian of the order of the zoo—that is to say, the “order” being a clear, defined, and designated system by which the animals (the lower beings in the society) are contained, confined, and repressed, forced to live their lives in confinement and be leered at as if they were attractions (for they are) for the entertainment of those at the top of the caste pyramid, which is to say, the humans, or “the aristocracy.”

The zookeeper is not wholly antagonistic, though. Along with his watchful eye and stern sentiment—bespoken by the trimmed moustache just barely visible on the first page of the text—he carried with him a flashlight. It is not too great a leap of logic to connect this flashlight to that of the famous lantern found in Nietzsche’s Thus Spake Zarathustra. We may thus infer that this flashlight is Rathmann’s attempt at theorizing that, while there is an inherent repression by the part of the “aristocracy,” the top of the caste system does have its uses: namely, spreading enlightenment by use of its class. Of course, it is not entirely certain that this is the intention of the zookeeper, since, as we see, the flashlight is not turned upon the animals, but on the ground. Thus, it is highly possible—though not necessarily highly likely—that the “aristocracy” has no intention of spreading the light of knowledge upon those that “it” deems unworthy of possessing said enlightenment. Rathmann does, however, imply that the “aristocracy” is willing to give the gift of enlightenment to its subordinates; the zookeeper, or “aristocracy,” as he patrols the grounds of the zoo, or “society,” does address the gorilla by name, saying, “Good night, Gorilla.” By no means is this the warmest greeting one could give, but it is evidence that the zookeeper, or “aristocracy,” is not wholly antagonistic, as hypothesized above.

Below the zookeeper, and we may assume, other humans, are the animals. At this point, we see only the gorilla, what appears to be a spider monkey in the background, and a small mouse, holding a balloon tied to the bars of the gorilla’s cage. (The balloon is an interesting anomaly. We know not from whence it came, but we may assume that it was left there, and tied to the bars in what appears to be a basic bow knot. Is this yet more evidence that the lines of caste and class are not so distinct as we may first think? Or is it evidence of the mockery of the upper class of the lower class? A child tying this to the bars, saying, “Gaze upon what thou may not possess.”) The gorilla appears to be stunted in size. If this were a child gorilla, then surely its parents would share its cage—however, save for the mouse, this gorilla is alone, giving more evidence that this is a stunted creature. We do not know why the gorilla is stunted, though. It appears to have ample food—and, as shall be discussed, its cage is full of exercise equipment in the form of ropes, a tire swing, and a bicycle (!)—thus we must suppose that the gorilla is a claim by Rathmann that those below the top are not yet to their potential. Thus, we have the first statement of a philosophy that is, in parts, Nietzschen and Platonic. The üntermenschen who has yet to realize her potential to be the übermenschen has yet to break away from the symbiotic relationship with the zookeeper, or “aristocracy.”

But wait! The gorilla is not passive. The gorilla, seeing an opportunity, reaches out from the cage and—barely—takes hold of the zookeeper’s keys. It is a bold move. For if it fails entirely, then the gorilla remains trapped in its cage, but if it takes hold of the keys, and the zookeeper realizes what is happening, then surely the gorilla will be punished in some way. But, if the gorilla succeeds… now, there is the crux of it all. If the gorilla succeeds and grasps freedom in its hands, then it has made the leap to Nietzsche’s Superman. Thus, we have the beginnings of a masterful narrative of the inevitable conflict of class. The lower classes do not necessarily—or so Rathmann seems to say—require the light of the aristocracy’s knowledge. Knowledge does not solely belong to the aristocracy, or society’s leaders—but can be grasped and created by the lower classes in its own need and form. However, while this is possible, there is danger inherent in the act: The aristocracy thrives and is made powerful by the arrangement of the class system; the rebellion of the lower class—symbolized of course by the gorilla grasping for the zookeeper’s keys—would upend the system and render the power of the upper class obsolete. All the while, it would seem, the mouse sits upon the lock and watches. It is perhaps stating the obvious that the mouse represents the meek, and the meek are able to slip through boundaries by virtue of their slim profile, yet it requires mentioning. What may seem to be passive may yet become powerful.

And before progressing, we must make quick mention of the exercise equipment within the cage. Any individual who has been to a zoo is familiar with the sight of primates playing with human-made toys. It is evidence of our common ancestry that what we find amusing, so do the apes. However, in the context of Rathmann’s treatise, they take on a greater meaning. They become distractions employed by the upper classes, “zookeeper,” to ensure that the lower classes, “animals,” remain placid. However, as we see, this is not to remain the status quo forever. The proletariat can only remain distracted by toys for so long—in other words, it is inevitable that the working class will shirk their “opiates,” as Marx put it, in order to grasp what is theirs by right of their humanity.

On the next page, we have the gorilla climbing out of its cage. Its attempt at grasping freedom was successful and it is now free—free to control its own destiny, free to break out of the confines of a role defined by “society.” The future, it would seem, is an open, blank book, waiting to be filled. As the gorilla has take the initiative and escaped, we see the mouse, or “the meek,” climbing out of the cage, after tying some string to a banana. We may thus infer that Rathmann’s “meek” wish to be free as much as the gorilla, but needed some catalyst to prod them along in their own quest. And, further, it was the momentous event of the gorilla grasping the keys of the zookeeper that allowed it to do so.

But that is not all that occurs in this portion of the text. There are two images that are quite striking. First, the gorilla retains the entire keychain in his left hand. His intentions are murky, but we may perhaps guess that the intention is not to hog the ability to free oneself, but to spread it around. Thus, Rathmann may be stating that as a member of the lower class frees itself with the knowledge of its own potential and destiny, it is the duty of that individual to spread the lesson to its peers. Additionally, we have a brief, almost fleeting image of the balloon lifting into the air. It has been separated from its tether by the actions of the mouse—or “the meek”—as it grasped food for the strong. In other words, the meek is not totally a passive entity. While they remain off to the side—ostensibly nothing more than a spectator in the grand drama of the active, rebellious gorilla—we clearly see that “the meek” is not the inactive party that we may have first assumed them to be. Instead, we find that “the meek” is the willing and useful ally of those who would otherwise take center stage upon the inevitable rise to being the übermensch.

The next page in Rathmann’s text gives us a scene of suspense. Our three principal figures are caught in a scene of stasis in a path between cages, with no features save the barely-illuminated pavement and the soft, rolling hills of the countryside laying beneath the night sky. In the foreground is the zookeeper, stopped in a pose of surprise—a man walking through a darkened house, for example, who hears a sudden, eerie sound. It surprises him and catches his nerves—the goosebumps upon his arms begin to raise and his hair stands at attention. But what has our zookeeper heard? It is unclear—perhaps, though it is the gorilla, behind him and looking up at him with a knowing grin upon his primate face, clutching the zookeeper’s key ring now in his right hand. Behind the both of them, the mouse struggles as he carries a banana, with string still attached.

Rathmann here presents a conundrum. The “aristocracy” robbed of the authority over knowledge symbolized by his key ring, realizes that there is something awry. They are not to be completely fooled—for they have not risen to their position for nothing. While they may remain momentarily clueless about the sheer, almost unbelievable significance of the recent events, they are aware that something, however minute, has changed. The gorilla and the mouse, the key players in the rise of the proletariat, follow the zookeeper. For it is incredibly difficult for a society to form out of nothing. Something must form out of what came before, Rathmann seems to say, and it is natural—however perplexing—that those who break from society must keep some facet of society within themselves—for to create something out of nothing, as science tells us, is impossible.

The gorilla’s grin, here, represents the knowledge of the proletariat that, however much they must disdain their “superiors,” they must acknowledge that, without them, there would be utter and supreme chaos. The knowledge that some order is better than nothing, in other words, is the central tenet in “society,” and though the light of knowledge—once again, the zookeeper’s flashlight—is turned away from them for now, it is not a fundamental truth of the universe that it must remain so. For as long as the lower classes hold their own destiny within their powerful hands—the “key ring” in the “gorilla’s right hand”—they have the power to realize that “truth” is but a relative concept, and there is little to nothing keeping them from creating their own “truth” about their own existence and what “society” is.

Our next page continues the zookeeper’s trek through the establishment. Whatever momentary panic he may have felt has disappeared, and he has continued on in his nightly duty of ensuring that the animals are still in their cages. (Of course, to reiterate, this is the “aristocracy” ensuring that their hold over the lower classes is still strong, that knowledge is still in their hands, and that the proletariat are preoccupied with their baubles.) Now, he passes the cage of the elephant—or, the latent wisdom of the proletariat—caged and trapped. The elephant’s eyes are pointed downwards, gazing longingly at peanuts which have fallen out of his cage and are sprinkled upon the asphalt. Behind him is a rubber ball, decorated by elephants, and to the side of him is a toy pachyderm, crowned, and toppled on its side. The gorilla, about to pass by the elephant, looks back at him through the cage, while the mouse—now fully in charge of the banana—trundles along behind the übermensch. In the background, the balloon floats into the sky.

The elephant himself has been discussed, so we shall focus on the accoutrements found within his cage. First: The rubber ball. There are two explanations for this ball being designed the way it is. The first, and most obvious one, is the obvious. That the elephant’s wisdom spans the globe, and that—being that elephants cover the ball—the globe, or “world,” is open to being covered in wisdom. That is to say, there is wisdom to be found wherever one looks in this world—whether it be in nature or human “society.” The second explanation is that the ball represents the “world,” and the “elephants” pictured thereupon are not elephants, but instead represent continents. To illustrate, the elephant facing the reader more than slightly resembles the Eurasian continent—the seat of philosophical thought throughout human history. Thus, we have a clear statement that human “society” is meant to be driven by wisdom. It is possible, though not assuredly the definite case, that wisdom is meant to be spread in an egalitarian fashion—considering the continents are drawn to be made of elephants, or, “wisdom,” there is credence to this idea.

However, the conflict on the page—seen as the gorilla looks back at the caged elephant—is the central focus. It is a question about how nations are formed and how “society” operates. Shall the future be paved in animalistic emotion, or shall it be forged with the steel of wisdom? That is the question that Rathmann leaves us within this page, and one of the central questions of Goodnight Gorilla.

On Occupy Wall Street and the League of Shadows

October 17, 2011 1 comment

So there’s a lot of talk going on about the economy right now, who’s to blame, how to fix it, and whether or not we should all get together, gather up pitchforks and torches, and go around hamstringing and then hunting every person wearing a suit that costs over $200.

Look at them, in their hand-tailored outfits, thinking they're better than Men's Wearhouse.

(It should be noted that my political party, The Iron Fist Party, will be fielding our leader and creator, Aaron Simon, for President in 2012. Yes, he’s eleven years younger than the minimum required age, but frankly, the country’s been trampling on the Constitution for many years now, and we see no reason to stop. Our platforms are:

  • Re-education for anyone who voted for Bush, or has said, “Palin would be a good President”
  • Executing any repeat offender, and
  • National Casual Fridays.)

Now, I’d love to tell you what I really think about all of this—but chances are there’s a very vocal group out there who would call me a “pinko idiot socialist” or some variant thereof, and I got enough of that while an Op-Ed columnist at UT. So screw that. Instead, I’m going to discuss what I think—not really—should happen to the country. Because I love America, you see, and want to see us back on top.

See, we’re in a position where opulence and greed are defining characteristics of our population. You need proof of this? Look at the Baconator. There is no need for this thing to exist. It, essentially, is as if Evolution made the jump from Abstract Idea to Sentient Entity, looked at humanity, and said, “This needs to stop. Now. I shall clog their hearts, they shall perish, and, finally, the cockroaches will take over.”

We’re not in a good state, is what I’m trying to say.

Read more…

Trapped Pigeons

October 5, 2011 Leave a comment

From: Leeane Hickum

Sent: Wednesday, October 05, 2011 9:30 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: Trapped Pigeons

 

Hi everyone,

They did a repair on the building across the street.  Part of the façade had been missing for a while.  Well they trapped pigeons in the building and they are flying up to the window trying to get out.  It is freaking me out – does anyone have any suggestions?  I went across the street yesterday and told the young lady working the counter and she said that she would tell the owner…..?

Thanks

Leeane Hickum

Neighborhood Watch Coordinator

The Daycare

September 16, 2011 Leave a comment

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, September 15, 2011 10:46 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: Organizational Day Care

Dear all,

It’s come to my attention over the past ten months that several of you have procreated.

Admittedly, I have absolutely no idea why. The world is filled with pain and suffering on a night-unimaginable scale, and bringing more humans into the world to experience it is, in my mind, a form of sadism. Reprehensible to an extreme extent, I think.

But obviously, I am in the minority.

Read more…

Punny Story

July 11, 2011 1 comment

From: Hera Jones

Sent: Monday July 11, 2011, 8:34AM

To: _EVERYONE

Subject: PUNNY STORY!!!!

 

This is your Monday humor . . . enjoy!

Punny story!

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment
community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection
and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly.. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in
show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked
schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty
old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John
Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is
also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the
occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone
else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift

Read more…

Please, Send Me Hate Mail

Welp, I’ve been feeling disheartened lately. Kind of an ennui brought about by yet more rejections and some legit thought about this whole teaching abroad thing. (Which is completely different from how I decided to earn my M.A., which was more along the lines of “Hey, that’d be cool, I’ll go… there!”)

But anyway, this isn’t about my feelings, because feelings are scary and terrifying and require one to look seriously at one’s self in order to determine something, anything about one’s self. And I don’t like doing that, because that’s how literary stories are born, and I find those to be detestable and boring by virtue of their navel-gazing and lack of spaceships.

If it doesn't involve at least one X-Wing, I'm not that interested.

And I was thinking earlier, as I am sometimes wont to do, that it’s been a while since I’ve had a good blood-boiling rage-fest. Or, at the very least, had a blood-boiling rage fest directed at me. This got me thinking about my brief stint at The Daily Beacon, where I was so damn enthused to receive hate mail about all of my wholly irrelevant columns–which I might post up here one day, because hey, why not?

So, please, send me hate mail. I’ll go ahead and tell you my beliefs to make it easier for you.

Also, e-mails, please. (AaronCSimon[at]Gmail[dot]com) I forget about comments on here, and if it goes down on facebook, I’ll just try to troll you.

Read more…

Missing The Point: The Earthquake Drill

April 28, 2011 Leave a comment

From:  Janice Yauncey
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 10:03 AM
To: _EVERYONE
Subject: Earthquake Drill

Please provide feedback on the earthquake drill:
1.    Did you hear the drill announcement? If no, where were you in our building?
2.    Did you know what you should do?
3.    Did you follow the directions and actually drop, cover and hold on?
4.    Did you have trouble getting back up after the drill?
5.    Did you receive the written directions instructing what to do in an earthquake?
6.    Are there any changes that are needed to make your space safer?

Thanks, JEY

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 10:20 AM
To: Janice Yauncey
Subject: RE: Earthquake Drill

Janice:

1) I heard the drill announcement, even though I was trying desperately to wish myself into a happy place by way of blaring Iron Maiden from my speakers. This is more due to the terrifyingly loud PA system we have in place than your efforts,  so don’t get too excited.

2) I consider myself a loose adherent to Buddhism. One of the things I like most about Buddhism is a very important quote attributed to Siddhartha wherein the Enlightened One states something akin to: “Think critically about everything an authority figure tells you. If it clashes with your intrinsically-held beliefs, then ignore it; even if I have told you something.” Of course, there are some pitfalls here, like what if a psychopath ignores “do no harm” in favor of “do tons of harm?” But that’s a question for a theological discussion, and I don’t think you’re looking for that.

However, in answer to your question, consider what the Buddha said. Your suggestion about hiding under something stable certainly sounds logical, but it is ingrained in my mind that the best way to survive an earthquake is to jump out of a window and run screaming around the street–you’ll outrun the tremors that way. Thus, I know what you think I should do, but I know what I should do.

3) As per my discussion above, I did not do any one of those things. Instead, I ducked to the hallway outside our office, ripped the fire extinguisher from the wall, and hurled it through the window. Once the glass finished breaking, I leapt the two stories from our floor (not that big of a deal, since I routinely jump from roofs to leave friends’ homes) to 5th Avenue, and, in the proper fashion–arms in the air, continuously emitting shrieks–I ran blindly into traffic, whereupon I was hit by a Cadillac. No lasting damage was done, though I don’t think I’ll be able to run again.

4) I did have trouble getting up after the drill, as I was hit by a Cadillac. I’m not sure if this is part of the drill, but you really should include “Do not get hit by a speeding Cadillac,” as it is helpful information to possess along with “do not panic.” (The Cadillac that hit me was not technically speeding, though a vehicle traveling thirty miles an hour ramming into a man traveling four miles an hour still hurts a lot.) I managed to eventually stand, though it was with the help of the paramedics on-site. I imagine that I would not have had trouble getting up from the drill if the Cadillac had not hit me, but there were quite a few vehicles traveling on 5th when I was hit, so I assume I still would have been hit by something and would have thus been hurt by a car and had a hard time getting up.

5) I did receive the written instructions, but promptly shredded them. It was a waste of color ink, and I felt that it was a very patronizing thing, telling me what to do when I clearly did not want to do anything. If I want to run out onto the street and outrun an earthquake, then, damn it, I will run out on to the street and outrun an earthquake. No amount of your paper fliers will stop me from doing so. The only thing that will–and has–stopped me was the recent meeting with a large Cadillac on 5th Avenue.

6) I would like a complete change in my workspace. I’ve seen Ted Hayward’s office numerous times and quite like the fact that he has a window. As Ted is still on leave while his FBI case is being investigated, could I have his office? The close proximity to the window would be appreciated in the event of another earthquake drill, as next time I would not have to knock over several women–one of whom was pregnant–in order to break through a window.

Thanks in advance,

Aaron Simon
Enrollment Coordination Specialist, Disabled

From: Janice Yauncey
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 11:00 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Earthquake Drill

What? You jumped out of a window?

In the event of an earthquake, you are to seek cover under a sturdy structure, like a desk. This was clearly outlined in the written instructions.

Where are you e-mailing from? Are you on a remote device?

You won’t be getting Edward’s office. Our lawyers are close to getting the matter completed and he should be returning in a couple of weeks.

Janice Yauncey
Organizational Safety Watcher

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 11:13 AM
To: Janice Yauncey
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Earthquake Drill

JY:

If you would have read my e-mail, then you would have seen that I did, in fact, jump out of my window. As you had to ask for clarification when I stated it, quite clearly, several times, I am led to believe that you did not read my e-mails. I am forced to wonder why someone of your mental fortitude–rather, lack thereof–was put in charge of something as unimportant as an earthquake drill.

Further, I think you would have understood, after reading my e-mail, that I do not like your instructions, and chose to follow my own. They were much more fun until I was hit by the Cadillac.

For all you know, I am e-mailing from the cold depths of Hell. Let’s keep it that way.

Thanks for the update on Tedward’s case. I’ll see what I can do to throw a wrench in the works.

Also: As my injury happened on company time in response a drill for a highly unlikely even for Nashville, I’m going to be suing the organization. Thought you should know.

-Aaron Simon
Suing Your Butts Off

From: Janice Yauncey
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 1:01 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Earthquake Drill

I talked to James and he said to ignore you. He said you are a compulsive liar who plays it for laughs.

Please do not e-mail me about the earthquake drill, as it was a serious thing and coworkers could benefit from it. I checked and the windows outside aren’t broken, so your story is a lie.

Jane Yauncey
Organizational Saftey Watcher

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 1:10 PM
To: Janice Yauncey
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Earthquake Drill

Janice:

I’m hurt. Literally. I’m hurt. I had to limp back into the office from the street. Do you know how hard that is? Do you see my dedication to this job?

Aaron Simon
Injured

From: Janice Yauncey
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 1:13 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Earthquake Drill

Stop it.

Janice Yauncey
Organizational Safety Watcher

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, April 28, 2011 1:10 PM
To: Janice Yauncey
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Earthquake Drill

I just saw bone poke through my skin. Is that covered by our health insurance?

April Fool’s Day

From: Dianne Clarkson
Sent: Thursday, March 31, 2011 12:03 PM
To: _AGING
Subject: Wait List

Good afternoon everyone,

As you are all aware, we’re doing a great job of keeping up with the wait list. I’d like to thank Rachel, Holly, and Dana for their superb help in this process, and I hope that we can keep it up.

As for an update, we still have twenty spaces open in our Family Caregiver Program, but around a hundred people on the list for services. Now, it’s a fact of the game that people pass away while on the wait list, so it is very important that you keep on making those calls to keep our list up to date!! I am NOT saying that anyone is slacking off, just reminding everyone that they can continue to chip in ;) .

Thanks again to everyone who has helped so much so far.

Dianne Clarkson
Director, Family Caregiver Program

From: Rachel Dillard
Sent: Thursday, March 31, 2011 12:10 PM
To: Dianne Clarkson; _AGING
Subject: RE: Wait List

hi everyone

Thanks for the help – I appreciate it more than you know.

keep on keeping on!!!

From: Holly MacDonald
Sent: Thursday, March 31, 2011 12:11 PM
To: Rachel Dillard; _AGING
Subject: RE: RE: Wait List

I can make some more calls if you want. Have any open for Williamson?

Holly MacDonald
Case Worker

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, March 31, 2011 12:15 PM
To: Dianne Clarkson; _AGING
Subject: RE: Wait List

Hello everyone,

We’re going about handling the wait list in a very, ah, inefficient manner. While I appreciate that all of you are working from the very human emotions such as ‘sympathy’ and ‘care for fellow humans,’ I do not like to conduct business with such things in mind. They are road blocks in the way of progress; children’s toys marring an otherwise perfect garden. More importantly, they are erroneous ways of viewing the situation.

We should be thinking of the wait list not in terms of individuals, but as numbers. Cogs, perhaps. The excess of people on the wait list is a problem, and I should remind you that we do not coddle problems, we eliminate problems.

I know a man who might be able to offer his services. It is for the best that I do not mention his name, for that would compromise his cover in our country. However, he is a friend of mine. He is a problem solver.

Dianne, all you have to do is give me the word and we can eliminate the problem.

I am even certain that he would do this pro bono, as he is a little out of practice when it comes to eliminating problems, and might be called upon to do so by his employer at any time.

Eagerly anticipating your reply,

Aaron Simon
Problem Solver, Enrollment Coordination Specialist

From: Dianne Clarkson
Sent: Thursday, March 31, 2011 3:24 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: Wait List

Aaron,

I’m not sure what you’re talking about, but if you are talking about what I think you are talking about, nice joke, but it’s not April Fool’s Day yet. Man, you are one sick puppy. LOL

Dianne Clarkson
Director, Family Caregiver Program

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: Thursday, March 31, 2011 3:45 PM
To: Dianne Clarkson
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Wait List

Dianne,

I assure you, I am not joking.

I do, however, realize the moral and ethical problems you could conceivably have about this endeavor, and thus, I’m taking the matter into my own hands. If anything should happen, so be it. However, we must think of the good of the organization, and in this case, the good of the organization entails keeping up a facade of a modicum of efficiency. And, in my attempt to be a valid addition to this organization, I’ve determined that I can use my contacts in a way that helps us attain that efficiency. To wit, I have forwarded the wait list to my associate.

I’d suggest forgetting that these e-mails happened.

Aaron Simon
Problem Solver

From: Chris Flynn
Sent: March 31, 2011 8:50 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: What the Hell?

Dude, why did you send me an Excel spreadsheet? Wait list? What the hell is a wait list?

Why am I getting e-mails from people asking me to stop whatever it is “Aaron told you to do”?

What are you doing down there, man? You need to get out of Tennessee before you lose it.

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: March 31, 2011 9:01 PM
To: Chris Flynn
Subject: RE: What the Hell?

Dude, just go with it. I told them I was hiring a hit man to cut down on people waiting for services in our program.

Best. Prank. Ever!

Dunno how they got your e-mail addy though. Guess they’ve figured out how to actually see what I’m doing on the work computer.

Once again, just roll with it.

From: Chris Flynn
Sent: March 31, 2011 9:10 PM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: RE: What the Hell?

What? No. That’s insane. How are you not fired?

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: March 31, 2011 9:15 PM
To: Chris Flynn
Subject: RE: RE: What the Hell?

Jewish, man! They can’t touch me!

AAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

From: James Gottfried
Sent: April, 1, 2011 8:13 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: Your Latest Work
Attachment: notice_of_termination.doc

Aaron,

I suggest sending out an e-mail to Aging, with me copied, alerting them to your April Fool’s joke before 9:00 AM. If you do not, I’ll sign that attachment up there, forward it to Ted, and we’ll start procedure to have you fired within the day.

And yes, I am serious about this; Dianne, Holly, and Tasha were calling me until midnight last night about how you were a serial killer. I haven’t had any sleep, and the only reason I’m functional now is because I have a coffee maker in my office.

I look forward to seeing your e-mail shortly.

James Gottfried
Executive Director

From: Aaron Simon
Sent: April, 1, 2011 8:17 AM
To: _AGING
Cc: James Gottfried
Subject: April Fool’s!

April Fool’s Day! I got you all so good!

The best AF jokes are the ones the day before!

Aaron Simon
Hopefully Still Employed

From: James Gottfried
Sent: April, 1, 2011 8:30 AM
To: Aaron Simon
Subject: RE: April Fool’s!

Good.

James Gottfried
Executive Director: Rachel Dillard

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