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Quotes From An Accident Involving a Nashville MTA Bus and an Izuzu Rodeo
So, getting home today was fun. I took the number 5 bus from the central MTA station and, near Hume Fogg, the bus was involved in an accident with an Izuzu Rodeo. I don’t know who was responsible, since I was reading a book by Carl Sagan, but I do know from experience that the bus driver isn’t the best. At several points over the last couple of weeks, he’s almost been in wrecks, and I knew it was just a matter of time.
What I do know, however, is that the people who were on the bus alongside me had some serious issues centered around dealing with the compulsion to shout out stupid shit. To whit, I provide the following quotes. Context appears where necessary, but, by and large, the quotes are unedited.
- “I got you son, I got eyes like a bald eagle, watchin what happen. In slow motion, man.”
- Another one of the West End corridor buses passes by: “Yo, shit that’s the bus I need! What the hell bus am I on? 5? What’s that shit, I need to be on the 3! Yo, driver, why you make me get on the 5, yo?”
- The woman in front of me, who had developed her own musk to the point of ripeness, and had a purse bulging with Whitney Houston memorabilia, was on the phone: “Yeah, dumb bitch was on the phone. Stupid to be on the phone when you drivin. Everyone knows that. Idiots always on the phone.”
- The same woman: “You can’t drive anywhere. Everywhere’s an accident. Maybe one or three of em. What you watchin? Tyler Perry? That’s good, funny shit. Good for you. You need to laugh.”
- A man with a prodigious, blonde mullet: “Man lookit her. Drivin an Izuzu Rodeo. Idiot.”
- After six times telling his version of what happened in the wreck, a man’s version was countered by a woman’s. “Bitch, I got good-ass eyesight I know what I’m talkin about, you wrong. It was HER fault.” Good-ass.
- “Supervisor. Yo. Listen. Lady had her phone–hey, yo–dog, listen–no I saw what happened.” “She only had her phone on after the wreck! Didn’t you see that?” “Oh, she had her phone on after? Shit.”
- “Homebody! Supervisor, yo, I know what–no I didn’t see it.”
- “Bitch probably got some nigga insurance.”
- “YO! BITCH! WHEN WE GETTIN ANOTHER BUS? I GOTTA GET TO MY DESTINATION!”
And that, my friends, is why we need to fund education in the U.S. So idiocy, which knows no racial, religious, or ethnic bounds, may be expunged from the nation.
So You’ve Found Yourself in a Den of Racism
So you’ve found yourself in a den of racism—oh, no!
What was until this point a gathering of like-minded individuals in a social setting, filled with hope, promise, and joy, has suddenly turned into the Nuremberg Rally. And you happen to be the sole minority in a crowd of goose-stepping fascists.
But don’t worry, there are ways out of this predicament. First, though, you have to figure out what kind of racists these people are. Let’s take a look, using the scientific Simon Strata of Shitheads, Racist Edition.
- Overt Racists – These are the fellows who have barbed wire tattoos on their biceps, wear shirts that feature either Confederate flags[1] or swastikas,[2] and have no qualms about telling you what they think the NBA stands for.
- Casual Racists – The name tells you everything you need to know. This is a group found quite often in the South[3] for various reasons, each as stupid as the last. While overt racists mean to really take down other groups by any means necessary, casual racists just don’t really know what they sound like to anyone that’s outside of their own social strata. While overt racists are to be hated or feared, casual racists are to be pitied.
- Casual, Stupid Racists – These are people whose brains are little more than silly putty. Like silly putty, if they view mainstream media, they will repeat—ad nauseum—everything they see that draws laughs, even if they don’t understand the context which makes it funny. Especially when they don’t understand it[4]. You’ll be able to spot this person by hearing incessant quotes from Family Guy, South Park, and regurgitated, horrible memes from the /b/ board of 4Chan[5]. The CSR is harmless because they lack a working mind, but that shouldn’t stop you from mocking them and/or throwing a punch as the case may be.
So, now that you’ve identified which group you’re dealing with, you need to get out of this. In my never-ending mission to assist my fellow man, I’m going to provide some suggestions. But, above all, good luck. You’re gonna need it.
