It’s about that time, friends. The 24-hour news networks are visibly salivating, Iowa and New Hampshire are laying down sandbags and preparing safe spaces for politicians and their entourages, and the Internet is getting to be even more unbearable and vitriolic than it usually is. That’s right: Election season is upon us once more, and, though we may not be prepared for it, we have no say in the matter. Like a great tidal wave of feces and bodily fluids, we’re forced to endure another year and a half of talking points that shift endlessly like the sands, attempting to catch and ride the zeitgeist and fervor for whatever minor issue the public thinks they want to hear people in suits shout about.
And, as with every other election season, I hereby announce my candidacy for President of the United States of America under the Iron Fist Party. Though we have not won office yet, we, like Trump, will not give up. For we know more than anyone else that it is our policies and our zeal that will lead this country to glory. Not the fleeting, transient glory promised by the Republicans or the Democrats, but a strong, thousand-year reign that shall stand unchallenged until the inevitable heat-death of the universe.
Now, we don’t expect the good folks of the United States to take our word for the fact that we’ll bring the country to glory unheard of. No, Americans are a strong, stiff-necked people who demand proof – or, barring that, shouting that’s loud enough to cow them into submission and allow the strong to break their stiff necks. Not that the Iron Fist Party would ever dream of doing such a thing. No, we love and value peace more than anything else in this wide world, and do not plan to rule by coercion. That is the method of the weak, and the Iron Fist Party is the Party of the Strong.
The Iron Fist Party is strong. Stronger than any party seen on the face of the Earth, or imagined by the most opium-addled mind born out of the angst and pre-World War climate of the late 1800s and early 1900s. Where many political institutions have, in the past, attempted to attain Godhood for their chiefs of state, or complete and utter rule of their committees, the Iron Fist Party shall successfully maintain such a state, secured by a fully indoctrinated armed forces and the love of a cowed populace.
What we hope to accomplish is simple: Complete and utter hegemony of the governmental functionings of the United States. We will overhaul the Constitution so much that no one will quite be able to recognize it. The President shall be the Premier, the Prime Minister, the Commander-In-Chief, and The Supreme Dictator – and, within ten years of being elected, shall be known as The Godhead Whom All Revere and Love.
But, you ask, what will we do with that power? Well, as the Iron Fist is not yet in power, you are in your rights to ask such a question. What’s more, we shall answer: First off, and with no hesitation, there shall be the complete outlawing of the ability to make a profit in the United States. Yes, anyone who establishes a business shall turn over all profits to the State, which shall redistribute the profits as it sees fit, with no oversight. Any company found to attempt to flee overseas in order to escape this initiative shall be brought under the control of the State, and its executives executed publicly as a reminder that the State is all-powerful. However, it should be noted that the Iron Fist Party is in favor of a free market. You, as a citizen, have the right to establish whatever business you see fit, just as long as that business turns its profits over to the State. Once the Iron Fist Party is in power, rest assured, there will be no restrictions on what sort of business may operate in the borders of the United States – unless, that is, your business name annoys the Head of the Party, or uses “disruptive” in its company biography. If that is the case, you will be sent to a work camp.
Speaking of work camps, the Iron Fist Party knows that the best way for a nation to lead the world is to have an employed populace. Thus, any citizen who, after searching six months for a job, cannot find a job, will be placed in a work camp to be guaranteed a living wage and living for the benefit of the State. At these work camps, citizens will be able to enjoy all the conveniences of a modern life, including State-approved television, State-approved novels, and State-approved music. Internet access will be limited to the Hamster Dance page and Leek Spin. Citizens will be able to leave the work camp once they have attained a set level of benefit to the State, at which point they will undergo a thorough check-up and, if healthy enough, may be eligible to remain in the work camps for as long as they desire.
The Iron Fist Party, like many groups in the nation, is very concerned about the growing influence of consumerism in the world. We view this shift from culture to consumption as the greatest of all ills that savage capitalism has brought upon the world, and, as such, will force boutique stores, malls, and all other stores deemed “decadent” by the Committee to Obliterate Capitalism to be shuttered and their executives sent to work camps. Any citizen whose buying habits are deemed excessive shall be sent to reeducation camps where they will see the glory of a life of asceticism. Their progress shall be monitored by State observers who, when satisfied with the progress of the citizens, shall be in charge of assigning the citizen to a rehabilitation center where, in stages, they shall learn to glorify the State.
On equal rights for all: The Iron Fist Party is of the belief that all citizens are equal. Thus, the Party shall establish guidelines for monitoring the speech of all citizens in all public or private areas. If a citizen is found to be using language that does not conform to these guidelines, they shall be sent to a work camp, no matter their sexual orientation, ethnicity, race, or other identifier. As above, there shall be stages of rehabilitation into society, determined at the camps by State-approved psychologists.
On sports and entertainment: The Iron Fist Party joins many Americans in enjoying sports. To ensure cultural solidarity, the Party has decreed that, once in power, the only legal sport shall be baseball. The current commissioner shall be sent to a work camp. Anyone found playing a sport other than baseball shall be sent to a remote, isolated work camp and will not be able to rejoin society. Entertainment shall be restricted to the forms mentioned above, and, on holidays, the public shall be able to listen to Beethoven. At most other times, the public shall listen to Xenakis’s “Metastasis” as a reminder the the world is a dissonant chamber where no comfort may be found. Any individual found to be listening to anything other than Xenakis or Beethoven (on holidays), shall be publicly executed.
On language: As with the free market, the State shall not stand in the way of individuals speaking whatever language they like. However: All business, governmental work, and public discussion shall take place in either English or Yiddish. Anyone found to be speaking in languages other than those two languages shall be sent to a reeducation camp for betterment of the self and the State. This is for the eternal betterment of the Iron Fist Party, the citizenry of the United States of America and, ultimately, the world. For though some of you may be reading this and think that you do not want to be under the heel of such an organization, we of the Iron Fist Party know that you, in fact, want that.
How do we know that?
Because, like ants, you scramble your entire lives, looking for peace in the things that you buy, or the places that you go – anywhere but where you are at that very moment. You look for peace by trying to find it in the beck and call of a religion of a God who is so alien to you that you know nothing of Him, but, because of the wiring in your brain, you delude yourself into thinking that you do. Or, conversely, because you have reasoned yourself into a corner, thinking that since you are an intelligent person, and have not been conned by the fraudsters, why should you be conned by the priests? So you’ve marched out into the Internet and looked for reassurance, and, having found it, willfully accept nihilism. We of the Iron Fist know that you are just looking for belonging. And we shall give you that belonging. All you must do is kneel.
And that is why, in November 2016, when you vote in the election, you’ll look at the ballot in front of you, at the names of the people who say that they know what it is that you want from life, and you’ll think to yourself that there must be an alternative.
Friends, we are that alternative.
The Iron Fist Party: Kneel.
 The Golden Girls and The Bob Newhard Show
 Thus Spake Zarathustra and The Stranger